DGrayCrack
by dgmanimeisbackin2016
Summary: To celebrate the new ay-man anime I sum up what happened in the previous anime. Absolute crack, sarcasm, song lyric inserts and randomness, but still true. No one is safe.
1. 1st Night

-Crack - 'Cause I watched DGM, compared it to the manga and went full retard. There's no going back.

1st Night - The reason why you shouldn't do drugs (insert catchy theme song here)

*since the dubbing is usually a pile of shit, I'll stick to the script AKA the manga*

VOLUME 1 COVER: a deformed-handed, scarred-faced, white-haired boy, standing back to back with an overfed kobold with glasses in the snow or it's crack if this is something like Breaking Bad. Also an astronaut bunny on the side. Inner cover: a curly haired, slipper-wearing guy laughing maliciously. I like the idea that the protagonist has a deformed limb, you raise awareness for birth defects and get people not freak out and ostracize others for it. Nice *thumbs up*

HOSHINO: I meant to introduce you the two opposing forces in this manga, these two will be in the spotlight and the falling snow will have a meaning in the distant future.

Dun-dun-dun, atmosphere is getting created.

MADAO: Exorcist. The ones chosen by the gods, they exist to hunt those covered in darkness.

ME: Wait! This voice! I know this voice! IT'S MADAO! But why are you here, I thought Baka Ouji wanted screen-time here?

MANGA POSTER: same whitehead holding a decorated cross, and is being wrapped by red and black stings. There is also the golden snitch with a curled tail is hovering there.

SETTING: Imaginary end of 19th century.

ME: Why that time?

HOSHINO: *shrug* I felt like it.

*train arriving*

ME: *glances at the manga* Err, this is not how it was supposed to start.

*camera zeroes on the figure we saw on the volume cover*

ME: Well, the music is 2004-ish, but oh well, it was back in 2006, it's ok. Though I wish he didn't have the eyes of a dead fish.

*Big Ben rings, the white-head is sitting in a carriage's back*

ME: Oh, isn't this from chapter 2? *glances at manga* Well, doesn't matter, they just want to fill in the time. It's not relevant. Though, they really should pay attention to the eyes.

GUY FROM THE VOLUME COVER: Timcampy, don't fly around so much or a cat will eat you again.

TIMCAMPY: *grumpily settles on his head*

CLOWN: *gives him food(?)*

GUY FROM THE VOLUME COVER: Thanks.

BUSTY RABBIT GIRL: *shoves Clown out of the way* Have you come for sightseeing, traveller?

GUY FROM THE VOLUME COVER: Nah, I'm meeting up to the secret hideout of the Exorcists, an organisation you're not even supposed to know of. It makes me wonder if I should kill you.

*we get a flash of the moon so Allen can hide the bodies, now we see brown hair the wind plays with, so they're going to animate chapter 1 after all*

WOMAN: Hey, did you know there have been a lot of people that disappeared in this church? Travellers with no money sleep here. By next morning only their clothes remain. Party hard.

AN OFFICER: *hides behind gate* People disappeared there and you want to go in there alone, Moor? Are you out of mind, woman?

MOOR: We've got no choice, the neighbourhood complained you know. And what do you mean alone, Charles, what do you think you're here for?

ME: Strange, I thought people were relieved when questionable people disappeared from where they lived.

HOSHINO: *shrugs*

CHARLES: But it's cursed!

MOOR: Quit being a pussy and drag your sorry arse in. *enters the church*

CHARLES: We're so going to die. *follows her inside*

MOOR: Whoa, it's pretty run down.

CHARLES: *screams like a little girl* On my leg!

MOOR: ...That's a cat. This so goes on YouTube.

*sound of wings flapping*

*a hand is reaching out from the cloud of bats*

MOOR: *moves to save the cat, but gets ambushed herself*

CHARLES: MOOR, I FREAKING TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

ME: Ok, not creepy at all. Our protagonist is a vampire maybe? That's why he has white hair? Is this supposed to be like a less bloody version of Hellsing?

MOOR: *gets locked in a mysterious room, the door locks itself*

ME: Vampire theory confirmed.

MOOR: *freaky hand shoves her in a chair*

OWNER OF THE HAND: Caught you, lil' bitch. What? A human? Why is a human here? *gets handcuffed*

MOOR: Right back at you, fucktard.

OWNER OF THE HAND, STILL CONCEALED BY THE DARKNESS: *his face gets revealed, it's the guy from the volume cover*

OWNER OF THE HAND, CONCEALED BY THE DARKNESS NO MORE: *tries to bullshit his way out*

MOOR: *doesn't give a fuck* I'm gonna go to fetch my partner, while I leave you alone, tied to the window in a church where people disappeared - most likely died - mysteriously. Surely nothing can go wrong.

*scream*

MOOR: ...Fuck! *runs in the direction of weird sound* *gasps*

CHARLES: *chained to a pillar* I FUCKING TOLD YOU THIS WAS A BAD IDEA! *pentagrams appearing on his body, shatters*

MOOR: Shit just got real! *chokes on gas* *gets grabbed from behind by beast-eyed stranger* I'M NOT A VIRGIN, DON'T SUCK MY BLOOD!

OWNER OF THE HAND: Err, I'd rather not comment on that, just don't breathe in this stuff, it's too strong for first-timers.

MOOR: Too late *faints*

*scene changes, we're in the police office, Moor wakes up*

RANDOM OFFICER: Moor, you're awake!

MOOR: No shit.

RANDOM OFFICER: Shut your tramp and get back to work!

MOOR: *sees her boss with the weird kid*

HER BOSS: His name is Allen Walker. A boy of unknown origin. The perfect victim for suing. Case closed. YOU DID IT YOU LITTLE SHITE!

ALLEN: Is this how you treat me after carrying in your unconscious subordinate?

HER BOSS: Who cares, you're suspicious because you gave a red arm, that's most likely covered in blood!

ALLEN: Caught me red-handed, har, har. *is not amused*

HER BOSS: *undoes button on glove, green cross is revealed on red hand, freaks out*

ALLEN: Here we go again...

HER BOSS: A goddamn cross in your hand? Of course, it couldn't have been an accident or something, you must have burned it in your skin you damn sociopath!

ALLEN: *is tired from his shit*

MOOR: It wasn't him, he was with me during the incident.

ALLEN: You're finally making yourself useful.

RANDOM OFFICER: We have no proof to close the case, the victim had gunshot wounds and he only had a cat and a suitcase.

HER BOSS: *slams his fists on the table to regain his non-existent masculinity* WHY THE HECK WERE YOU PASSED OUT, MOOR? YOU LET THE CULPRIT GO.

MOOR: *is depressed*

ALLEN: I know who did it. To show you how much of an incompetent sucker you are I'll solve this case myself. The name is Akuma, it evolves as it kills and it won't stop until someone - I - stop them. *smiles to declare how useless those guys are* *exposes hand* See this cross? This is the weapon I slaughter fuckers like him. Cause fuck yea, I'm an Exorcist.

HER BOSS: Exorcist? What are you on? Whatever, get your arse out of here. Officer Moor, you take him home and keep an eye on him.

ME: Do they even have the right to do that? He's been cleared of suspicion hasn't he?

*people talk about the incident 2 years prior, not noticing the goddamn oversized gnom skipping behind them. Just how much of a moron do you have to be to miss that?! He has an invisibility cloak or something?*

*scene changes, emo guy is sitting by the window. Breaths smoke out (the hell? When did you brush your teeth last time? Or it's opium? Is he drug dealer or something?) and the grinning goblin appears*

GRINNING GOBLIN: Good, the idiots out there shat bricks, keep up good work and massacre more, my precious Akuma.

MOOR: I'm back, bitch. You didn't die up there right, Mark?

GRINNING GOBLIN: *disappears in the shadows*

MOOR: What is this smell? Did you bring some slut up here?

MARK: How do you think I'd be able to go down, I'm a fucking invalid.

MOOR: True. You haven't eaten yet.

MARK: I'm full. I'll eat later.

MOOR: Don't dare you give up, our sister in heaven wishes for the best to us. That is, if she hasn't ended up in hell. Or just, you know, can't do shit since she's kinda dead.

*crash*

MARK: And you scream my head off for bringing up someone?

MOOR: Goddamn brat. *leaves room*

MARK: Oh, so she's into _that_.

ALLEN: *on the floor*

MOOR: Get back to the kitchen! *drags him away in the study, since he already ate all the food, and now she's worried she's next* So you say the culprit is an Akuma? You know those things are just phantasm of cowards like you.

ALLEN: That isn't the kind of Akuma I'm talking about. That's a name of a weapon. It targets ignorant fucks like you and bombs the shit outta 'em.

*door slams open*

MARK: *creepily wheels himself in* *moans either in pain or withdrawal symptoms*

MOOR: What's your problem? *kneels before him*

ALLEN: *eye becomes target* Well, shit.

MOOR: What now?

MARK: *transforms into a huge, floating ball with cannons pointing in all angles*

MOOR: What the hell is this?!

ALLEN: *jumps in to save the woman, catches bullet with bare hand, gets slammed into the church where other officers still investigate* You still alive?

MOOR: Somewhat. *notices bullet, reaches for it*

ME: Ho, he caught a bullet! That's pretty hardcore!

ALLEN: Na-ah, I caught it, I keep it. *fat cat in his lap has pentagrams then shatters* Oopsie.

MOOR: What happened to Mark?

ALLEN: Oh, that wasn't Mark, only a weapon wearing his corpse.

MOOR: My brother was killed?!

ALLEN: Yup, and his possessed corpse is here to kill us. Look, he's already here. *shoves her behind himself*

HER BOSS: WTF is that thing?! Shoot it idiots!

ALLEN: Not gonna happen. *hides behind pillar with Moor*

MARK: _Bang, bang, I shot you down/ Bang, bang, you hit the ground/Bang, bang~_

POLICE SQUAD: *gets infected and shatters*

ME: Well, that escalated quickly.

MOOR: No, why did you kill that asshole of a boss, I wanted to kill him!

ALLEN: It's useless trying to talk to it. It doesn't kill, because it wants to, it's because it's programmed to do it. The implanted soul is the source of its power. That girl was probably important to him. Was.

*insert crappy past here of dead parents, then lovers, then a dead wife, then blasphemy, the appearance of the Creator, creating an Akuma that wears Mark's skin, but has Claire's soul, Claire shoving herself down on Mark's throat (literally) and all other explanation I don't bother to mention*

MOOR: No way! My sister is her own husband?!

ALLEN: Now that I explained the gruesome details how a sociopath made a weapon out of the corpse of your brother-in-law and the soul of your sister, I'll kill it quick and painless, because it was so nice, to actually wait until I finished speaking and summoning a flashback. *cross flares up, left arm gets covered by silver metal* Bye-bye~ *impales it with huge claw*

ME: Is it only me, or Akuma really resemble hard-core drug addicts, who are forced to disperse the stuff by their gang?

ALLEN: The Millennium Earl *imagine that grinning goblin here* wants to destroy the world. The job of an Exorcist is to stop that.

Ending is ok-ish

ME: Wait, you're giving such an abrupt end?! Hey, Hoshino-san! Where did you go? You still didn't tell me whether the guy was a vampire or not!

End of 1st Night


	2. 2nd Night

2nd Night - Anime-kun decides that he's not fucking around with introduction and goes for the plot

*eerie mountain side where bat-like creatures are flapping, sound of panting could be heard*

ME: Is someone having sex up there?

ALLEN: *is climbing on the mountain without any kind of suspension*

ME: *purses lips Obama style* Not bad. But wait, why's Allen climbing the mountain, isn't he supposed to meet up with Jan?

ANIME: I bought the rights, I decide what happens next. Deal with it.

ALLEN: Why *pants* Why the heck did they build this place all the way up here? *hauls himself up* Finally. *stands up, rolls down sleeves and approaches building*

*meanwhile audience enjoys the peep show of the shota who climbed a freakin' mountain to join*

UNKOWN VOICE: Who is this kid?

*a group of white-coated men (scientists?) stalk our shota meanwhile a chick in black is sticking her butt out to those questionable men in a mini skirt that leaves little to the imagination.*

ME: I thought this was the end of the 19th century?

HOSHINO: Alternative, remember?

BERET: Wha? Why did you let him climb up? Kick him down, outsiders can't come in.

CHICK IN BLACK: Brother, he has General Marian's golem with him.

ALLEN: *through the loudspeaker* Yo, sup. I was sent here by Cross Marian. The name is Allen Walker. I came to discuss some things with you... Like, are you ready to accept me as your lord and saviour?

BERET: Nope. But test him whether he has anything to rip off. *to Allen* Go to the Gatekeeper for X-Raying.

GATEKEEPER: *creeps forward* Begin Examination, let's see whether this guy is a human or Akuma.

*pentacle appears*

GATEKEEPER: NOPE! THIS GUY IS A NOPE!

ALLEN: What?

GATEKEEPER: HE HAS A FREAKING CURSED PENTACLE ON HIS FOREHEAD! HE IS THE MILLENIUM EARL'S MINION!

SCIENTISTS: *panic* The Exorcists?!

STRANGE TAPED-MOUTH GHOST(?): They're all ok.

CHICK IN BLACK: KANDA(DADADADADADADA!) IS ALREADY THERE!

*outside a black figure with open coat lands on top of the gate*

*Allen's and Kanda's murderous eyes meet, no, not romantic at all*

KANDA: You sure have courage coming here all alone.

ALLEN: *realises that Kanda wants to kill him* Wait! I'm your lord and saviour! *jumps back before gets struck and activates arm to block attack* *thinks: He damaged my Anti-Akuma weapon! That sword-*

KANDA: You. What's with that arm?

ALLEN: This is an Anti-Akuma weapon you oaf, I'm an Exorcist.

KANDA: GATEKEEPER!

GATEKEEPER: *is close to a nervous breakdown, if he doesn't already have one* But I can't see his insides? How can we know for sure that he's not an Akuma?!

ALLEN: Your problem is that you can't see a minor naked? Duuuuuudeee...

KANDA: That's fine by me. I'll just have to cut you up and check. *lunges at him*

ALLEN: Wait! I'm seriously not your enemy! A recommendation letter of my arrival should have been received by now.

KANDA: *stops sword 1 cm away from head*

ALLEN: *struggles to keep smiling politely*

KANDA: A recommendation level? From the General?

ALLEN: Yea, addressed to a person named Komui.

*all eyes turn to the guy in beret AKA Komui*

KOMUI: *points at scapegoat* You. Search on my desk. *Said desk is sad, 'cause covered in spider-webs*

CHICK IN BLACK: *sweatdrops* Brother Komui...

KOMUI: I'm going too~!

SCAPEGOAT: Found it!

ME: *slaps herself* Read too much yaoi. Gotta get my mind out of the gutter.

KOMUI: Read it!

SCAPEGOAT: To Komui: Soon, I will be sending a kid named Allen there. Thanks. From Cross.

KOMUI: It's true! Squad Leader Reever, stop Kanda from gutting that guy. Lenalee, help me set up.

CHICK IN BLACK/LENALEE: *Now that I have an actual look at her, I can deduce that she's too "old" to be loli, so moe it is. Especially with those wide eyes.*

ME: Kanda still wants to kill Allen? *scene changes to them* Yes, he does.

KOMUI: You shall not past, Allen Walker.

ALLEN: *moe eyes* I shall pass.

KOMUI: You shall pass, Allen Walker. *to himself* A kid sent by Cross. I'll have fun dissecting him~

*outside the gate opens*

KANDA: *still points blade at Allen's throat* Ain't gonna happen.

TIMCAMPY: *sweatdrops*

KOMUI: Calm your tits, he's with us, the snitch is proof of that.

KANDA: *glare intensifies*

DEVIOUS CLIPBOARD: *deactivates Kanda, also shatters his manly pride*

LENALEE: *acting 100% moe* Gosh~ He told you to stop. If you don't come in I'll close you out. Get your ass in. I'm the Sups' assistant, Lenalee, I'll take you to him.

KANDA: *turns to leave*

ALLEN: Kanda! You'd think that I'd let you go without my divine guidance!

KANDA: Yup. *leaves for good*

ALLEN: HERETIC!

*whispers in the background*

ALLEN: Good, worship me, maggots.

*Lenalee shows him around*

LENALEE: So how is Cross? He was in India, right?

*3 months ago somewhere in India, in a huge house, which's window overlooks two elephants bathing*

MYSTERIOUS HAND: *swirls some beverage, probably alcohol* Allen.

ALLEN: *sits Japanese style* Yes, Master?

MASTER: I'm tired of babysitting your sorry ass for 3 years, go to the Exorcist Headquarters and eat them out of their budget.

ALLEN: You say that, as if I was the one leeching on you.

MASTER: *knocks him unconscious for his impertinence and leaves him to bleed away*

*flashback ends*

KOMUI: Yo, sup. I'm Komui Lee, the Sup! *leads him to operation room* I'm going to fix your arm.

ALLEN: 'K.

KOMUI: *takes out huge drills and injections* Now don't move~

ALLEN: *shrieks from pain and shock*

ME: Seeing Allen's face react like that, I'd say that the anaesthesia haven't kicked in yet.

LENALEE: *completely unfazed by the dead look on Allen's face* Are you sure he's really human? *tilts her head to the side with wide eyes 100% moe*

KOMUI: Yup. Only humans can get cursed.

ALLEN: *grumbles* I'm your God, you little bitch.

*scene changes*

KOMUI: The stuff won't wear off for a looong time, but you're all fixed.

ALLEN: Never. Again.

KOMUI: Nah, don't be like that. Side effects aside, Parasitic Type is the best.

*five figures are lit from under in their creepy existence* Yet again, I have my hands on God.

ALLEN: I _am_ your God.

KOMUI: Show your value to these people.

ALLEN: Wha- *tentacles wrap around him, pulling him up* WHA?!

HUGE TENTACLE DRAGON WOMAN: I-Ino- Innocence. *penetrates him*

ME: *to myself* Get your mind out of the gutter, get your mind out of the gutter, get you mind-

KOMUI: No use, the drug won't wear down until tomorrow.

ALLEN: I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!

KOMUI: *ignores him* How is he Hevlaska! How is this Apostle of God? Does he satisfy your needs?

ME: I give up.

ALLEN: *struggles in Hevlaska's grip* It feels like she's searching inside of me.

ME: I ALREADY GAVE UP, STOP OVERKILLING ME!

ALLEN: FUCK THE SYSTEM! *activates arm*

LEFT ARM: *activates disfigured*

ALLEN: *screams in pain*

HEVLASKA: Your nerves are paralyzed, don't push yourself. I'm not your enemy. *foreheads touch* Activating the anti-Akuma weapon when you're not fully synchronized is dangerous. 83%. That's how much you can synchro with the Innocence. Your Innocence will create an Extraordinary Destroyer of Time. In a nutshell, you'll fuck shit up in the future.

ALLEN: Really?

KOMUI: *claps* Amazing! Listen to what she says, she always nails it. *blocks Allen's killer punch*

ALLEN: Can I kill you? Just a little bit?

KOMUI: Nope.

*Aaaand comes the explanation that I'm too lazy to write. So insert Hoshino-styled abstract drawings, an LSD parade, ancient prophecies and explanation mentally.*

GREAT GENERAL: Fight!

ALLEN: Bitch, you just don't order me around! Even if you pay me for this!

KOMUI: You ain't getting paid.

ALLEN: FUUUUUU-!

HEVLASKA: May God be with you.

ALLEN: DIDN'T YOU PAY ATTENTION WHEN I SAID I WAS GOD?


	3. 3rd Night

I didn't expect review, thank you **L0stWannab1tch** and also thank you for the follows and favourites!

3rd Night - The Day Yullen, Arekan and AllenXKanda were born

*sound of someone singing in the cafeteria*

COOK/JERRY: Next~!

ALLEN: *peeks in*

JERRY: *loses shit from his cuteness* What a pretty boy! What do you want to eat, I can make anything.

ALLEN: *bows deeply*

ME: Why does he bow, I thought that was a Japanese custom and he's British.

ANIME: That's racist!

ALLEN: Really? And I don't have to pay? In this case... One of everything please. And a diet coke,

*behind Allen a commotion breaks out from Kanda's and Buzz's (what a weird name) courtesy*

ME: This isn't going to be like some crappy high-school novel where food fight erupts right?

KANDA: Quit bitching already.

BUZZ: Fuck you! *punches*

KANDA: *dodges and grabs the guy by the throat*

ME: Whoa.

BUZZ: *is dying*

KANDA: If you little shits don't want to die, then leave.

ALLEN: *grabs Kanda's hand, also sowing the thought of KandaXAllen* Let him go.

KANDA: What if I say no? Beansprout?

ALLEN: *tightens grip hard*

KANDA: *is forced by the sheer force of his grip to let the bulky guy go*

BUZZ: *is dead? That angle is pretty unnatural*

KANDA: You're gonna die soon.

ALLEN: Is that a promise?

KANDA: I hate your type.

ALLEN: I'll take that as a compliment.

*deathglares and sparkles and fire, and Yullen is the new OTP*

* Lenalee's barely covered butt butts in*

REEVER: You have a mission.

ME: Why is he crouching? Is he peeking at Lenalee's panties?

KOMUI: Together.

ALLEN&KANDA: *are appalled*

KOMUI: Hmm, that's too bad. You're still going together and that's final. Ciao~

*sees them off and reveals his stalklish tendencies*

*Allen, Kanda and the finder jump from rooftops to rooftops, so they can catch the in-motion train.*

ALLEN: There's something I don't get.

KANDA: Just worry about the train right now.

ALLEN: Bitch, I'm the king of multi-tasking.

*they all land on the roof and climb in*

CONDUCTOR: Hey, no hitch-hiking brats.

FINDER: Don't order us around you little shit, we're from the Black Order.

CONDUCTOR: *gasps and apologizes*

ALLEN: Yea, run, bitch!

FINDER: That cross on you allows entrance to anywhere you desire. I'm Toma, I'll be escorting you.

ALLEN: Nice one Tomato!

TOMATO: *mutters* I hope you will burn for hellfire for humiliating me like this.

ALLEN: Wha? You said something?

TOMATO: Nothing. This way.

*Allen and Kanda occupy the compartment, while*

ALLEN: So, what I wanted to ask was why are we even going there.

KANDA: *ignores his very existence*

TOMATO: *is grumpy* There's probably Innocence somewhere. These stones cause eerie illusions...

KANDA: So when there's a great probability of Innocence being there they send us in.

ME: Wa-wait, isn't Kanda's line? Did Anime-kun have a fight with Kanda's voice actor?

ANIME: Watch, don't talk.

ALLEN: So this stone... *wiggles eyebrows*

KANDA: *realises his intentions* No, don't dare you-!

ALLEN: ...GETS YOU STONED!

KANDA: *facepalm*

*Meanwhile in Italy, the Finders boldly stepped up against the Akuma. Too bad they're just Finders and cannot defeat them.*

FINDER: CAUGHT THEM!

AKUMA: Nope. *shoots Finder down*

*somewhere else, probably in one of the buildings*

FINDER #2: Get your shit together man. The Exorcists are coming. We must protect the Innocence until then.

*outside Allen and Kanda uses shinpo*

ALLEN: Sharingan! *spots Akuma from kilometres*

ME: Wait, I thought it wasn't a radar, it's just like when he looks at people he can say whether they are Akuma or not. Also why revealing it to Kanda and Tomato now? Don't spoiler, Anime-kun!

ALLEN: The ghost of Martel is a doll... I wonder if it's one of the likes Master used to have.

KANDA&TOMATO: *dies on the inside*

KANDA: Just so you know if you are a burden then you're pretty much on your own.

*shootings*

FINDER #I don't give a fuck: *shoots with gun, even though he knows it's useless*

AKUMA: *patiently waits*

FINER: *runs*

AKUMA: *rapeface*

*Allen and Kanda arrives, sees the sealed Ghost*

TOMATO: The others are dead. *also holds a speech about how Finders support Exorcist with their lives*

ANIME: *shrugs* It's to raise the tension.

ALLEN: No...

ME: *peeks in manga* ...I'm pretty sure Allen took their death just fine in the manga...

ANIME: First rule of enjoying an anime: never compare it to the manga.

ME: What? Then-?

*explosions*

ALLEN: There are still some alive! *runs after them*

ME: Well, kinda filler, but it's still in character.

FINDER: *runs for his life*

ALLEN: *approaches from the side*

FINDER: *at the end of the road, panting*

ALLEN: *in the moon IN FRONT OF the Finder*

ME: Wait, I thought Allen was coming from the side? Anime-kun?

ANIME: Shut up and watch.

AKUMA: *snickers and shoots*

FINDER: *dies*

ALLEN: *the world crashes within him, because this is surely the first time he saw someone dying then activates*

AKUMA: *shoots at him*

ALLEN: *destroys it*

KANDA: *talks without lips moving*

ME: That's kinda creepy.

KANDA: Draw *feels up his sword*

ALLEN and AKUMA: *gasps* Dat. Was. Sooo. Hot!

KANDA: *jumps, _behind_ him whole Mater* I AM BATMA- I MEAN KANDAAAA!

ME: Wait, aren't Allen and the Akuma still in Mater? I thought they were like 200 metres away, but this looks 2 km away.

ANIME: Bitch, watch.

KANDA: *unleashes attack and screams as if someone was crushing his balls*

*and we teleport back to Mater, with Kanda in front of the barrier*

ME: ?

KANDA: Return of the Apocalypse! *slash* First Illusion, Underworld Insects!

TERMITES: *explode threw the Akuma*

ME: Whoa, we've got a badass over there!

KANDA: I'm not Badass, I'M BATMAN! I mean Kanda. *to the dying finder* What's the deactivation code?

FINDER: Ha-have hope *dies*

ME: Sarcasm was strong in this one. Was.

KANDA: *frees the ghost*

TIMCAMPY: *flies in front of Akuma* I EXIST!

AKUMA: *fires at it*

ALLEN: *hides in the ruins and uses Tim as a bait*

ME: Why would a guy with hero-complex use someone as a bait?

ANIME: *is so fed up with my shit he doesn't even bother acknowledging my existence*

ALLEN: *jumps out right in front of the Akuma*

ALLEN *gets shot away by the Akuma* It's too strong.

ME: Wait a minute, why does it sound as if he's backing out? He's the protagonist, he can't give up now!

AKUMA: *evolves into Level 2* Thank you for raising me~!

KANDA: *trespasses*

ME: WHAT ON EARTH?! WHY DID HE COME THIS WAY?! HE COULD HAVE ESCAPED WITH THE DOLL WHILE IT FOUGHT ALLEN! AND THEN IF ALLEN SOMEHOW LOST HE'D HAVE A HEADSTART!

KANDA: I won't help you.

ALLEN: You came all the way here just to tell me that?

KANDA: Yup. *turns to ditch the place with the chick and the old man*

ALLEN: I'll get your ass later anyways!

KANDA: Only if you survive that guy. *leaves him behind for good*

ME: EVEN HE ISN'T SCUMBAG ENOUGH TO RISK THE MISSION JUST TO SAY THAT! Also, Allen's poorly drawn face scares me.

AKUMA: I'll kill you!

ALLEN: No, I'll kill you!

LEVEL 2: *catches Innocence and interwines finders*

ME: Most disturbing pairing so far.

LEVEL 2: *kicks Allen away through 4 buildings*

ALLEN: *emerges from only one wall*

ME: Anime-kun, if you want to do fillers then get your facts straight.

ANIME: I do what I want.

LEVEL 2: *looks at hand*

HAND: *is disintegrating*

LEVEL 2: YOU HURT MY GIRLFRIEND EXORCIST!

ALLEN: *rises from the ruins* YOU KILLED MY FOLLOWERS! (finders) *RIPS THE GODDAMN WALL OUT AND THROWS IT IN PIERROT'S FACE!*

PIERROT: Whoa! *smashes wall to pieces*

WALL: *dies*

ALLEN: *IS SURFING ON A FLYING PIECE OF WALL* SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER! *slashes Pierrot in half, lands in badass position, but then gasps* It's a trap!

ME: Is it me, or Allen's eyes are in two directions? I mean, the left looks down and the right into nothingness. Anime-kun, please do something about it.

ANIME: *starts singing obnoxiously to drown out my voice*

PIERROT: Over here~! *is in Allen's form and pierces him with Fake-Innocence claws*

ME: I smell twincest fanfictions.

HOSHINO: *shakes head* Duuuuuude...


	4. 4th Night

I have no idea why, but ate my reviews. But thank you **MangakaNTLEO** for the feedback, I appreciate it. The same way thank you for the follows and favourites.

I'll try to rotate this story every 3-4 days. So twice a week beacause I have no idea when the anime comes but I want to be finished with the 103 episodes before the new ones.

4th Night - If you copy off someone, then disclaim or you'll get your ass handed to you

TIMCAMPY: I EXIST!

PIERROT(THE LEVEL 2): *cosplays Allen, fails miserably, but Allen looks interesting with bloodlust in his eyes, so 8 points to Griffindor*

ALLEN: *stunned* Even backwards, I look fabulous.

ME: HELLO?! ALLEN?! YOU IN THERE?! YOU'RE BEING STABBED AND YOU FANBOY YOUR OWN REFLECTION?! On second thought, you do have a point, I wouldn't be able to withstand your charm either... But still isn't being stabbed supposed to hurt?

ALLEN: *hisses in pain*

ME: Oh... Sorry...

ALLEN: *tries slashing it*

PIERROR: I copied it~! Your power *poses as Allen while still wearing those hideous pants* Whatever I touch, I make it mine.

ALLEN: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT ARE YOU MAKING ME WEAR?!

PIERROT: I'll kill you now~ *stabs him*

ME: NOOOOOOO! NOT ALLEEEEEN!

ALLEN: *stops the blow* Strong. Is this the power of an evolved Akuma?!

ME: We know, Anime-kun, let Allen fight already. And please stop these cliché anime lines.

ALLEN: *screams and flies away from the impact and building crashes on him*

ME: Bu-but Allen isn't screaming in the manga!

ANIME: This is the anime, duh.

PIERROT: THAT. WAS. AWESOME~! *spots Timcampy*

TIMCAMPY: I exist.

PIERROT: *creepasta face* Not for long.

*meanwhile*

KANDA: *actually explains what's happening* That guy can't handle that thing, but I'll wait it out till he dies because I'm just that much of a jerk. And then it'll come to us.

GIRL: Wouldn't it be better if you joined forces and defeated it?

OLD MAN/GUZOL: So you want the Innocence before he gets here?

KANDA. Gotcha.

GUZOL: *removes hat to reveal a mask instead of his disfigured face, like the manga showed us*

ME: Err, why do they censor that? There are people who live with birth defect like this, it's not like we see his face getting peeled off. Anime-kun?

ANIME: *sighs* It's so that the children won't be afraid to sleep at night.

ME: Err, -Man is not really for children. If you ask me it brushes seinen.

GUZOL: I'm the Ghost of Mater.

KANDA: Lol, K, now give me your heart.

GIRL: NO, let's hide!

KANDA: You are?

OLD MAN: A kid I took in. *coughs*

*golem flies out of coat*

KANDA: What, Toma?

ME: He remembers a Finder's name but not Allen's?!

TOMATO: The brat died and I recorded it in 1080p. Wanna rewatch with me?

KANDA: Hell yea.

TIMCAMPY: *is being chased by Pierrot* I EXIST!

PIERROT: *catches and crashes him* Not anymore! *his shadow creeps on Tomato*

ME: Thanks Anime-kun, you ruined the surprise now.

ANIME: I do what I want.

KANDA: *leans out of the window like Rapunzel* Go to Toma ta-tata-taaaa~. *turns around*

GUZOL AND GIRL: *are gone*

KANDA: *looks left and right in a completely visible corner, his sight not hindered by anything*

ME: Anime-kun, why did you leave out the funny faces for the sake of your fillers?

ANIME: I do what I want.

KANDA: *sees the incorrectly placed tiles and smirks*

ALLEN: *finally wakes up and frees himself from the rubble*

ME: *rejoices*

ALLEN: He's so strong, how could I beat him? I've gotta go and cling on Kanda, he's the only one who can save me!

ME: Anime-kun, what the fuck? He's the protagonist, he's not thinking about the how he just goes and kicks ass! Hello, Anime-kun! I'm talking to you!

KANDA: *reunites with Toma*

ME: Why didn't he go after them, you don't make sense, Anime-kun!

TOMATO: This is Timcampy.

TIMCAMPY: *puts himself together* I EXIST!

KANDA: Show me the Akuma. *watches video feed* So it's a copycat, who can't tell left and right apart.

TOMATO: *dances around Kanda?*

ME: At least they show Allen's cute freaked out face. But he's supposed to be in the catacombs, this getting lost problem would be solved if he just got on the roofs.

ANIME: Bitch, no one asked your god damn opinion!

*meanwhile Guzol&Little Girl/Lala *are searching for a place to hide, end up in a place that looks like a ruined arena*

*back to Kanda*

KANDA: This bitch is a copy-cat.

TOMATO: We should look for Master Walker. At this rate we won't be able to tell apart the real and the fake and _accidentally_ end up killing them both.

KANDA: I like you.

TOMATO: Master Kanda, behind you!

KANDA: *turns to see white hair*

TOMATO: A mirror image.

KANDA: *feels up his sword again* DIE! *attacks copy*

SILVER CLAW: *stops the attack*

COPY: *collapses moaning Allen's name*

KANDA: Dafuq are you protecting that Akuma for?!

ALLEN: This ain't no Akuma! *removes his face* It's right behind you!

KANDA: *gets kicked through the wall* You bastard, since when?

LEVEL 2: Since we met. *slashes him in half* AHAHAHA, HE'S DEAD~!

KANDA: Nope.

LEVEL 2: Cool, he's a Walking Dead!

SILVER CLAW: *shoves him away*

LEVEL 2: Ain't happening.

ALLEN: *screams for enhanced damage on opponent - strangely enough it works*

ME: Bu-but in canon Allen slashed him in half with one blow! And you even put a typical "a minute ago he wasn't that strong" line. You keep disappointing me Anime-kun.

LEVEL 2: *notices that Allen&Kanda are gone* SHIT!

ALLEN: *carries two grown men while he himself is injured*

TOMATO: Please leave me behind, it hurts my manly pride to be taken care of by someone who I despise and is injured.

ALLEN: 'Tis but a scratch.

LALA: *removes hat all Loréal style*

GUZOL: *coughs up blood*

LALA: Why did you lie you were the doll?

GUZOL: I haven't got laid since forever.

LALA: *sings to drown out the disturbing mental images*

KANDA: The Ghost of Mater is a doll. They ditched me and hid.

ME: When did he regain consciousness? Oh, he passed out again.

ALLEN: First we have to take care of you. *hears song, follows it underground*

*moonlight shines on the singing form*

ME: Is it a good idea to sit in a place where the Akuma could easily spot them?

GIRL: *notices Allen* You came.

ALLEN: That's what she said.


	5. 5th Night

5th Night - And the first arc already ends

LALA: *is surprised*

ALLEN: You're the doll.

LALA: *picks up column and throws at him*

ALLEN: STOP! HOW DARE YOU HURT YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR!

LALA: *doesn't give a shit*

ALLEN: *places Kanda and Tomato in safety then removes glove sexily*

LALA: *throws another pillar*

ALLEN: *dodges and grabs the one she holds* What's your problem?

LALA: Nothing. *tries to get away*

ALLEN: Woman, stop this passive aggression shit and tell me what the fuck is your problem.

LALA: *collapses* Guzol will die soon. Please let me stay with me then I'll give you my heart.

ALLEN: Err...

LALA: The Innocence, dumbass.

ALLEN: Oh, yea, right.

LALA: This land was claimed to be forsaken by God. So in order to escape reality people built dolls that could sing and dance.

ALLEN: Yeah, right, sing and dance.

PEOPLE OF THE PAST: Keep digging, we've got to find the joke. Oh it's a glowing stone. Let's put it in a doll and see if it comes to life. *nails it*

LALA: But there was one doll that continued to sing after the fall of the city. Then one day a forsaken boy found his way to the city.

*flashback*

LALA: Boy, do you want a song?

ME: So this time it's a song and not candy, eh.

LALA: If he doesn't accept it I'll kill him. Just like the 5 adults who refused me.

ME: Are you censoring again, Anime-kun?

GUZOL: Please sing for me, Miss Ghost!

*as Lala smiles she literally glows from the moonlight*

ME: *thumbs up for Anime-kun, because he did something good finally*

GUZOL: Lala, stay with me until the end and then let me stop you with my own hands.

LALA: Yes, Guzol, I belong to you. Please let me stay with him until the end! *moe eyes*

ME: *weeps* the feels!

ALLEN: *stares at them with the most herp-derp expression so far*

KANDA: Nope. Take her heart now! *is still ready to die*

ALLEN: I can't. Not when I found followers!

KANDA: *throws coat at him* Get this shit away from me. *moves to take Lala's heart*

ALLEN: *blocks Kanda's way* I won't let you hurt my followers!

AKUMA: *pierces them from behind and takes the Innocence*

LALA&GUZOL: *fall to the ground*

ALLEN: *le gasp*

GUZOL: *reaches out to motionless doll*

ALLEN: *OMG, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN SUCH SHIT reaction*

LEVEL 2: LEL! I TOOK HER INNOCENCE!

ALLEN: Give it back.

LEVEL 2: Err, that's not how it works, kid.

ALLEN: Bitch, give. It. Back.

LEVEL 2: How about I promise you that it won't happen again?

ALLEN: FUUUU-! *rage-mode on* GIVE IT BACK YOU LIL SHIT! *girlfriend triples size and turns into a cannon*

KANDA: *decides that he cares after all* You idiot, you can't attack him with an undeveloped weapon!

ALLEN: *flips in the air then floats, cuz fuck physics, that's why* They see me rollin'~ They hatin'~ *opens fire* I do what I want. Deal with it. *makes a statue out of missiles and steps on them, then his bloodthirsty eyes turn at us*

LEVEL 2: *ambushes from under* SURPRISE MOTHAFUCKA!

ALLEN: *jumps, but ends up caught in a blob of sand*

LEVEL 2: *forms harpoon* DIE! *repeatedly stabs himself*

TOMATO: Yeah!

ALLEN: *gets pushed out by a stab*

TOMATO: Damn...

ALLEN: *creates a makeshift lasersaber* I'VE GOT THE POWE-! No, wrong fandom.

LEVEL 2: *his skin falls apart, revealing his true form*

ALLEN: *shifts back to gun* **This is the end!** *fires*

LEVEL 2: WHY DID I LOSE?!

KANDA: Because you suck.

ALLEN: *coughs up blood* Well, fuck, I'm having a rebound.

LEVEL 2: *attacks*

KANDA: *blocks* I'm not a tsundere. I just hate you so much, I can't let you die without insulting you first.

ALLEN: *wipes blood off* You know that you just confirmed Arekan, right?

KANDA: FUUU- *swipes Akuma's claw off*

ALLEN&KANDA: *attack together* THIS IS SO NOT AREKAN!

LEVEL 2: *scatters*

INNOCENCE: *drops between Allen's and Kanda's motionless body, they definitely didn't have a quickie*

ALLEN: Please live again, Lala *reaches out for her heart* You must tune down the homoeroticism.

HOSHINO: You poor, poor child, you have no idea what I have for you *evil cackles*

*in the last 5 minutes we get a feels trip, that makes me go and cry in the corner for a good 20 minutes*

END OF 5TH NIGHT


	6. 6th Night

6th Night - And for some reason they animated the skipped chapters

*storm at the railway station*

ALLEN: *stares at the Innocence*

TOMATO: *opens door* We're stuck because of the storm.

ALLEN: *again attacks with his googley eyes*

ME: This is even scarier than what you did last time.

TOMATO: *lets himself in*

ALLEN: And now, let me angst about the questions that keep me up all night to you, dear follower I know for like 2 days.

*scene changes to a roller-bladed guy who witnesses the creation of an Akuma*

ME: Yet again, you spoiler, Anime-kun. Ok, kid, now slowly back out and run for your-

BRAT: IT'S AN AKUMA!

ME: Wait a minute, I thought the existence of Akuma was unknown to the public.

HOSHINO: I'll get to that.

ALLEN: Where's that Akuma bitch?

RANDOM CITIZEN: There's no Akuma, just this attentionwhoring brat. *hits a guy with rollerblades*

ME: Rollerblades in the 19th century?

HOSHINO: Alternative, remember?

BRAT: I ain't lying! This homeless guy was killed and a freakin' skeleton pushed its way down his throat! Literally!

HOMELESS DUDE/AKUMA: *claps hand over the kids*

ME: Not suspicious at all.

HOMELESS DUDE/AKUMA: Nah, just kiddin', we're just playin'.

MOB: *leaves*

HOMELESS DUDE/AKUMA: Wanna play the rape game?

JAN: *shakes head*MMMPH!

HOMELESS DUDE/AKUMA: That's the spirit!

ALLEN: *appears behind him* Rather _your_ arse is mine.

HOMELESS DUDE/AKUMA: FUUUUU-! *explodes*

ALLEN: _This girl is on fire~_ Yea, burn bitch!

JAN: *tackles Allen* *goes on an' on about Exorcist and Anti-Akuma Weapons*

ALLEN: *is in coma*

*scene jump, Allen magically recovers and Anime-kun yet again spoilers*

ALLEN: Flesh wound.

JAN: You still look weak though.

ALLEN: Says the midget on wheels. Now quit getting on my nerves by asking stupid questions or the Earl will come and slaughter you.

JAN: *throws onion bomb at him*

ONION BOMB: *explodes*

ALLEN: *has a double waterfall of tears*

JAN: Don't tell me what to do! *wheels off*

ALLEN: I'll strange you to death you little punk!

TOMATO: Told ya not to get involved in something unrelated.

ALLEN: This guy was pretty much part of my job. I'll hunt that little fucker down.

*scene changes to the Order*

SCIENTIST: This just won't end.

ALLEN: *is posing all Virgin Mary style* Are you in need of my divine guidance?

*is ignored*

ALLEN: Why don't you all welcome back your Lord and Saviour?!

LENALEE: I brought coffee!

SCIENCIST: YES, OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR!

ALLEN: *twitches* I must gain them back. *he says to himself then turns to Lenalee* Lenalee, after telling me where do I put this Innocence, are you interested in getting to know your Lord and Saviour?

LENALEE: Give it to Hevlaska *leaves*

ALLEN: HOW DARE YOU TRY TO ESCAPE MY DIVINE CARE?!

*scene changes*

HEVLASKA: Welcome back, Allen Walker.

ALLEN: Glad to see, some of you peasants have manners. *hands over Innocence*

HEVLASKA: I'll guard it until a General returns.

KOMUI: There are five of them and they are looking for Exorcists.

*another flashback spoiler*

*Hevlaska puts Innocence in her body, scene changes to a seemingly endless road*

YOUNG BOY(who could that be?!): *practically drags himself, dead tired, falls from stumbling on absolutely nothing, oh wait there's a less than pea sized stone there*

OLD MAN WHOSE FACE IS NOT SHOWN: Don't stop, always keep walking.

ME: That's Allen and Mana right? With the voice of Madao. But I'm sure that's not how Mana meant.

LITTLE ALLEN: *stares with moe eyes*

PRESENT ALLEN: *wakes up*

*scene changes as he goes to eat*

LENALEE: You can't go there.

ALLEN: Why?

LENALEE: You just can't.

ALLEN: What do you mean-Oh, wait, don't you know someone from the science department who's related to a kid called Jan?

ME: Err... Jan is a pretty common name you know... though this IS the only lead...

LENALEE: I think that's Jake Russell's child.

REEVER: Russell? He's over there. *points at a huge pile*

ALLEN: *goes to touch it*

VOICE: You wanna die? The forces holding it together are weak you know.

ALLEN: Yeah, it's called gravity and she's a total bitch. You're Russell aren't you? I came cause your kid is a dumb shit trying to play hero - which is MY role, as the protagonist - and I want you to tell him to GTFO of MY show.

RUSSELL: *totally ignores him*

ALLEN: Weelll, if you're sooo busy and absolutely fucking not pay attention to me, then I'm off to kill your kid.

*scene changes, to reveal a party dedicated to Allen*

JERRY: I'M DONE, CALL MY HUN~!

LENALEE: HE'S GONE! I'LL GO AFTER HIM!

*meets up with Tomato*

TOMATO: Where's that annoying brat- I mean Master Walker.

LENALEE: I'm searching for him too.

TOMATO: Damn brat, probably went after that Jan-named guy. We have to get him back, he might die and I can't be indebted to such imbecile. The Finders who watched that boy were all killed by Akuma.

ME: Buut, he's an Exorcist, he should be fine, right?

LENALEE: No, it's finally my time to shine, let's go!

*scene changes*

MAID: *knocks* Young Master, you have guest over.

ME: HOLY SHIT, THAT FACE IS GONNE GIVE ME NIGHTMARES!

JAN: *creeps door open* Who? *sees visitor* Leo! Come in friend!

LEO: *looks around in room*

ME: Is it me, or he looks creepy?

JAN: I haven't seen you since your mom died.

ME: *winces* Right in the feels, Jan, right in the feels.

JAN: You just lost your mom, but hey cheer up, it could have been me!

ME: *facepalm* So considerate, ain't he?

JAN: *thinking* He changed. Losing his mother must have been hard.

ME: No shit!

JAN: *still "thinking"* How could I cheer him up?

LEO: *is not amused.*

ME: I don't know about him, but I'd be happy if you grew a brain for starters.

JAN: Guess, what I've seen an Akuma - and you haven't~! Also the Millennium Earl!

LEO: *gives the Earl a peepshow*

ME: Oh...

*meanwhile*

KOMUI: LENALEE WHY DID YOU ELOPE AND DIDN'T TELL ME?!

ME: Heh, Komui, lel.

*back to Jean*

JAN: *draws* He looks like this!

LEO: *puts his hand on the little idiot's* Come with me to nowhere in particular.

JAN: Sure, I'm sure nothing bad can happen!

*outside Allen rings the bell*

ALLEN: Damn, why am I even here again, woman?

HOSHINO: My world, my rules.

ALLEN: *sigh*

MAID: *opens door*

JAN: *shoves her on him*

ALLEN: GET BACK, YOU LITTLE FUCKER SO I CAN STRANGLE YOU!

JAN: HAHA! Thou shan't catch mei!

ALLEN: I'll kill tha- *eye activates* Glorious. I can get away with killing that little shit if I put the blame on that blondie.

*scene changes, behold the ominous cemetery*

JAN: Leo, why are we here? You wanna show where your mom is? *bumps into someone*

HAND: *pats Jan/holds him in space*

ME: Pedo Bear? Is that you?

JAN: *recoils* The Millennium Earl! *throws onion bomb at him, grabs Leo's hand* Leo let's run!

LEO: *doesn't move*

JAN: WTF Leo?! A homicidal maniac is after us and you dally around?!

LEO: *rapeface*

MILLENIUM EARL: He's been dead for a while. Now it's your turn.

JAN: *realized* No, it can't be!

ALLEN: It's true. _That boy is a monster-_ I mean, that boy is an Akuma.

*to Tomato and Lenalee*

TOMATO: Jean's mom died and he made her an Akuma and it's killing the Finders. So much for staying uninvolved.

LENALEE: Soon. My scene comes soon!

ME: Wait, how do they know where to go?

*Timcampy shows up and shows the way*

ME: Oh.

*back to the Earl*

ALLEN: 'Sup, bitch. I came to kick your ass.

MILLENNIUM EARL: An Exorcist?

ALLEN: No shit Sherlock, why do you think I have badass green flames?

MILLENNIUM EARL: Oh really now? *tilts head to the side* It's nice to meet you-

ALLEN: How do you know it's nice to meet me? I might be an arsehole.

MILLENNIUM EARL: Nice to meet you...?

ALLEN: *Anti-Akuma weapon flares up* Cross, kill that little fuck and purify its soul. *attacks*

JAN: *jumps between the two*

ALLEN: *stops*

JAN: *but too late, get pierced* You stabbed me! *bleeds*

ALLEN: Tragic, really.

JAN: No, he can't be an Akuma, he has me!

ALLEN: No one likes you.

JAN: WHAT PROOF DO YOU HAVE?!

LEO: *charges guns*

JAN: Well, shit.

LEO: *fires*

ALLEN: *protects him with his body*

JAN: ALLEN!

ALLEN: *gets infected, stars litter him* Damn, _I_ want to kill you.

EARL: *hearts* Your ass is mine you little fuck. I'll have your best friend kill you for fucking with me.

ALLEN: Nope, that's her mom.

EARL: What the-?

ALLEN: *dramatic effect* _I can see her_.

EARL: Then join her, duh.

ALLEN: Lol, I'm immune. Better luck next time. *heals himself*

EARL: Wait a- I remember you!

*Tomato and Lenalee conveniently arrives*

EARL: You're the kid, who made his Dad an Akuma, Allen Walker!

LENALEE: Finally, my time to shine and demand with all passion I posses: Allen made his dad into an Akuma?!

ME: Wai-... the whole point of postponing this mini-arc to the time when Allen is already part of the Order... all that was just so Lenalee can say that line?

ANIME: Pretty much.

End of 6th Night.


	7. 7th Night

7th Night - Even if Akuma bullets aren't fatal for you, they hurt like a bitch

JAN: U WOT M8?

ALLEN: STFU. He was some guy who took me in despite my birth defect. And know let me reveal as little of my life story as possible.

*now let's show everyone's face, you might forget that they are here just for the sake of giving surprised gasps*

*Mana dies in an accident*

ME: Errr... the manga doesn't say how he died... Was it omitted for a reason, like it'll be significant in the future?

HOSHINO: *shrugs with fake innocence*

ALLEN: So when he died, this giant goblin came and offered to revive him. But he lied to me and wanted to keep me as his bitch. So I destroyed his plaything AKA my late father and this fucker ran away like a little bitch. Then came Cross, who really made me his bitch.

*Allen instantly loses hair colour and wound instantly closes up*

ME: That's not how it works. That's not how any of it works.

MINI ALLEN: *stares at the remnants of Mana*

CROSS: There's no freedom for a soul of an Akuma. Nor for you who was born with an Anti-Akuma weapon, thus is destined to become an Exorcist.

MINI ALLEN: *stares into nothingness with the most herp derp expression so far*

ME: SERIOUSLY, THE EYES, PAY ATTENTION TO THEM!

ANIME: Would you stop always throwing a bitchfit about the eyes?

ME: No, because it's a very important point of a manga!

ANIME: Well, this is an anime, duh.

ME: FUUUU-!

CROSS: You don't really have a choice in the matter, but do you wanna become an Exorcist?

ALLEN: Aaand ever since then, I see the souls of the Akuma.

EARL: See them? Stay with them. *sits on the Akuma*

ME: Is it me, or he really looks like a hen that's hatching her eggs?

LEO: *shoots*

LENALEE: I MUST SCREAM, THAT'S WHY THEY MEDDLED WITH THE TIME LINE AND ALL STEINS GATE!

ALLEN: *0 fuck is given on his part*

EARL: OMG, YOU WITHSTOOD A MERE LEVEL 1!

ME: Errr...

ANIME: Don't. Even. Start.

ALLEN: These kinds of attacks won't work on me. See this right hand (which is actually left, I just happen to have wrong sense of direction)? I fapped long enough to make it hella strong and fast, the armour of that pile of shit is like eggshell for a God.

EARL: Cheeky brat.

ME: Errr...

EARL: Alright~ *points umbrella to the sky (WHICH CAN FUCKING TALK BTW), light flares at the tip, the night sky mirrors it* Let's see how you fare with these guys *shitload of Akuma arrives* Fire.

ALLEN: *gets shot*

JAN: ALLEN, NO, EVEN THOUGH THESE ATTACKS ARE USELESS ON YOU I MUST SCREAM TO RAISE THE TENSION!

CANON: *shifts to Jan*

LENALEE: IT'S TIME FOR MY MAJOU SHOUJOU TRANSFORMATION!

ME: Oh, so she wasn't here only to gasp and ask the anime-esque questions? I don't really see the point flipping the order just to include you. I guess fanservice it is then.

LENALEE: LOOK AT THE SOCKS DISINTEGRATE AROUND MY LEGS!

ME: *sighs*

LENALEE: LOOK AT MY FABOULOUS DOUBLE BACKFLIP! What am I doing again? OH, YEA, MUST PROTECT THE LITTLE GUY! *sammersaults there and gets Jan out of the way* PANTY-SHOT!

ME: These Akuma are so nice, always waiting until their opponent.

ALLEN: God damn it, she saved him. Well, at least _I_ can kill him later.

LENALEE: *gets Jan to safety then flips around*

ALLEN: Wha? She's an Exorcist too?

TOMATO: Yup.

LENALEE: IN DA NAME OF DA MOON, SCATTER SUCKERS! *destroys an Akuma* D-D-D-D-DROP THAT ASS!

ME: Excuse me, but you said that these Akuma have lethal poison. Wouldn't it be better if her thighs was covered up, if it drips on her she's pretty much dead.

LENALEE: I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY AWESOMENESS!

ALLEN: I won't let you hap away MY worshippers.

EARL: HURRY, ATTACK MORE, PEOPLE MIGHT REALISE THAT THIS ISN'T AN EPIC BATTLE!

LENALEE: *explosion behind her blows her away*

ALLEN: NO, YOU CAN'T DIE, I WANNA KILL YOU PERSONALLY FOR TAKING MY FOLLOWERS!

EARL: *shoots at the temple where they are*

TOMATO: *covering the kid - literally*

ME: WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING THERE TOMACCHIO?!

TOMATO: If they don't finish soon the whole town is gonna be in danger.

ME: You don't say?!

JAN: *this trigger a flashback about the time he told Leo about Akuma*

ME: I love how Allen basically jumps on nothing in a loop.

JAN: Leo, you idiot! You made yourselves an Akuma just to see her again. Even though you still had me! ALLEN DESTROY HIM!

ALLEN: *attacks but unable to even scratch it* Damn, the Earl's huge behind is giving it +40 defense. Then, since we're near the end of this episode, finally I can fight for real. CROSS GRAVE *destroys them all*

EARL: * _Millennium Earl is falling down, falling down, falling down~*_ I think killing you can wait, first I go and kill the bitch who dares to make fun of me.

ME: EEEP! *flees*

EARL: Oh, but before I forget, remember Allen, this is just the beginning, I'll destroy this world with you and the corrupt gods. *heart* Bye~ *goes back to hunt down and kill fanfic author*

ALLEN: *collapses* Damn, I have no power left to strangle that kid.

JAN: Could you pass out please until I cry? I know you might die of blood loss, which is totally my fault and all, but could you wait for me to stop wallowing in self-pity?

ME: Wait, why did you leave out the blood?

ANIME: Are you nuts?! Little kids watch this show!

ME: This material is definitely not for children.

ALLEN: I think I still can gut you.

JAN: I'm on my way.

*back at the order*

ALLEN: Your son sent you this.

RUSSEL: Wait, I have a kid? *opens box, onion bomb explodes*

KOMUI: *glomps Lenalee and pouts as if wanting to kiss*

ME: NOTP, NOTP, NOTP!

KOMUI: *deflates*

RUSSEL: Shitty brat, once I get my hands on him... You too, you shouldn't run off without orders, people might think it's fun to live here.

ALLEN: Fuck the system. *hallucinates Mana's voice for no reason*

END OF 7TH NIGHT


	8. 8th Night

I apologize for the absence, finals got me pretty bad. I'll try to keep myself to the weekly twice schedule. Thank you **Kolorful Kyandii** and **theyoungelite** for reviewing!

8th Night - Anime-kun decides yet again that he doesn't give a fuck about the correct order, he just throws the arcs together, whatever

ALLEN: *does not one-handed, but FREAKIN' SINGLE-THUMBED PUSHUPS ON A TILTED CHAIR* 297, 298, 299, 300.

*explosions outside*

ALLEN: Kanda, my dear worshipper, what was that sound?

KANDA: How should I know, don't talk to me.

LENALEE: He's just sour because he fucked up a mission.

ALLEN: Talking about sour, I'm hungry, I'll go and eat.

LENALEE: NO, YOU CAN'T!

ALLEN: WOMAN, STOP TRYING TO KEEP ME AWAY FROM MY LOVE!

LENALEE: You can't go coz they're cleaning.

ALLEN: Then as their god, I'll go and brighten up their day!

LENALEE: Don't. Help me instead. This way.

ALLEN: Wait, don't order around your god!

*in the Science Department*

KOMUI: *literally blows down your door* EVERYONE, I BROUGHT ALL OF YOU THE COMPLETE SALVATION! KOMURIN 2! HE CAN DO ALL THE PAPERWORK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO. And yours too if you accept Komurin (and me) as your lord and saviour.

SCIENCE DEPARTMENT: *starts worshipping Komurin*

LENALEE: I bought you guys coffee! You can worship ME instead of that.

ALLEN: Or you know, ME, since that's why I came here.

KOMURIN: *takes coffee*

ALLEN: Why am I to ask but whatev: Can this guy even drink coffee?

KOMUI: Nope, it's a robot, OFC it can't.

KOMURIN: *still drinks it and breaks*

EVERYONE: FUCK

KOMURIN: That woman is in my way of becoming god. I must eliminate her. *approaches her*

LENALEE: OH MY GOD NO, WHAT DO I DO, I CAN'T RUN AWAY, I'M TRAPPED IN NOTHING!

ALLEN: Last time you stole my screen time, it's time you pay! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! And I gonna watch as I hold on to these mugs of coffee! I'm sure they're relevant somehow!

JOHNNY: HELP HER

ALLEN: LOL, No.

KOMUI: SOMEONE HELP HER, SHE'S COMPLETELY DEFENCELESS, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE HAS MAGIC SHOES! Oh, right, Komurin, you have other competition here!

ALLEN: *drops tray* See? Told you.

KOMURIN: *knocks out Lenalee with gas instead of injection but at this point what does it even matter*

ALLEN: Now if you excuse me, I must save you from this guy and become a god. *runs off* NOW I MUST SCREAM TO ATTRACT ATTENTION SO PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEIR GOD IS PASSING BY AND ENGAGING IN AN EPIC BATTLE SO THEY CAN WORSHIP ME.

RUSSEL: Guys, he might be a little shit, but he's still an Exorcists, we should help him.

REEVER: Yeah, we'd get a pay cut if we didn't.

ALLEN: *still runs and screams to express dominance*

TAPED-MOUTH GHOST: This way!

ALLEN: Oh an exit, how didn't I think of it before, I only ran past it like 100 times. *rounds the corner* You deserve some love for being service. Now let the suspense build, before I make my debutant. Meanwhile take me somewhere where you can worship me.

KOMURIN: *runs past*

ALLEN: *in a dirty storeroom* This ain't a chapel mate.

KOMURIN: *finds him*

ALLEN: NO, HOW ARE PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO WORSHIP ME NOW! *runs away on the wings of poorly drawn anime, budget cuts I guess*

KOMURIN: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! *fires missiles at him*

ALLEN: *finally runs to the elevator*

REEVER: Everyone's here.

ALLEN: Whoa, there's actually very few of you guys.

KOMURIN: *approaches*

JOHNNY: *loads cannon* IMMA (gonna) FIRE MA LASER(once it's loaded)! *ready* Okay, then IMMA FIRIN MAH LASE-!

KOMUI: *descends from the sky like an angel of damnation (presently he is) to cover Johnny's eyes* DON'T SHOOT!

CANNON: *shoots everything but Komurin*

ALLEN: You guys are completely useless.

KANDA: *leisurely strolls in for no reason* WTF

ALLEN: U blind or something? Run, I must save you!

KANDA: Ah, I know that thing, I killed one in the past. I'll be fine, you however... *leaves*

ALLEN: Come back so I can save you!

CANNON: *runs outta ammo*

KOMURIN: *captures Allen*

ALLEN: The perfect chance to display my power! Behold the power of your god! *invokes Innocence into cannon*

KOMUI: *shoots blowpipe*

ALLEN: WHO MADE ME IMPOTENT?! AND WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO WHINE WHEN I SACRIFICED MYSELF TO SAVE MY FOLLOWERS?! WHAT'S UP WITH THIS SCRIPT ANIME?!

ANIME: STFU, You're my bitch now.

LENALEE: *her eyes pop open to see Allen dragged in Komurin* Time for me to shine! *teleports on the edge of the canon from some random floor where Komui left her and attacks Komurin*

ME: ISN'T THIS A LITTLE DANGEROUS SEEING THAT ALLEN IS STILL INSIDE THAT?!

LENALEE: Oh, what a pity it'd be if he died. I'd be forced to become the main lead.

ME: WAIT WHAT?!

LENALEE: *drops on Komurin* THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

MUMMY ALLEN CLIMB OUT: Too bad you can't kill me for I am the protagonist. *we get some Allen fanservice*

REEVER: Thank god, I won't get a paycut!

MUMMY ALLEN: Yeah, thank me.

REEVER: And fuck Komurin.

*scientists start to lynch it*

KOMUI: NO! DON'T HATE KOMURIN! HATE THE COFFEE!

LENALEE: HAHA, no. *kicks them off* THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAAA(BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE WE ARE BUT SPARTA SOUNDS GOOD)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

KOMUI: *a wonder how he didn't die*

LENALEE: Now come with me.

ALLEN: Don't order your god around!

LENALEE: We have food.

ALLEN: COMING!

*scene changes to the cafeteria that strangely enough wasn't damaged*

ALLEN: A welcoming party. I see you peasants have some manners after all.

LENALEE: Here's your cup, the mark of your servitude towards me.

ALLEN: Why on earth are you serving me champagne in a cup?

LENALEE: Shut up and drink it.

ALLEN: *tears up from the shitty taste* Now let me tear up and play all touched as the anime script asks me to or I won't get paid.

*scene changes to a grinning egg*

RIPPED GUY: *eats the egg* THIS ISN'T SWEET! *beats up Akuma maid*

SLICKED HAIRED GUY: STFU and eat it.

SPIKY HAIRED LOLITA: Why did you call us here, Earl? Are we finally making our debut?

ANIME: Not today. *ending*

END OF 8TH NIGHT


	9. 9th Night

Thank you for the follows and favourites, also **ef07** and **Kolorful Kyandinii** for reviewing!

9th Night - For the first time in a long while Anime-kun (somewhat) follows the actual plotline without (much) tampering.

*set in a random European town*

*newspaper arrives*

ZOMBIE LIKE WOMAN: I buy this goddamn newspaper every fucking time and I still don't know what year is it.

*leaves apartment*

HATERS: U ugly, Miranda.

MIRANDA: I hate my life.

*back at the Order*

KOMUI: There might be, but not certain, but there still might be but not really-

ALLEN: Get to the point.

KOMUI: Innocence rewinds a town. No one goes in and out. You might get in but you might never get out. Go get it.

LENALEE: 'kay, let's go.

ALLEN: You sure you want to get stuck with me in the same place?

LENALEE: Rather you than him.

ALLEN: True.

*leave on boat*

ALLEN: _Row, row, row the boat~_

LENALEE: Will you stop or I'll have to step in your face? Let's talk about things that matter instead: like me. I'll reveal a little about my back story so the anime doesn't have to use up that many manga chapters.

*arrives to the town*

ALLEN: TOMATO!

TOMATO: Why do I always have to be assigned with you?

ANIME: Because I don't feel like paying for more voice actors.

*At Miranda*

MIRANDA: STILL THE FUCKING SAME. * goes and talks to the clock because the anime can't afford to let her talk to birds and make her a Disney princess*

LENALEE: I'll go this way, you go that way and let's hope we won't see each other until noon.

ALLEN: Time to gather more followers.

MIRANDA: *walks by*

HATERS: *throw poop at her*

MIRANDA: *dodges*

HATERS: SHE DODGED THE SNAKE/POOP!

MIRANDA: The same trick might work twice, three times, ten times, but after thirty times even I too can remember it.

ALLEN: ! Someone with a half brain!

HATERS: Lol, u still suck. *run off*

MIRANDA: The sun is so bright. Fucking same shit again.

WEATHER: *fucking clouds everywhere*

ALLEN: I retract my previous statement.

MIRANDA: *goes into alley*

AKUMA: Yo.

MIRANDA: Yeah, maybe yesterday wasn't so bad.

AKUMA: *cages her*

ALLEN: Let my potential worshipper go. *stands there all Jedi with a lightsabre*

AKUMA: *attacks him*

MIRANDA: Yep, today is def not yesterday. *leaves*

ALLEN: HEY, COME BACK, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SAVE YOU IF YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE?! *destroys Akuma* Cool guys might not look at explosions, but I'm even cooler so it's okay.

MIRANDA: *dances until muddy water splashes her* Still. The fucking. Same. *turns back to see Allen stroll by* I know that little shit! *follows him*

*at the Earl, apparently they **still** have dinner*

EARL: My dear family, we're starting, use my Akuma as you want.

SPIKY HAIRED LOLITA GIRL: I'M GOING!

*back to the town*

ALLEN: That's a piece of art from your one and only god, you better pray to this.

LENALEE: This is a bunch of garbage.

ALLEN: Art usually is. *shovels down food* And what did you do while I found our target.

LENALEE: She got away, dolt.

ALLEN: So what, it's not like she can get out and we literally have all the time of the world.

LENALEE: I really hate you at times like this.

MIRANDA: For real?

ALLEN: THAT'S HER!

MIRANDA: *tries to flee*

ALLEN: WAIT, IT'S ME YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR!

MIRANDA: What on Earth are you blabbing about?

*in the pub*

MIRANDA: My name is Miranda Lotto. NOW HELP ME OUTTA THIS MESS!

ALLEN: WHOA, YOU'RE GETTING SNOT ALL OVER MY FANCY COAT! *eye activates* Ah, great, something to kill, just what I needed.

AKUMAS: *transform*

ALLEN: Most likely you made contact with the Innocence, that's why this happens, my dear worshipper. Woman, you go and place her in safety. *destroys an Akuma*

LENALEE: Whatev. *flies away*

*Tomato stands alone in the rain*

SPIKY HAIRED LOLITA GIRL: *enters not giving a fuck that she get burned* Road Kamelot is in town, bitches.

*Allen fights the Akuma*

ROAD: What are you doing? Shouldn't you be collecting the Innocence? Return.

*Akumas flee*

ALLEN: YEAH, THAT'S IT RUN YOU BUNCH OF BITCHES!

LENALEE: IT'S TIME FOR MY- where did they go?

ALLEN: Beats me. No matter I won.

ROAD: Only until I gutted you.

END OF 9TH NIGHT


	10. 10th Night

Ok,sorry for the long absence, this time I came down with a long illness that left me bedridden for DAYS. Couldn't even go to school, which is like a 10 mnutes walk without feeling I would faint.

Anywho, thank you **ef07** and **Kolorful Kyandiini** for reviewing me, also thank you very much for your continued support!

10th Night - Don't get drunk, your wishes might come true

ALLEN&LENALEE: *on their way back to Miranda*

ALLEN: How dare those bastards leave without me killing them?

LENALEE: Quit whining and come already, that woman must have flipped shit by now.

MIRANDA: How the hell did you brats get in here?

ALLEN: Through the door.

MIRANDA: WHY THE DOOR? WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE A DOOR? *flips shit until her necklace tears off and falls, knocking Lenalee over giving and _accidental_ almost panty shot* I'm fucking useless dammit.

ALLEN: No shit.

MIRANDA: No one ever said thank you to me, I was never useful.

LENALEE: Is this story still going on?

MIRANDA: But then! I met this clock! *love is in the air*

ALLEN: Great, a woman loving a c(l)ock, we're so gonna get kink shamed for this.

MIRANDA: DON'T DARE YOU TALK TO MY C(L)OCK LIKE THAT! *turns to clock* Sh-sh, it's okay, he didn't mean it that way!

ALLEN: That ain't no cl()ock, that's Innocence.

MIRANDA: I...don't have that already.

ALLEN: Not that kind of Innocence. I'm talking about the weapon, the reason why you were attacked.

MIRANDA: But how could I have something like that?

ALLEN: Beats me. But you touched it.

MIRANDA: OFC I did *goes to polish clock* There, there get all nice and shiny~

*goes around town*

MIRANDA: *fixes plushie*

CLOCK: *strikes midnight*

MIRANDA: *goes into trance then in bed*

*clock faces appear everywhere and clock teleports between the sleeping Miranda and Allen&Lenalee, envelops everything in blue and sucks the time in*

LENALEE: *is about to get sucked in with her 45 kg*

ALLEN: QUICK, GRAB MY DICK!

LENALEE: 'kay, where is it?

ALLEN: Fine, my hand'll do too.

*suddenly it's morning again*

ALLEN: *glances down in pants* Yep, it's morning.

MIRANDA: *gives Lenalee some hot drink that can range from tea, through coffee, milk, cocoa to boiled wine*

ALLEN: Look! I am your c(l)ock- I mean I am your god now!

MIRANDA&LENALEE: *screams*

ALLEN: Chill, you don't have to worry about me I'm fine.

LENALEE: That's the problem actually.

MIRANDA: *takes out knife* HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY C(L)OCK!

ALLEN: BUT HOW ON EARTH DID THIS HAPPEN?

*flashback*

MIRANDA: *is totally wasted by her c(l)ock* I really hit the low when I was fired and I wished tomorrow would never come.

LENALEE: She's probably a host.

ALLEN: Yeah, that was pretty much obvious since she's the only one who's not affected.

LENALEE: Smart-assing wasn't in your script.

ALLEN: Great. Then wish it back to normal.

MIRANDA: Oh c(l)ock, please undo this.

*newspaper arrives - still 28th October*

EPIC FAIL

ALLEN: *is juggling but only with three balls instead of numerous swords meanwhile twirling the hula-hoops*

ME: But why?

ANIME: I don't want to be sued because some kid tried it at home.

LENALEE: *shows up*

ME: I've been wondering how come she didn't participate too? If not as another acrobat then as a witch?

HOSHINO: *crickets chirping*

LENALEE: Coz I'm the pimp. Did you make money?

ALLEN: Yeah, I was a clown when I was little so no problem.

LENALEE: Who cares, it's time to talk about me again. I was forced to join the Order, so I made it my mission to make everyone worship me.

MIRANDA: 'Kay enough of your sob stories, even working is better than listening to this.

ALLEN: Finally.

ROAD: Hey, if you guys slack I tell on you.

ALLEN: This way, pls.

RINGLEADER: YOU WERE PICKPOCKETED?! IT'S YOUR FAULT!

ALLEN: What on earth woman, I leave you alone for a second and this happens?

MIRANDA: INSTEAD OF SCREAMING AT ME HOW ABOUT CATCHING THAT SON OF A BITCH *points at the thief who strangely enough runs on the roof*

ALLEN&LENALEE: *start chasing him*

MIRANDA: Damn it, why do these things keep happening to me? Why is my c(l)ock is the Innocence?

ROAD: Hm, so your clock is the Innocence, eh?

ALLEN&LENALEE: *finally corner the thief*

ALLEN: *left eye activates* IT'S A TRAP!

*other two Akuma appear and capture them*

ALLEN: *wakes up to see Miranda tied to the c(l)ock instead of being nailed to it*

ANIME: Before you even ask, it's to shield the young viewers from violence.

ALLEN: *finally notices that he's nailed to the wall*

ROAD: *uses her 6th sense* You're awake.

ALLEN: *looks at Lenalee* Wait, we get nailed to the wall and she gets a makeover? The hell?

AKUMA: No amount of make up could fix you, kid.

ALLEN: Yea, I'm gonna kill you for that. *at Road* You're not an Akuma. What are you?

ROAD: Human, duh.

ALLEN: Did you came all this way to make me your lord and saviour?

ROAD: Nope.

ALLEN: Then pray tell, why are you hanging out with them? They're weapons.

ROAD: Don't weapons exist so humans can kill each other? I'm not some shitty human. I'm a person who's part of the Noah clan.

ANIME: CLIFFHANGER!

END OF 10TH NIGHT


	11. 11th Night

Still can't believe that people read this lol. Special thanks for **ef07** (I love your profile fic, Kagura is the best!), **Kittenanimegirl13** and **Kolorful Kyandii** for reviewing, you guys are awesome.

Thank you for the follows and favourties, have fun.

11th Night - Is short because 10seconds went away with the opening, ending, a mashup from the last episode and so on so I have barely material to prey on.

*in Miranda's home: c(l)ock is gone and instead of "Fuck you, Exorcists!" anime-kun decided to write "I've got your Innocence!"*

MIRANDA: *in a different dimension she is tied to her c(l)ock instead of being nailed to it*

ANIME: The hell needs PTA on my arse.

ROAD: As I said in the last minutes of the previous episode, I'm a Noah.

ALLEN* Dafuq? *activates X-RAY vision* Holy fuck she is.

LERO: Stop giving info out to strangers.

ROAD: I do what I want. This won't affect the Earl's plans so who cares?

ALLEN: DID YOU SAY EARL?! *TEARS HIS FUCKING ARM THROUGH THE NAILS but still screams when he wasn't supposed to* Don't judge me, the anime pays double for it.

ROAD: Whoa, we've got a badass over here.

ALLEN: Why would anyone be that fatass' bitch, I'm the only god.

ROAD: Lol, u mad? Here I'll show you I'm human. *hugs him* What? No reaction?

ALLEN: As if anyone would be attracted to your preteen body.

ROAD: *stabs him in the eye*

ALLEN: Yeah, I really shouldn't have said that. *aims at her*

ROAD: You can't kill me or the show will be over and you don't get money.

ALLEN: !*is unmoving as Akumas attack him and passes out sexily*

ROAD: *turns to Miranda* Your turn.

ALLEN: Nope, we ain't done. *teleports there and save her*

ROAD: What the fuck?

ALLEN: *frees Miranda*

MIRANDA: I'M OUTTA HERE.

ALLEN: *in daze*

MIRANDA: Oh, fuck, he's not dead is he?

ALLEN: Nope.

MIRANDA: Fuck, he's still alive.

ALLEN: Flesh wound. *collapses*

MIRANDA: FUUUU *runs back to him*

ROAD: What on earth are you doing?

MIRANDA: I'm having a nervous breakdown, thank you very much.

C(L)OCK: _FRANTIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC TOCK!_

MIRANDA: *goes 0 to 100 in a blink of an eye*

ROAD: WOT

ALLEN: *gets revitalized* Fuck, just what I needed, even more competition. *pulls Lenalee in* Wake the fuck up woman, we've got work to do.

LENALEE: *releases Tim*

TIM: *doesn't hit Allen's face unlike in the manga*

LENALEE: I was dreaming of the past.

ALLEN: Yea, that's nice but we're kinda in the middle of a fight.

MIRANDA: You live. Because of my Innocence.

ALLEN: I live 'cause I'm god.

MIRANDA: I'm a god?

ALLEN: No, I'm the god, you're the worshipper.

MIRANDA: I'm god.

ALLEN: I don't have time for this. Whatever, thanks.

MIRANDA: *in daze* He thanked me.

LENALEE: The fuck you woke me up for? *starts throwing attacks*

MIRANDA: Incredible. Her attacks are doing no damage but I'm getting paid for saying this

LENALEE: Let's go.

AKUMA: *in the tornado* WHERE ARE YOU, EXORCISTS?!

ALLEN: Right behind you. *destroys it*

*anime-kun exchanges the position, so Allen is kneeling and Lenalee is standing, and at this point I don't even know why*

ROAD: 'kay, you guys maybe don't suck that much.

END OF 11TH NIGHT


	12. 12th Night

Another chapter of pure Crack. Thank you for **Kolorful Kyandii** (thank you for the fanftic compliment, I'm not a 100% content with the anime, sometimes they do downright illogial shit), **ef07** and **Kittenanimegirl13** for reviewing and everyone else who followed/favourited this trainwreck. Enjoy the madness.

12th Night - After all that seinen like stuff Hoshino reminds us that this is a shounen manga

ALLEN: THIS IS THE END!

AKUMA: *attacks* Lol, hit!

ROAD: Even you guys can't be stupid enough to believe that worked.

*fighto!*

ALLEN: *grabs Akuma* GOTCHA BITCH! *injuries appear* You've gotta be fucking kidding me. *lets go* I'll be back.

LENALEE: Don't come back, it's my time to shine.

MIRANDA: Someone's coming.

ALLEN: *floats like some majou shoujo as he gets sucked off*

MIRANDA: U K?

ALLEN: I'm pretty sure I died back then. Whatev, C Ya.

LENALEE: *is about to die but gets saved in time*

ALLEN: I'm back. Now get your arse into that c(l)ock dome bullshit while I kick ass.

LENALEE: As if.

ROAD: That woman is a host.

LERO: WHA REALLY?!

ROAD: Yeah, it's been known for like 2 episodes what the fuck were you doing?

LENALEE: I'm back bitch. *looks at Road* Who the fuck is that?

ALLEN: She's kinda been here for the last 5 minutes, how the fuck didn't you notice her, you even attacked her!

LENALEE: She Akuma?

ALLEN: Nah, human.

LENALEE: Well, shit.

ROAD: A-L-L-E-N. The guy who can see the souls of the Akuma.

ALLEN: I... I fucking can't believe it. Someone in this goddamn show knows my name.

ROAD: Yeah, yeah, don't come in your pants. The Earl talked about you, that's why I decided to meddle with YOU.

ALLEN: Ah, fuck, all I needed was another sado-mazo homicidal teenage girl.

ROAD: *to the Akuma* Self-Destruct.

ALLEN: DAFUQ?

ROAD: Did you know?

ALLEN: No.

ROAD: I didn't even finish.

ALLEN: I have a pretty good idea that I don't know or you wouldn't ask.

ROAD: Well... you're right. I hope you know when this guy explodes, thus dies without the use of Innocence the soul will vanish.

ALLEN: OH, SHIT! HOW AM I GOING TO BECOME A GOD LIKE THAT?! *jumps to save it when he could just aim at it and get over with it but I guess this is a canonically important part so he jumps into the vicinity of the explosion*

LENALEE: U LOST YOUR MIND?!

ALLEN: MUST DESTROY!

LENALEE: NOPE, I WON'T DEAL WITH THE SHIT I HAVE TO PUT UP ON YOUR FUNERAL. *pulls him out of vicinity*

AKUMA: *soul falls into MU or whatever shit*

LENALEE: *still holds Allen for Allena reasons* Too much Yullen last arc, must tune down the homoeroticism.

ROAD: *giggles hysterically for the next decade*

ALLEN: *eye bleeds as if he saw her panties and screams out in pain*

ME: Holy fuck, first you crush it, then restore it but only to inflict more pain, duuuudee...

HOSHINO: *shrugs*

LENALEE: The fuck did you do again?

ALLEN: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU STOP ME?

LENALEE: *slaps him and cries* BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS!

ALLEN: DAFUQ? We are?

LENALEE: According to the script yes, so play along. *goes back to crying*

ROAD: Das nice, but that woman is unprotected.

ALLEN: Ah, shi-! *aimes at Akuma*

AKUMA: *defends, but is distracted enough to have Lenalee get behind and gets destroyed*

ROAD: This was fun. C ya next time~

ALLEN: *aims at her*

ROAD: *is not amused* Fire and say goodbye to your paycheck.

ALLEN: FU-! *lets her go*

*dreamworld collapses*

ALLEN: Okay, what the fuck.

LENALEE: Get your arse here, she's acting strange!

ALLEN: *sees Miranda looks as if she was about to die* I leave you alone for two seconds to this?

LENALEE: Why did you manage to kill that girl?

ALLEN: ...

LENALEE: Thought so. She's been using her Innocence for too long.

ALLEN: If you knew, why did you ask?

LENALEE: For cash.

MIRANDA: MUST. KEEP. IT. INSIDE.

ALLEN: Just Let It Go.

MIRANDA: I FUCKING HATE THAT SONG.

LENALEE: We will heal, Just Do It.

MIRANDA: I HATE THAT SLOGAN.

ALLEN: Wait, that's my line.

LENALEE: Oops.

MIRANDA: I FUCKING HATE YOU TWO. *releases time*

C(L)OCK: *strikes midnight for the first time in weeks*

RANDOM MAN AT PORT: K, that's for today.

MIRANDA: *appears like a Grim Reaper* THERE ARE TWO FUCKING BRATS BLEEDING OVER MY CARPET I DON'T WANT THEIR ROTTING CORPSE THERE, ON THE STREET FINE, BUT NOT IN MY ROOM, DO SOMETHING!

TOMA: *still stands outside*

MIRANDA: FINDER, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, TAKE THOSE BRATS AWAY FROM MY PLACE!

TOMA: Everyone in this fucking show is a lunatic?!

*scene changes*

KOMUI: Make sure no one comes in, Lavi.

ALLEN: I'M UP!

KOMUI: Pity, you missed the best part.

ALLEN: Why are you here?

KOMUI: You two are beaten to shit that's why.

ALLEN: Oh, so she's still alive.

NEW DUDE: She'll be up before you know it.

ME: I'm kinda glad he's not that creepy as in the manga, he looked as if someone stabbed him.

NEW DUDE: I'm Lavi, nice to meet ya.

ALLEN: Hi.

LAVI: Oh, right, you've got a letter right here, from some Miranda Lotto.

ALLEN: DID SHE FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGE ME AS HER LORD AND SAVIOUR?!

MIRANDA: HAHA, No. I only write to say that next time we meet, I'll be an Exorcist. Bye!

ALLEN: *throws letter away* To the trash where it belongs.


	13. 13th Night

This chapter took long because it turned out to be longer than usual. Oh well, thank you **ef07** and **Kittenanimegirl13** for reviewing and everyone else who followed/favourited this story.

13th Night - There's a saying that your wardrobe doesn't determine you, but actually that's a lie, it fucking matters

ROAD: *trolls with Lero* Okay, that guy was fun.

*festival at a random town*

MILLENNIUM EARL: What a peaceful town. It would be a shame if someone made Akumas here. *disappears*

RANDOM WOMAN: Goddamn it, how could you die and not leave a single coin you selfish bastard!

MILLENNIUM EARL: Such a shame that he's dead, do you want to bring him back?

RANDOM WOMAN: How the fuck did you get into my house?

MILLENNIUM EARL: A single thank you is enough. Now call for his soul.

Random woman: He'd better cough up where the money is but you ain't gonna get none. Come back darling!

DARLING: You.

RANDOM WOMAN WHOSE NAME APPEARS TO BE YOU OR THE ANIME WAS TOO LAZY TO COME UP WITH ONE: What?

DARLING: You made me into an Akuma!

RANDOM WOMAN WHOSE NAME IS YOU: *suddenly realises she's up against a talking skeleton*Oh shit

MILLENNIUM EARL: FINISH HER!

*screams away*

ALLEN: *wakes up*

KOMUI: *is still there*

ALLEN: Did you fucking watch me in my sleep?

KOMUI: *glasses glint*

ALLEN: Okay, why the fuck are you still here? Who are the Noah Clan?

LAVI: They are a supposedly fictional clan that's existence has never been empirically supported.

ALLEN: She stabbed my goddamn eye out, is that enough of a proof?

LAVI: They always appear at important historical times

ALLEN: Two seconds ago you said there was no evidence they existed.

LAVI: You came because they appeared by the Earl's side right?

ALLEN: Actually, you're the one who barged in uninvited.

LAVI: You came to ask the Bookman the keepers of history-

BOOT: *kicks him in the face, making him fly*

TINY BALDING MAN WITH A SINGLE STRAND OF HAIR IN A PONY-TAIL, A HOBBIT MAYBE: STFU, the only ones who can talk about the Bookmen are the Bookmen.

ALLEN: What's up with questionable people randomly appearing in my room?

LAVI: Who the fuck cares, ya'll gonna die soon and then I'll be Bookman.

THE HOBBIT: HAHA, no. *hits him in the head* Keep dreaming, brat. *turns to Allen* Are you the protagonist?

ALLEN: I am god.

THE HOBBIT: We are Bookmen.

ALLEN: ...

LAVI: We record the stuff that doesn't get into history book.

THE HOBBIT: DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO SHUT UP? *to Allen* I have no name. Call me Bookman.

ALLEN: Then, doesn't that make a name?

BOOKMAN: ... No.

*scene changes*

BOOKMAN: Well, your eye was fucking obliterated, but it's healing. You don't need more jabs, lol.

ALLEN: Fuck you old man, I got this scar by killing an old fart like you, do you want to die too?

BOOKMAN: As if. Stay in bed and rest, you're leaving when Lenalee wakes up, even if you're still half-dead.

ALLEN: Crud.

*leaves the room*

LAVI: How did it go?

ALLEN: I'll heal, but he said I need rest.

LAVI: Great, then let's go outside!

ALLEN: Did you hear what I said?

*outside*

LAVI: Looks like there's some party, wanna get wasted?

ALLEN: I'm a minor. But then again I am god. Bring it on.

LAVI: Lol what are you? 12?

ALLEN: 15

LAVI: HAH, still a brat, I'm 18. People call me Junior but you can call me Lavi.

ALLEN: Why are you introducing yourself again?

LAVI: I don't have the faintest idea, Beansprout.

ALLEN: That fucking name again.

LAVI: That's what Yuu calls you?

ALLEN: ? That's what I call myself? Are you deaf, I'm not a beansprout, I'm god.

LAVI: No, not you but Yuu

ALLEN: You make my head spin.

LAVI: Yuu makes your head spin? You in love bro?

ALLEN: Dafuq?

LAVI: Kanda. His Christian name is Yuu.

ALLEN: Ok, that's it I'm fucking done with you, bye. *leaves*

LAVI: WAIT! THE NOAH ARE OUT THERE BRO!

ALLEN: *grips his hand* Damn it I want to kill ya'll so fucking much.

LAVI: Err, how about you kill the Noah and spare me.

ALLEN: YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE? I'M THE MALE LEAD! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD PROTAGONISTS HAVE IT BY NOT BEING ABLE TO KILL THE PEOPLE THEY DESPISE?! I'D GET NO MONEY. SERIOUSLY GROW A BRAIN. *leaves*

LAVI: What the actual fuck?

ALLEN: *in the crowd* It's time to gather followers. *glances around nervously* People actually crowd around me. I never got this far. Fuck, what do I do now?

AKUMA: Want some flowers? *morphs into gun* Exorcist.

ALLEN: JFC HOW CAN ONE BE SO UGLY! WHO FUCKED YOUR MOM? NO, WHAT FUCKED YOUR MOM?!

AKUMA: FUUUU- *gets destroyed*

LAVI: Heya, kiddo.

ALLEN: I'm your god idiot.

*incoming missile*

LAVI: Grow.

HAMMER: *swells huge*

LAVI: IMMA GONNA HAMMER YA BITCH

AKUMA: *is fucking obliterated*

LAVI: Seriously, these guys just have no self-control in public.

ALLEN: *looks into the camera office style*

LAVI: Let's get out, we can't fight here in the middle of the street. Here grab onto my hammer.

ALLEN: *grabs his crotch*

LAVI: Not that hammer. But I like the way you think. Come, let's be gay somewhere else *flies them away*

*scene changes*

LENALEE: *is still braindead*

BOOKMAN: And that's all I know of the Noah Clan.

ME: What? What is to be known of the Noah Clan?

HOSHINO: I wonder.

*back to Allen and Lavi who aren't at the railway station but the forest don't ask idk why*

LAVI: U K?

ALLEN: My ass hurts. Gotta endure. For the paycheck. Even if this screams gay.

LAVI: LaviXAllen? Mmmm... Laven?

ALLEN: Oh, dear god.

LAVI: What's with you BTW? You can't just wait for Akuma to come and bite you in the ass.

ALLEN: Well, it's not like I can kill everyone, I need worshippers and I'm the protagonist.

LAVI: Yeah, but if ya die ya ain't becoming a god. So just view them as enemies. Everyone who comes near why we wear this coat is suspicious.

*flashback, Cross and Tiny!Allen walking down the street, where strangely enough only women are present*

TINY!ALLEN: *moe eyes on 1000%* Why the fuck are you wearing black coat in the middle of summer? You look fucking ridiculous.

CROSS: STFU Kid.

*gets surrounded by Akuma*

TINY!ALLEN: WHAT WAS I SAYING? I TOLD YOU YOUR FUCKING COAT WILL CAUSE TROUBLE, LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! I TOLD YOU NOT TO WEAR IT BUT NOOOOO YOU DUMBASS KNOW IT BETTER! NOW ALL THESE FUCKERS ARE ON MY ARSE TOO BECAUSE OF YOU!

CROSS: *just stands like a fucking iceberg* Good.

*destroys them*

ALLEN: Why the fuck are you still alive?

CROSS: Coz I'm badass. Everyone who comes near while I have this coat are going to have their asses handled to them.

*in the present again*

ALLEN: *looks ready to vomit* That drunk bastard was actually saying something intellectual. I still can't believe it.

LAVI: U 'K?

ALLEN: No.

LAVI: Good, it builds character. Just imagine that everyone tries to kill you, it's fun.

*bunch of people appear*

POLICE: FREEZE YOU'RE UNDER ARREST. *points Allen at again*

ALLEN: Why am I a damsel in distress again?

HOSHINO: FOR THE GLORY OF LAVEN OF COURSE.

LAVI: *pushes hammer in his face* FCUK THE POLICE!

POLICEMAN: FUUUUU-! *transforms into an Akuma*

LAVI: *destroys it* LOL

OTHER TWO POLICEMEN AKUMA: *transforms and starts shooting*

LAVI: There's shit ton of them!

ALLEN: There's literally two.

EVEN MORE AKUMA: *appear*

ALLEN: Ok, I get it, the others have it sooo bad for not knowing who their enemy is. That's a perfect reason they should accept me as their lord and saviour. But I need a fucking break first. *destroys the rest*

LAVI: Whoa, he actually doesn't suck at all.

AKUMA: *uses a little girl as a hostage*

LITLLE GIRL: *cries*

ALLEN: Umm... you might want to use her a human shield you know. I could totally shot you in the head right now. *shoots him in the head* Whoops, my hand slipped.

LITTLE GIRL: *runs to him* THANK YOU.

ALLEN: Such a shame. You could have made a nice follower if you were human. *destroys little girl/Akuma in disguise*

*a bonfire appear from nowhere*

LAVI: That was metal dude.

ALLEN: Enough to accept me as your lord and saviour?

LAVI: HAHA, no.

ALLEN: Ah, too tired to care. *bandaid falls off and Allen's eye is healed*

ME: ? ANIME-KUN WTF

ANIME-KUN: It's for the upcoming fillers.

ME: *horrendous screech*

END OF 13TH NIGHT


	14. 14th Night

For those who do not know yet, the next trailer will be on the 26th of March, 5PM in Japan's time. The release date of the anime will probably be revealed, I'm not sure about that, on the other hand a new trailer was comfirmed. The updates will be tied to the date, I want to finish this before the anime start.

As always, thank you **ef07** and **Kittenanimegirl13** for reviewing and everyone else for following, favouriting the story.

14th Night - Don't overdose on mushrooms or drugs in general

*blizzard*

YOUNG GIRL IN SHORTS IN A FUCKING BLIZZARD, GREAT TO KNOW THAT OCS ARE SO BRIGHT IN BRAIN DEPARTMENT: Oh, look, 40 million tons of white ass bullshit.

OLD MAN: Oh.

YOUNG GIRL: What I mean to say that going outside is pretty much suicide

OLD MAN: That's nice.

YOUNG GIRL: *sigh* I'm going with you. You'll only get yourself killed.

*outside*

RIPPED GUY FROM THE NOAH'S DINNER: *eats ice cream in the snow*

ME: ?

RIPPED GUY FROM THE NOAH'S DINNER: If only all this snow was ice cream.

ME: Whoa, a character I can actually relate to.

*at the Order*

ALLEN: *says endless list of food he wants to eat*

ALLEN: *actually eats all of it*

LAVI: What the fuck? Where did all that food go?

BOOKMAN: A mystery the Bookman has yet to conquer.

FINDER: Allen Walker

ALLEN: Oh, are you ready to accept me as your lord and saviour?

FINDER: Nah, the supervisor calls you.

*in Komui's office*

ALLEN: Are you in need of my divine guidance? *notices Kanda* Oh, joys.

KOMUI: You have a mission. In a village there are extreme weather conditions, go investigate it.

ALLEN: Dafuq? Isn't that what Finders are for? Besides we're Exorcists, not meteorologists.

KOMUI: Like I care. GTFO.

*at the Underground Waterpassage*

LAVI: I'm coming with you~!

KANDA: *unimpressed* Great, can this get any better?

LAVI: Now don't be like that, we're friends aren't we?

KANDA: A great reason why I should kill you.

ALLEN: Don't kill each other while I'm here, I don't want to put up with Komui's bullshit. *starts rowing*

BOOKMAN: Lavi, we should observe the boy who was predicted to be the Destroyer of Time.

ALLEN: You do know that I can hear every word you say, right?

LAVI: OH, WE'RE PLAYING THE STALKERS!

ALLEN: *whipsers* Not worth it, killing them is not worth it, just think about the bitchfit Komui and that woman would throw.

*on the train*

LAVI: *keeps talking*

ALLEN: I want to kill him so much. Well, at least I can dream about it. *falls asleep*

LAVI: Rude.

*to Kanda*

KANDA: *is sleeping but jolts awake*

LAVI: *is still braiding Kanda's hair* Good Morning, sunshine!

KANDA: *uses Mugen - it's super effective*

*outside in the blizzard*

FINDER: Thanks to the success of the previous episodes the budget could afford a new finder, me. Call me Michael.

ALLEN: Sup.

KANDA: *turns to leave*

ALLEN: NO, HOW DARE YOU THINK ABOUT LEAVING WITHOUT MY DIVINE PROTECTION!

KANDA: I don't give a fuck, go make a snowman with that creep.

ME: *le gasp!* I completely forgot about that cute scene! *gross sobbing*

ANIME: This show is already gay enough without that.

*march in the snow*

LAVI: *stumbles on nothing*

ME: Are you going to make a system out of that, Anime-kun?

ANIME: It's for the dramatic effect.

ME: ?

KANDA: *notices people in the snow*

ALLEN: *pokes old man* You still alive? You in need of my divine guidance?

YOUNG GIRL: Is my father still alive?

ALLEN: Somehow.

YOUNG GIRL: There's a cabin nearby, let's go there.

KANDA: I'm leaving, there's no way I put up with you idjots, bye.

ALLEN: WAIT!

LAVI: Chillpill dude, we can follow him once we take these two to safety.

MICHAEL: I'm going with Mr. Kanda, then.

ME: Wait, if Innocence is involved, wouldn't be better if the Finder stayed with them?

ANIME: Probably, but I bought the rights, I do what I want.

*at the huge ass cabin*

LITTLE GIRL: Thank you.

ALLEN: You're most welcome my dear follower, once you're ready for my guidance come, meet me downstairs.

*at the fireplace*

LAVI: Should't we go after Kanda?

ALLEN: Not when I finally found worshippers. Besides, they are the OCs the anime made, we can't leave them behind without knowing their tragic backstory.

INNKEEPER: They were searching for the Leaf of Revival.

ALLEN: Now that came surprisingly easy.

BOOKMAN: They're here for the ability of the leaves.

ALLEN: Leaves?

BOOKMAN: TBH it's weed, but everyone refers to them as leaves.

ALLEN: Ah, so they're druggies.

BOOKMAN: Yup.

*weather cleans up*

ALLEN: What a nice weather!

*hot wind blows*

ALLEN: Nevermind. Let's go after it, if it's really Innocence then that must be the source.

LAVI: Dude, you're actually kinda smart.

ALLEN: Amazing enough to become my worshipper?

LAVI: Keep trying.

YOUNG GIRL: Sorry for inconveniencing you the other day.

ALLEN: Why are you up and about, if you die who's going to worship me?

OLD MAN: I don't give a fuck, you're not getting the leaves-

ALLEN: Weed.

OLD MAN: -the Leaves of Revival. Let's go Elda.

ME: Oh my god. Anime-kun actually foretold Frozen before its release. *X-files noises in the background*

*Elda and her father ski away*

ALLEN: NO, YOU CAN'T, NOT WITHOUT MY DIVINE GUIDANCE! *falls off ski*

ME: Ummm, sorry but a guy who can balance on top of a ball is unable to ski normally? What are you on again, Anime-kun?

ANIME: *makes the ski slide over Allen's crumpled form for good measure, as if this wasn't humiliating enough*

LAVI: Ummm, you okay?

ALLEN: The things I do for money.

ELDA: You alright?

ALLEN: Yes, my dear wirshipper, are you ready for my first preaching? Ok, wanting the dead back is a big no-no, people will use it against you to make you into the meatsuit of weapons o genocide that we have to hunt down as Exorcists, so if you don't want me to cut you in half then turn back, bye. *skis away*

OLD MAN: We're following them.

*at the Noah*

ROAD: Skinn went for the Innocence?

GEL GUY: Who cares, I'm trying to read, piss off.

*back to the Noah named Skinn*

SKINN: WHY HAVEN'T YOU FOUND IT YET, GO FETCH!

BUNCH: *leaves*

*back to Allen and Lavi*

*cold picks up again*

LAVI: *notices Elda and her father follow them* Let's stop, we'll have to go back.

*in a ditch*

ELDA: Go to sleep. *covers his dad up*

LAVI: *to Allen, suggestively* We'll have to cuddle for warmth.

ALLEN: Wot m8? Don't you think we're gay enough as it is?

*later*

ELDA: *wakes up to find Allen and Lavi staring at the sunrise*

ALLEN: #NoHomo

ELDA: Sorry about my dad, he can be an ass sometimes.

ALLEN: I can feel the character drama approaching.

ELDA: I don't believe in this weed ass bullshit, just doin' it for my dad, who wants to bring back my brother because he died in a fire he couldn't escape from because of his weak legs. Dad wanted to rush inside, but I kept him from doing so. So now I'm his bitch.

ALLEN: That sounds so wrong.

OLD MAN: We're leaving Elda, all I need is the PTA on my ass.

ELDA: Yes.

*the happy bunch*

WOMAN: Look, Exorcists.

ALLEN: *notices them* Oh, look at those not-at-all suspicious people in the woods! Maybe they were searching for the Weed too, but settled for the magic mushrooms?

WOMAN: We got lost, can we go with you?

ALLEN: *stares with the most herp derp expression so far* Dis mushroom tho. *eye activates* Oh, they're Akuma.

WOMAN: Well shit. *her head swells to 15x*

ALLEN: Shiiiit, this mushroom is something!

LAVI: *is surprised*

ME: Why is he surprised? Allen confirmed they're Akuma.

ANIME: For the drama, duh.

AKUMA: *starts attacking*

ALLEN: *gets hit with snow (?what happened to the lethal poison?) because the mushrooms made him forget that he can kick these guy's asses and gets shot* Wasted.

LAVI: IMMA GONNA SAVE YA DUDE! *hits snow at Akuma*

FEMALE AKUMA: Shit, the Snowball Fight of the century is about to go down kiddies.

AKUMA: *attacks Allen*

LAVI: *saves him with Extend*

ALLEN: *finally gets enough of a grasp on reality to fight back* *has a perfect hit but the little bitch just won't die*

FEMALE AKUMA: *Obama style* Not bad.*starts lactating snow*

ALLEN: *gets buried in* Go! I can't unlock my godly powers in mortal's presence!

KANDA: _Can we pretend that_ _badasses_ _in the night sky are like shooting stars?*_ attacks Akuma and chases them away _*_

LAVI: NO, WITH ALL THE SNOW COVERNG HIM, HOW WILL THE BEANSPROUT BLOOM?!

ALLEN: K, I'm out to Mushroomland, peace. *faints*

END OF 14TH NIGHT


	15. 15th Night

Thank you **Kitteranimegirl13** and **ef07** for reviewing, also for the people who follow. favourite or simply read this story.

15th Night - And we already havee shitton of spoilers by Anime-kun, thanks Obama but at least we get a lot of gay ship material so meh

LENALEE: *wakes up from braindead state*

KOMUI: MY LENALEE SENSES ARE TINGLING! *appears beside her*

LENALEE: JFC, cut me a break, I just woke up. KOMUI: I didn't even say a single thing.

LENALEE: Yet. It's a perfect time to have an angsty flashback.

*angsty flashback*

LENALEE: Where's that guy?

KOMUI: Gone. *is secretly plotting his demise*

*to Allen and the team*

ALLEN: *wakes up*

LAVI: Hullo~

ALLEN: *pushes himself off* Dude, you just brought this show to a new level of gayness.

LAVI: LOL, This show can never get gay enough. Here, take my hand.

ALLEN: *sigh*

KANDA: *is absolutely not jealous*

*in the cabin*

ELDA: This guy is on fucking fire.

ALLEN: Great, I'm a flaming homo.

KANDA: How pathetic you can't even defeat an Akuma?

ALLEN: Um, there were three.

KANDA: Shut up, don't correct me when I absolutely do not care about you at all.

ALLEN: And where's Michael?

KANDA: *is totally not angry that the beansprout doesn't give him all the attention*I left him behind.

ALLEN: WTF KANDA, HE COULD HAVE MADE A GREAT WORSHIPPER!

*Michael appears*

MICHAEL: Yo.

ALLEN: MY DEAR WORSHIPPER, YOU'RE ALIVE!

KANDA: What about the Akuma?

MICHAEL: Haven't seen none.

KANDA: I don't care, I'll find them and kill them.

ALLEN: Then I'm going too, to display my power in front of my believers!

LAVI: LMAO, you stay here with them while Yuu and I go to be gay somewhere else. Bye.

*out in the storm*

LAVI: What a nice trip~

KANDA: STFU

LAVI: Wow, Kanda, this snow storm is more welcoming than you.

*Akuma spot them*

AKUMA: We will follow them until they that mythical magic weed thing and steal it.

*back in the cabin*

ALLEN: There ain't no magic weed, just Innocence, and that's ours to take.

OLD MAN: STFU, I'm going.

ELDA: I'm coming too, you'd only kill yourself.

ELDA: *wakes up from sleep* SHIT. The old fart is gone.

ALLEN: I'm going after him, you stay and write a hymn for my return.

ELDE: No, I'm going with you.

ALLEN: Your love for me is touching. Come.

TIMCANPY: I EXIST.

*to Lavi and Kanda*

KANDA: I can't get closer.

LAVI: Leave it to me. WOODEN SEAL. OUTTA THE WAY CLOUD BITCHES.

*weather clears up - yet another spoiler*

KANDA: Ok, that might have been badass.

*gets inside and lo! Behold! The Old Man is following them*

*Lavi and Kanda in the cave*

LAVI: Dude, u feel this? The weed is nearby!

*lays eyes on a tree*

LAVI: Dude! This is a giant mushroom weed-tree!

KANDA: Must. Touch.

MAGIC MUSHROOM WEED TREE: *blows him the fuck away*

LAVI: OMG YOU OKAY? YOU SWALLOWED SOME SMOKE? QUICKLY BLOW IT IN MY MOUTH I WANNA FEEL IT TOO!

OLD MAN: I knew it existed!

LAVI: Dude, didn't you see how it blew this guy the fuck away?!

KANDA: Must you hold me so gay?

LAVI: You still haven't CPR-d that shit into me.

OLD MAN: *runs at the tree*

MAGIC MUSHROOM WEED TREE: Nope. *blows him away like 100 times*

KANDA: No weed-mushrooms will kick MY ass! *feels up sword and cuts it out*

MAGIC MUSHROOM WEED TREE: *withers*

OLD MAN: NO, THE LEAVES! GIMME!

KANDA: No.

*outside*

LAVI: Ah, so peaceful!

*Akuma appear*

LAVI: Nevermind.

*Lavi and Kanda kick ass*

FEMALE AKUMA: Fucking useless bunch. *absorbs her comrades*

OLD MAN: *sneaks up on Kanda* Give me the Leaves!

KANDA: U FUCKING BLIND?! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE UNDER ATTACK? THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO BE GAY!

FEMALE AKUMA: *freezes them*

KANDA&LAVI: SHIT

ALLEN: IT'S TIME FOR MY DRAMATIC ENTRANCE TO SAVE MY BELIEVERS! *shoots at Female Akuma*

KANDA: SHOOT AT MY FEET!

ALLEN: Sure. Also, it would be... a shame... if I hit your head, right?

KANDA: *doesn't get hit*

ALLEN: What a pity.

LAVI: Hey babe, gimme a shootjob too!

ALLEN: *frees him*

LAVI: NOW WITH THE POWER OF THE GLORIOUS HOMO SHIPS LET'S END THIS!

KANDA: Great, as if this show hasn't been gay enough.

*and they really defeat her*

OLD MAN: Really, pls gimme.

KANDA: No.

ELDA: Told you.

ALLEN: Ok, you dick, as your god I order you to look after your daughter, your son is already dead, dipshit.

OLD MAN: ELDA ;_;

KANDA: Ok, I'm too cool for this emotional bullshit, I'm going home, bye.

OLD MAN: We're going home too.

ALLEN: Don't forget to convert your home into a chapel for me, k?

*away from there*

SKINN: Fuck those guys, I'll kill them myself. *is about to enter SSJ*

ROAD: Nope, enough spoiler for today, come home.

*at the railway station*

ALLEN: Oh, by the way, be careful if a guy named Millennium Earl comes. He can call back people's soul and make them into Akuma.

ELDA: Are you saying that bringing back the dead is possible?!

OLD MAN: Chillpill, it's gonna be alright.

ELDA: ...You smoked the leaved didn't you.

ALLEN: K, now that it's all settled we're off, bye.

END OF 15TH NIGHT


	16. 16th Night

I have no idea when the anime comes out, so I'm trying to rotate this as frequently as possible. Thank you **ef07** and **Kittenanimegirl13** for reviewing, you guys always make my day, and also thanks for everyone else who sticks to this story. Review pls.

16th Night - Mission "let's rescue Kanda" is a pain in the ass

NARRATOR: A long time ago a Roman Princess didn't want to die so she sent her suitors to fight to death with a pumped-up guy called Vittorio, but Karma came to bite her back in the arse and died of illness. To this day fights occur.

ME: Okay, totally not a rip-off of Lala's story but whatever.

KANDA: *appears in the coliseum to fight a ginger guy who's probably Vittorio*

GINGER GLADIATOR: I'm gonna fight ya in the name of Sandra Princess.

*fight*

*back at the Order*

ALLEN: Kanda's missing?

KOMUI: Yep. Somewhere near Rome a week ago.

ALLEN: I don't see the problem here.

KOMUI: Quit bitching and go after him.

*underground*

LENALEE: Move your arse.

ALLEN: You again? Seriously are the four of us the only Exorcists?!

LENALEE: *passive aggressively ignores him*

ALLEN: Great. Why are you even here, I doubt the sis-con would send you aftersomeone like me.

LENALEE: *ignoring intensifies*

ALLEN: Heck, he'd be even relieved if both of us disappeared. Maybe that's his plan all long? *x-file noises*

*at the railway station*

ALLEN: Ok, cough it up, what do you want.

LENALEE: *still in ignoreland*

ALLEN: Fine, I'm sorry, you happy? *leans forward* Fuck, the thought of having to be nice you makes me want to vomit.

*crowd looks over*

LENALEE: *puts groceries on his head* You're not gonna ruin my fav pair of shoes.

ALLEN: Those are your only shoes.

LENALEE: Shut up. You're so selfish, fighting on your own, sacrificing yourself.

ALLEN: Yeah, I want to become a god you know.

LENALEE: Why are we even friends?

ALLEN: A very good question indeed.

LENALEE: WHY DON'T YOU FIGHT WITH ME?!

ALLEN: YASSS, LET'S FIGHT TO THE DEATH SO I CAN RISE AS A GOD.

LENALEE: I hate your left eye. *collapses*

ALLEN: Yea, well, thanks, but you know it ain't a walk in the park for me either.

LENALEE: Would you actually follow the damned script for once?

ALLEN: It's nuked yo. Why did we have such a hard time with those Level 2s, when with Lavi I could destroy Level 2s just fine.

LENALEE: Because this is a shounen manga, progressive development is crucial.

ALLEN: Does that mean I'll be god in the end?

LENALEE: I'm so fucking done with you. *runs away*

*on the train*

ALLEN: So this time it's a thousand year old gladiator, probably kept alive by an Innocence-endowed sword.

LENALEE: Absolutely not a rip-off.

*back to Kanda who just destroyed a bunch of Level ones and now proceeds inside*

*and then back to Allen and Lenalee*

ALLEN: Who the fuck are these people?

LENALEE: How do you expect me to know?

RANDOM PERSON: They're bounty hunters to recover some rich-ass guy's daughter who got kidnapped by some dude name Vittorio. But now that you know that I've got to kill you.

ALLEN: LOL, BITCH PLS.

GUY ON HORSE: Every bounty man with me!

*at the rich-ass family, which's name I didn't even bother to remember*

LENALEE: We ain't here to eat.

ALLEN: You do whatever diet you're on, on my part I'm gonna inhale all this.

SOME PARTY GUY: Ok, bring that woman back home and ya'll get the money.

*inside the manor*

SARDINIA: Claudia, what a pain in the ass you are.

ALLEN: DID YOU CALL FOR A SAVIOR?!

LENALEE: We're here from the Black Order.

SARDINIA: I know that place! That idiot girl was taken by a guy she started dreaming about a month ago.

PANNINI: I wanna marry that girl for whatever reason so these merchant peasants can have a royal title. And who are those brats?

SARDINIA: They're from the Black Order.

PANNINI: Good, they can do it for free!

ALLEN: Yea, as if I'd need assholes who value their money and property more than their family, right, just so you know she prob ran away coz you guys suck. I'm out bye.

*in the hotel*

LENALEE: We'll continue in the morning.

ALLEN: Night.

LENALEE: Do you think she really ran away?

ALLEN: I ALREADY CALLED NIGHT.

*next morning the hunters are there and le gasp! Akuma are coming and kill them, Allen and Lenalee start to fight them*

HALF DEAD OLD MAN ON THE GROUND: Forget him and save me!

LENALEE: BITCH, GET YOUR GODDAMN HAND OF MY BOOTS YOUR FUCKING FINGERPRINTS WILL REMIAN THERE

*outside the bounty gets doubled*

PAIZZI: Imma gonna leave the poverty bitch.

*inside still fight but lo behold Vittorio appears*

GINGER GLADIATOR: Come at me bitches

*incoming bullets*

GINGER GLADIATOR: That tickles *fucking obliterates them*

KANDA: Hi.

ALLEN: DAFUQ, Dude, where the fuck have you been?

KANDA: To kick this guy's ass. Don't interfere.

FINDER: LENALEEEEE!

LENALEE: Pedro, what the fuck is going on?

PEDRO: That sword is Innocence. It allowed him to live for a thousand year. These two morons have been fighting three days ago but got interrupted and now they're having their showdown.

ALLEN: He told me not to fight, because I can't do it without Innocence? ...He... actually cares? *Yullen moment*

KANDA: *cuts the ginger gladiator* BLOODRAIN! I WON!

GINGER GLADIATOR: HAHA, NOPE *slashes Kanda*

KANDA: U fucking cheater.

END OF 16TH NIGHT

Review Please.


	17. 17th Night

As I mentioned on the 26th there's gonna be a new trailer where they most likely announce the airing date. I don't know when it comes out, but I'm doing my best to update faster, since I want to finish this before the new one starts.

As always, thank you **ef07** and **Kittenanimegirl13** for reviewing, I'm glad I can cheer you guys up, also thanks for everyone who followed, favourites this fic.

17th Night - Even though they tried no homo this turned out to be very homo

*we get another mash-up from the previous episode, that yet again takes away 5 minutes*

KANDA: *spills his guts - literally*

ALLEN: NO THE YULLEN MOMENTS MUSN'T DIE! *rushes to Kanda's rescue*

GINGER GLADIATOR: Imma gonna kill ya.

ALLEN: *screams to enhance damage by 40% but gives away his position *

GINGER GLADIATOR: *blows him away*

LENALEE: Kanda! *listens to his heartbeat* Well, shit, he's still alive.

ALLEN: *fights Vittorio*

*while in the background people are talking*

LENALEE: Y does the ginger kick his ass?

KANDA: He's not a host.

PEDRO: He cannot control it, he just wants to destroy.

KANDA: I really don't care about that guy, but he can't beat Vittorio.

ME: Oh, how nice of you Kanda to remember his name but keep calling Allen a beansprout.

LENALEE: You can't move with that wound, you'll die so I'm leaving you here to make sure and heap the Victory.

ALLEN: *for some reason his eye is still activated, even though there's no Akuma nearby* OMG HE DOESN'T WEAR FUCKING UNDERWEAR I'M GONNA GET BLINDED! *collapses*

LENALEE: IT'S TIME FOR MY MAJOU SHOJOU TRANSFORMATION! IMMA GONNA KICK YA ASS!

GINGER GLADIATOR: *blows her away too* I won't fight a woman.

LENALEE: Lol, K then, bye, I'm out. *faints*

GINGER GLADIATOR: *moves to finish Allen*

SANDRA: STOP!

ALLEN: BITCH WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME?!

SANDRA: I ain't going home, bye.

ALLEN: WAIT-!

GINGER GLADIATOR: *raises up his "sword"* NOPE.

ALLEN: OMFG FINE, JUST PUT THAT THING AWAY!

GINGER GLADIATOR: *leaves*

*night settles*

KANDA: *is once again bandaged so the seal won't be seen - fanservice btw*

ALLEN: *shows his share of fanservice too*

PEDRO: So while Kanda was being Sleeping Beauty I did some snooping. This old woman knows something.

OLD WOMAN: *turns out to be the narrator to have told Vittorio's story*

PEDRO: The Sardinia can stands atop where the castle used to be.

LENALEE: So he probably mixes up the two women.

ALLEN: So that's why he broke into her home to "report". And since there's Innocence in his sword the Akuma will keep appearing.

*to Claudia and Vittorio*

*wild chicken appears!*

GINGER GLADIATOR: I'm coming for that booty! *goes after it*

CLAUDIA: *dreams about her dad and somehow he doesn't seem to be that much of an asshole, but not an animation just pics coz that's cheaper* *jolts awake*

GINGER GLADIATOR: *cooks the chicken and eats it*

*back to Allen and team*

ALLEN: YOU CAN'T IF YOU DIE WHO WILL WORSHIP ME?!

KANDA: *tries to charm his way out by stripping*

ALLEN: You gonna need to be a lot gayer than that.

KANDA: I have to go, I'm the only one who can defeat him, you guys suck.

PEDRO: *bursts in* AKUMA ARE WHERE VITTORIO IS!

KANDA: *moves to go*

LENALEE: Get back to bed, you're just gonna have your arse kicked.

KANDA: You're the one to talk. We have to get there and get the Innocence before they do.

ALLEN: We can do it! Believe in me!

KANDA: No.

ALLEN: Believe in Lenalee!

KANDA: HA, no.

ALLEN: Believe in Vittorio!

KANDA: *actually stops to consider it*

ALLEN: You're a special kind of asshole. We're off to save that Claudia, you stay here and think.

KANDA: THINK? What makes you think I can think?

ALLEN: *bangs him to the wall* Yes that bang in the tag was necessary. Now quit bitching and _think_.

KANDA: GET BACK HERE YOU-

ALLEN: LOL NOPE BYE *leaves with Lenalee*

*in the arena Vittorio fights*

KANDA: *is trying his best to think*

PEDRO: OMFG, He's actually doing it. He's obeying. He's _thinking_.

KANDA: *looks as if he got to fart really bad but wants to keep it in*

*back to the arena*

ALLEN: LOL, K, you've hogged away the screentime for enough time, it's my time to shine, that Sandra died a good thousand years ago.

GINGER GLADIATOR: NOPE *starts fighting with him*

LENALEE: *runs to Sandra on her feet even though she could use her Innocence to fly, but I guess this is more dramatic idk* Ok tell that guy to stop or he'll fight forever is that what you want?

SANDRA: *not a single fuck is given* It's ok, he is my saviour.

ALLEN: SAVIOUR YOU SAY? HE'S COMPETITION. HE. MUST. DIE.

GINGER GLADIATOR: *throws him to the ground, ready to strike*

KANDA: I TOTALLY DIDN'T COME BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED OKAY?

LENALEE: THERE IS TOO MUCH GAYNESS HERE, WE NEED TO COUNTER IT... WITH LESBIANISM.

KANDA: *attacks Vittorio*

GINGER GLADIATOR: HAHA, NO. *sinks it in his shoulder*

KANDA: Just as planned. *cuts his arm off*

GINGER GLADIATOR: *howls in pain as blood sprays out of him like a fountain*

KANDA: *is grinning like a demon coz he sliced his arm off along with his "sword"*

SANDRA: VITTORIO! NO WHO WILL BE MY BITCH!

*Vittorio has a flashback about how he came across the sword and dayum he's actually a good character*

SANDRA: *at the aged Vittorio's side, apparently she refused going lesbian* You don't have to fight, just don't leave me!

*meanwhile there's a very Yullen moment in the background*

GINGER NO MORE GLADIATOR: Do whatever the fuck you want, be a badass bitch. *dies*

*in the end Claudia got her shit together and left to live on her own*

END OF 17TH NIGHT


	18. 18th Night

Thank you for **ef07** and **Kittenanimegrl13** for always reviewing, you guys are precious and I'm glad I can entertain you. Also, thanks for everyone else who followed/favourited, enjoy.

18th Night - After an actually decent filler and Sandra's rejection to Lenalee's moves we get to see some horrible romatic comedy copy, where we get to explore Lenalee's romantic interest and sexuality, that's neither romatntic nor funny.

ME: I apologize for the negative atmosphere, but I _despise_ romantic comedies.

*at the Order*

KOMUI: SALALALALALALALALALALALALALAL*spots Lenalee with some dude* Lenalee~!

LENALEE: What do you want?

KOMUI: Can I join too?

OLD DUDE: No. *leaves*

LENALEE: Bye, Russel.

KOMUI: What was this about? What were you talking about?

LENALEE: I forgot. *leaves*

KOMUI: Dafuq?

*at the Science Department*

ALLEN: You look, troubled. Are you in need of my divine guidance?

REEVER: *wants to reply but hears Komui*

KOMUI: Y U LEAVIN?!

LENALEE: Because I'm tired of your bullshit.

*supersparkle around her and we're already entering the domain of shojou*

ALLEN: LOOK! ISTEAD OF THIGH HIGH SOCKS... SHE'S WEARING KNEE-HIGH SOCKS! THERE'S LIKE AN ADDITIONAL 10 SQUARE CENTIMETRES REVEALED OF HER! Everything else is the same tho. OH WAIT SHE HAS A NECK TIE! DID YOU STEAL THAT FROM ME?

LAVI: U starin~

ALLEN: SHE STOLE MY FUCKING TIE!

LAVI: Where ya going, Lenalee?

LENALEE: Away from ya'll to the city, bye. *shakes Komui off and leaves*

ALLEN: FINALLY! Wait where's Captain Obvious? I mean, what was his name again? Oh, yeah, Russel.

REEVER: He has a day off so he goes to town or something.

KOMUI: *le gasp! He connects the non-existent dots, seriously pal, wipe yo glasses once in a while* NOOOOO LENALEE! *runs away*

EVERYONE: What. The fuck.

*later*

REEVER: Where is that idiot?

JOHNNY: ALARM! KOMURIN TWO IS GONE FROM THE BASEMENT!

REEVER: WHY WAS IT IN THE BASEMENT IN THE FIRST PLACE, WHY DIDN'T YOU IDIOTS DISPOSE OF IT DO YOU WANT ANOTHER CATASTROPHE GO DOWN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

*Underground*

KOMUI: THAT FUCKING GUY IS AFTER MY SISTER I MUST SAVE HER!

ME: Was it necessary to make her go with a grown ass adult? Komui's reaction is a bit overdone but still legit.

KOMUI: *THIS IS WHAT HE LITERALLY SAYS IN DEADFISH TRANSLATION* I DON'T REMEMBER RAISING SUCH A BRAZEN HARLOT!

ME: *stunned*Whoa, he really lost it.

*apparently the scene changes to Paris*

RANDOM AKUMA HIDING BEHIND BARRELS: WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE EXORCISTS?!

RANDOM WOMAN: *bursts her window open* STFU *FUCKING PNCHES THE DAMN THING AND INTO OBLIVION*

RANDOM AKUMA: *crashes to the wall*

FLOWER POT: *crashes on his head - I think it's a guy?*

STRAY DOG: *bites him in the ass*

ME: THE HELL? BULLETS ARE TOTALLY UNEFFECTIVE BUT THE DOG'S TEETH AREN'T? WHAT ARE THEY MADE OF?

AKUMA: *busts his head in a roof and falls off*

KIDS: *run over him*

STRAY DOG: *pisses on him to show dominance*

ME: Seriously this guy is like a guy from an infocommercial. ... I actually feel quite bad for him.

AKUMA: Y CAN'T I KILL PPL? WAIT I KNOW *transforms into shojou bishie with sparkles and all* Every Akuma can do this btw, but I'm special since I'm the one having actual lines. And I have a photo of an Exorcist!

ME: What? Where did he get it?

ANIME: *shrugs*

AKUMA: *looks at pic, Lenalee is in it* ... *starts to fondle her pic nipples*

*wild Lenalee appears with another round of sparkles*

AKUMA: Great, I can kill her! *pulls a grenade out of nowhere*

*wild Komurin appears from underneath him*

AKUMA: *gets hauled away*

GRENADE: *goes off*

KOMURIN: *is not suspicious at all as it stalks*

*everyone but those two morons notice*

KOMUI: Found you~ NOW FINISH HIM!

KOMURIN: *sneaks as much discretion as a giant robot can*

LENALEE AND RUSSEL: *still obvious*

SCIENCE SQUAD WITH ALLEN AND LAVI: *pushes Komurin into an alley quite loudly*

LENALEE AND RUSSEL: *turns around to see the building*

RUSSEL: Do we know something?

LENALEE: No.

RUSSEL: K then.

*they leave*

ALLEN: GET YO SHIT TOGETHER! YOU'LL KILL MY POTENTIAL WORSHIPPERS.

KOMUI: I DON'T CARE.

ALLEN: YOU DON'T HURT _MY_ FOLLOWERS *slays Komurin*

KOMUI: NUUUUU *gets a shotgun out of nowhere and blasts it at Allen*

ALLEN: Why the fuck did you shoot a giant plush octopus on my head?

KOMUI: It will slowly suck out your motivation and make your believers turn away from you.

ALLEN: FUUU-

REEVER: Calm the fuck down, we don't even know if they're dating. Don't get your panties in a twist.

KOMUI: Fine. But if they're together I'll kill him.

LENALEE AND RUSSEL: *enter the shop*

KOMUI: THEY'RE DATING!

REEVER: CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

ALLEN: WTF IS THIS SHIT AND WHY WON'T IT GET OFF? Oh, by the way this is the genius reason why I not spot that Akuma in order to not spoil this "funny" episode.

LENALEE: Yo, where are the neckties.

SHOP ASSISTANT/AKUMA: Right behind you.

LENALEE: They're all so fucking ugly.

AKUMA: *rape face as he starts laughing out loud*

LENALEE AND RUSSEL: The hell?

AKUMA: *nervously* AHAHA DON'T MIND ME.

LENALEE: Oh, yeah sure, you're not suspicious at all!

*outside*

KOMUI: NOOOO *flips table - don't ask me how it got there and pulls a giant bomb out of nowhere* I'LL DESTROY EVERYTHING!

LAVI: NOPE *cuts away the fuse just in time*

KOMUI: *lights octopus bomb* TOO SLOW *throws it*

*in the shop*

AKUMA: *takes out knife from* NOW

DOG FROM BEFORE: *comes in and startles him*

AKUMA: *swallows the incoming octopus bomb and drops knife*

DOG: *runs away so that the anime can say that no animals were harmed during the recording*

ME: But what about the cat from the first episode?

ANIME: I DON'T WANT PETA ON ME OKAY?

AKUMA: Illuminati *explodes*

*half of the shop is destroyed but magically Lenalee and Russel are unharmed*

LENALEE: Who opened the goddamn window?

RUSSEL: Where did that creep go? Well, if he's gone then I'm gonna take these.

*to Reever and team*

REEVER: DAFUQ WERE YOU THINKING?! THE HALF STORE IS GONE!

ME: Ummm, but aren't they more concerned that those two could have died?

KOMUI: That bomb hurts everyone other than Lenalee.

ME: Yeah, but if the building collapses she's dead.

ALLEN: Would you actually pay attention to my epic fight with this octopus?

*at a café*

REEVER: Don't go batshit crazy again.

KOMUI: I won't obey a crossdresser.

REEVER: What makes you think that I'm not trans?

KOMUI: ...*sweats nervously*

WAITER: Sorry for the wait.

LENALEE: Took your damn time. Now shoo.

WAITER: Yes. *LO HEBOLD HE'S THE AKUMA WITH THE ULTIMATE DISGUISE! A FAKE MOUSTACHE!*

LENALEE: THE SUGAR IS MINE! *hands touch*

KOMUI: *throws some flying rabbits at them*

LAVI: LOL, U even tryin? *plays whack a rabbit*

AKUMA: *yet again gets the bombs*

*half shop is destroyed again*

LENALEE: Ok, which motherfucker keeps opening the window?

*at the hat strore*

AKUMA: I'LL KILL HER NOW FOR SURE! *takes out knife*

LENALEE: NOPE. *grabs Russel* You come with me.

KOMUI: NOPE. 65!

65 WHO IS THE STRANGE TAPED MOUTHED GHOST THINGY: What?

KOMUI: *forces him to drink some strange potion that makes him grow 3x his size with mega muscles ripping him apart*

ME: Ah, here we go again.

KOMUI: *slaps some kinda controller on him* GO AND KILL THEM. I mean only him.

LAVI: *inhales*

KOMUI: NOPE *uses blowpipe on him*

LAVI: Night. *faints*

REEVER: CUT IT OUT!

ALLEN: EXCUSE ME, I'M STILL HAVING AN EPIC FIGHT HERE!

TIMCANPY: I EXIST! *crashes into controller*

65: *crashes into the Akuma in guise*

LENALEE: OKAY WHO. THE FUCK. KEEPS. OPENING. THE GODDAMN. WINDOW?!

*in glasses shop*

LENALEE: *takes on a pair, because all animes have a secret fetish to make all characters wear glasses*

RUSSELL: LMAO YOU THINK GLASSES WILL MAKE YOU SMARTER?!

AKUMA: *appears in the background, just what kind of genius guise will ha take?!* I won't fail again. *turns off the light*

LENALEE: WHO THE FUCK SHUT DOWN THE SUN?

*Russel is roped up somewhere in the back*

AKUMA POSING AS RUSSEL: *raises knife above her head but STUMBLES and knocks Lenalee down*

ME: Ok, I pitied you until now, but seriously, you're a fucking disgrace.

KOMUI: *bursts in to see Akuma!Russel over Lenalee in a completely not-compromising-at-all position*

LENALEE: This is not what it looks like.

KOMUI: KOMURIN 3!

*we enter another anime as Komurin 3 flies here and I'm deeply disturbed that I have no idea when it got built*

LENALEE: Listen you-

REEVER: Do you guys hear this alien theme song?

KOMURIN 3: *crashes through the roof*

KOMUI: FINISH HIM!

AKUMA!RUSSEL: *runs even though if he transformed he could fly*

LENALEE: MOO! I mean, mou!

ME: DON'T FUCKING MOU, THAT LUNATIC IS DETROYING PARIS!

AKUMA!RUSSEL: HOLD THE FUCK ON I'M AN AKUMA!

KOMUI: YES, THAT'S WHY YOU MUST SUFFER! IMMA FIRIN MA LASER!

REEVER: Lavi, wake the fuck up and stop him! It's not like Allen or Lenalee could do it!

LAVI: Go nag someone else, I did my share today. *goes back to sleep*

REEVER: ALLEN!

ALLEN: NOW THAT YOU'RE ALL LOOKING I CAN DEAFEAT THIS MONSTROUS OCTOPUS! *pulls it off, only to find another one, like some matryoshka*

LENALEE: Ok, there's enough drama, IT'S TIME FOR MY-!

*camera goes back to Komui and Akuma!Russel*

AKUMA!RUSSELL: *is cornered*

KOMUI: DIE!

LENALEE: *kicks him in the head* MAJOU SHOJOU TRANSFORMATION! *to the cameraman* DON'T. YOU. FUCKING. DARE. TO TAKE THE CAMERA OFF ME! *back to Komui* What's your problem?

KOMUI: I CAN'T LET YOU GO OUT WITH THAT GUY!

LENALEE: I might have issues, but not daddy issues, that's that guy's area of expertise. *points at Allen*

ALLEN: HEY!

LENALEE: *throws ribboned box in his face* It's for you. It's bound to keep your stupid sis-con ass off me. *goes down to Akuma!Russell* Let's get outta here.

AKUMA!RUSSELL: MY CHANCE! *transforms back*

LENALEE: *gasps and somehow people telepathically hear it*

KOMUI: BEHIND YOU!

ALLEN'S CLAW: *destroys it*

ALLEN: Now that I saved her will you pay attention to my epic fight with this vicious octopus munching on my head?

LENALEE: HAHA, no. *flies up to Komui* And you. Fuck off. *throws enbu kirikaze on him*

KOMUI: *somehow falls off several floors without dying*

KOMURIN: *gets destroyed*

REEVER: We gotta repair this place.

KOMUI: HAHA, I'M OUT, BYE.

REEVER: NO YOU DON'T. *collective lynch*

END OF 18TH NIGHT


	19. 19th Night

And another one done. Thank you **Kittenanimegirl13** and **ef07** for reviewing,you guys always brigthen my day, also thanks to those who followed and favourited, it's greatly appreciated.

19th Night - Thank god the anime takes back up the canon thread - for now

*eerie castle in the moonlight*

PIGTAILED BLONDIE: *stares out through the window with dead eyes*

CAPED GUY: *looks suspiciously like a vampire, maybe we get to see vampires after all* What?

PIGTAILED BLONDIE: Someone entered the forest.

CAPED GUY: That's a train.

PIGTAILED BLONDIE: I just don't want anyone to come.

CAPED GUY: No one will.

PIGTAILED BLONDIE: You just came right?

CAPED GUY: *bites into her and in order to not raise this to 18+ we skip scenes*

*train stops*

ALLEN: *unboards* What the fuck am I even doing here? Isn't this supposed to be the oh-so-dramatic make up scene? But we've done that before. What the fuck is up with the script? *glances in it* So, find Cross? Oh, joys. *sees a mega creepy dead looking old man* Oh! A potential follower! Hello dear lost lamb, are you ready to accept me as your lord and savior?

OLD MAN: Who the hell- OMG THAT CHEST ASDFGHJKL

ALLEN: Whoa, whoa man, I didn't mean worshipping me that way!

OLD MAN: *runs off*

ALLEN: Hey! You forgot! Your dignity! *sigh* Just when I was about to have one.

*in the distance a crowd rushes towards him an surrounds Allen*

ALLEN: Well, shit. *gets kidnapped*

*scene changes, Allen tied up in a room*

ALLEN: A vampire.

OLD MAN: Yes.

ALLEN: K, I get it, but get outta my face.

OLD MAN: Oh, sorry, I didn't notice that I invaded your personal space.

ALLEN: ...Right.

OLD MAN: I'm Georg. The problem's that there's a vampire living near the village, Baron Krory. Recently he started feeding on us. He sucked an old woman dry! Can you imagine how little water is in and eldery's body?! And he sucked it all out! He sucked 9 people dry!

ALLEN: So your problem is a molester vampire?

MOB: *in the most bland voice possible* What are we ever doing here? Oh, yeah, right. Death to Krory.

ALLEN: *unimpressed* Wow, so angry.

GEORG: *falls to hands and knees along with the mob* Please free us from Krory!

ALLEN: That's cute and all, but I'm not here for that. Haven't you seen a walking human disaster?

GEORG: You're not being really specific. Just look at these people.

ALLEN: True: *stands up, ropes magically unfolding* Just a teaser of my godly powers *wink* He looks like this *whips out another "masterpiece"*

GEORG: IT'S TRUE *hugs Allen*

ALLEN: WHOA MAN, THIS IS OVER THE NO HOMO, THIS IS NO PEDO! NO PEDO! WE BARELY PUT THE ORIGINAL STORY ON TRACK, DON'T SEND PTA AFTER US!

GEORG: He came just before the attacks started! He went over to Krory's and RETURNED!

*flashback to when Cross returns from Krory's*

CROSS: *steals food from Georg's stand without an ounce of shame*

GEORG: ASDFGHJKL Y U STILL ALIVE?

CROSS: Coz I'm badass. If there's anything wrong with Krory tell it to another person who wears the same crest. Got it? Another person, not me, I'm a busy man. Bye *boards the train without paying for the food - and probably the tickets*

*end of flashback*

GEORG: And ever since then Krory haunts us!

ALLEN: *is secretly glad he doesn't take the blame for Cross' shit* YEA, AFTER KRORY! THIS ISN'T MY FAULT AT ALL!

OMINOUS EYE: *watches things unfold*

ME: Wait, aren't we going to see Lavi fly to Allen's rescue like a witch? *pouts*

*in a hotel*

GEORG: It's late, sleep here and start tomorrow. *leaves*

ALLEN: Finally! *lays down*

TIMCANPY: I EXIST!

OMINOUS EYE: *is back, bitch*

OWNER OF THE OMINOUS EYE: *enters the room and transforms into Akuma*

AKUMA: *shoots holes in the bed*

ALLEN: Haha, too bad. _I see you_ , bitch, I have the eye of Sauron. *not even activated even though it is right in front of him* But currently it's asleep. Whatever. *kills it off*

*4 other Akuma enter*

ALLEN: Whoops gotta get outside, it's not like I could shoot them in this small cramped place where they come one by one, no one would see my awesomeness!

*some purple bubbles break through a glass and one smashes into Allen's eye because for some unfathomable reason he forgot to dodge a head-on attack*

ALLEN: There, my sigh is gone again, you happy, author?

ME: *looks at Allen, then Hoshino and back at Allen* Which one of us?

AKUMA: *close in on Allen, but the Level 2 leaves*

ALLEN: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE SCRIPT? WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO PROTECT MYSELF?

LAVI: FOR THE GLORY OF LAVEN OF COURSE! *destroys those bubbles and a Level 1*

TIMCANPY: I EXIST!

ALLEN: But why is Bookman here?

Lavi: Beats me.

BOOKMAN: To annoy you.

LAVI: You're damn good at it.

ALLEN: *rolls the one good eye, in an unimpressed tone* Oh, dear, what am I to do? I can't see out my left eye, boo hoo.

LAVI: I SHALL SAVE THOU FOR THE GLORY OF LAVEN!

INNKEEPER: WTF IS GOING ON DON'T FILM PORN WITHOUT PAYING EXTRA FOR IT! *ceiling caves on him*

ALLEN: They're gone! After them!

BOOKMAN: *spots inkeeper* I can't remain impartial! He's a precious OC the anime created so I get 2 minutes of screen time in this episode! (And he's so cute.) WAIT HELP ME WE CAN'T LEAVE OUR MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER HERE!

AKUMA: *leave*

LEVEL 2: *leaves again*

ME: ? I thought you already left once?

*in the morning*

GEORG: ASDFGHJKL THREE PRIESTS *sobs* YOU WERE SO BADASS FIGHTING THOSE- What were they again?

LAVI: Akuma.

GEORG: Yeah, that one! Please accompany us to the vampire hunt tonight, even though vampires are supposed to be weak to sunlight. If we go now we might win and then this arc would be over too soon.

BOOKMAN: Ok, poor OC is fine now, he won't die don't worry.

ALLEN: We don't even know his goddamn name.

BOOKMAN: Oh, you hit your head really hard didn't you? Yes, your eye took the blunt hm. It'll be back soon. Now go vampire hunt. I have to protect OC-chan.

*evening*

LAVI: U kno if ya get bitten you'll be a vampire?

ALLEN: Can gods turn into vampires?

LAVI: Dunno so don't get bitten. But it also might be an Akuma in guise.

GEORG: Stop, we're here!

*ugly ass décor and screams coming from its inside*

GEORG: GO!

*an even uglier interior*

EYE: *watches them*

ALLEN: ! My godly senses are tingling! An asshole is nearby!

LAVI: LOL, Y u take off ur gloves, u scared?

ALLEN: Ah, it's you.

EYE: *moves*

ALLEN & LAVI: *back to back* He's coming.

OWNER OF THE EYE NO. 2: *rushes past them*

GEORG: What's this smell? ...Ok, who farted?

RANDOM GUY: FRANZ! HE GOT FRANZ!

*camery closes on the vampire AKA Arystar Krory*

TIMCANPY: I EXIST!

ALLEN: Well, I guess he's the local molester then?

END OF 19TH NIGHT


	20. 20th Night

Thank you for **ef07** , **Kittenanimegirl13** and **LunaEtSidera** for reviewing, it's greatly appreciated. Also, thanks for everyone for sticking to me, I hope you'll enjoy this too.

20th Night - Even when you get what you want often it's not exactly what you want, and that just makes the whole matter worse.

*at the Order*

ALLEN: Romania?

KOMUI: You'll have to find someone.

ALLEN: Why me?

KOMUI: Because only _you_ can do it, since _you're the Chosen One_.

ALLEN: Yeah I already knew that just tell me what you want.

KOMUI: Search for Cross.

ALLEN: *picks out gun from nowhere* Search and Destroy?

KOMUI: NO! JUST SEARCH!

ALLEN: I get it, search and destroy.

KOMUI&LENALEE: *glomps him*

KOMUI: JUST FIND HIM.

ALLEN: Party pooper. *at Lenalee* And you, get off me, I don't need free blowjob.

LENALEE: I've been rejected twice despite being the idol, have some heart.

ALLEN: If you don't let me go you'll gonna be shot in the face and not with Allena material.

*back to the Romanian molester vampire, idk if this was supposed to be a flashback or something and we get a minute of the last episode*

MOB: *sees Krory* BYE *runs off*

ALLEN: NO! IF YOU'RE NOT IN DANGER HOW AM I GOING TO SAVE YOU?!

ALLEN&LAVI: *activates Innocence*

KRORY: *psycho laugh*You wanna fight me? *lunges at them*

ALLEN: *shoots the ground to create a smokescreen*

KRORY: RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

ALLEN: Oh joys, the anime decided I'm not a victim Sue enough. *unimpressed* Oh, so fast, what am I to do?

LAVI: FOR THE GLORE OF LAVEN! *swats Krory away*

KRORY: *catches the hammer with his goddamn teeth*

LAVI: I... ain't even mad.

KRORY: *throws him away*

ALLEN'S CLAW: *grabs him from underneath*

ALLEN: Gotcha ya lil bitch. Now behave. *puts claw at his throat in warning*

KRORY: *another round of psycho laugh* LOL, You guys are monsters too?

ALLEN: I'm a god and that guy's a pervert.

LAVI: HEY!

KRORY: That's cute. *bites his finger*

ALLEN: OH FUCKING COME ON-!

KRORY: BITTER! *runs off with Franz*

ALLEN: The hell?

*in the castle*

PIGTAILED BLONDIE: Yo, what happened?

KRORY: *is crying*

ME: What on-? Did he really just pull a 180?

KRORY: I did it again, Eliade. I turned into a molester again. *to Franz* Hullo? You alive?

FRANZ: No.

KRORY: *breaks down crying*

ELIADE: Great, the tomatoes will love this guy. *hug Krory*

KRORY: *wants to molest her too, but crawls away* NO! I CAN'T MOLEST YOU TOO! I LOV-

ELIADE: I love you too.

ME: Well... doesn't really match the mood... but I guess they're cute? God, just please don't go further with a corpse in the room.

*outisde*

GEORG: YAAAY, THE BLACK PRIESTS BEAT KRORY!

ALLEN: Finally... I'm having worshippers... but... _why are you all so damn far away?!_

LAVI: *with garlic necklace and a spike* To behold your greatness.

ALLEN: *is not buying his bullshit* Right. As long as that thing doesn't go up in my ass I'm fine.

LAVI: OH? Then how about-?

ALLEN: No. Let's get that guy's ass. *puts on hood to increase coolness with 40%*

LAVI: *inhales*

ALLEN: No, not like that. Come- I mean, let's go already.

*back to the inn*

BOOKMAN: Don't worry, OC-chan is fine.

KOMUI: What a relief, we can't lose our mascot! Oh, how about that kid, what was his name again?

BOOKMAN: The martyr complex guy?

KOMUI: Yeah, that one.

BOOKMAN: Dunno, I don't care, the only one who has place in my heart is OC-chan. Bye.

*and we get that scene from the manga but instead with Johnny we get Lenalee*

LENALEE: I HAVEN'T HAD SCREEN TIME IN LIKE TWO EPISODES, PEOPLE MIGHT FORGET THAT I EXIS-!

*back at Krory's castle*

ELIADE: *puts corpse to a coffin so as not to shock younger audience and to gain an extra few minutes to stall the plot*

*back at Lavi and Allen*

LAVI: Ugly décor, but we really could film porn here.

ALLEN: No. I still wonder how Cross is connected to all this. Do you think-?

LAVI: *drops asleep*

ALLEN: Ok, I'm a bit hurt. *ready to faint* Wait, this smell? Oh god we're really going to make this porn?

WILD FLOWER: *appears*

ALLEN: ! FUCK, NOT TENTACLE RAPE! NOT BY PLANTS! *starts shooting them* HOW DO YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF EVOLUTION BITCHES?!

ELIADE: WTF ARE YOU DOING WITH MASTER'S FLOWERS?

ALLEN: Master? The fuck, you guys do BDSM in here?!

LAVI: *wakes up, then wakes up inside*

ELIADE: ! It feels lusty here?

LAVI: *drools* SHE'S MAH TYPE!

ALLEN: *smashes him in the head* HEY WE'RE ABOUT TO GET RAPED BY FLOWERS!

LAVI: OK, You can join too just-!

ELIADE: No thx, take him. *pushes the cart with the corpse down*

WILD FLOWERS: *pop up like daises and eat him* *stars appear on them and they explode*

ALLEN&LAVI: GRAB!

LAVI: Ok, no porn. *throws up*

ALLEN: Oh, look, a cemetery. Definitely no porn now.

*teleports in the middle and for some reason instead of crucifics, there are simple stones*

ALLEN: Oh, great, these are Krory's victims. *touches gravestone and it rolls away* WHOA! SO- *realisation!* Lavi look here!

LAVI: Pentacles. And even the flowers that ate Franz... And all the people Krory molested to death

ALLEN: ...they could have been Akuma?

END OF 20th NIGHT


	21. 21st Night

Special thanks for **Kittenanimegirl13** , **ForkZ** and **ef07** for reviewing, I appreaciate it, also thank you for everyone else who followed, favourited this madness or simply tags along for the lolz.

21st Night - Remember to switch hands sometimes

ELAIDE: Those little shits are probably still alive, I can't let them live, not after that insult!

KRORY: I can't believe you left me here to rot among tentacle rapist drug flowers, Granddad. What the fuck were you on? Now no one wants to be my friend and I'll die on my own, thanks a lot.

ELIADE: *sobbing*ALEISTER! Some brats claiming to be Exorcists came to slay you! They even attacked me!

KRORY: ...

ELIADE: ...And they set your Granddad's plants on fire

KRORY: NO NOT THE METH FLOWERS!

ELAIDE: Come, drink my blood and kick their asses.

ANIME: *conveniently leaves out Krory's flashback coz why not*

KRORY: *bites her*

ELIADE: *gets off on it*

*outside Allen and Lavi dug up the graves*

ANIME: *conveniently leaves out the rock-paper-scissors debate*

LAVI: These used to be Akuma, before they rotted away into liquid lol. This ain't no simple vampire hunt.

KRORY: *appears behind Lavi*

ALLEN: LAVI!

KRORY: *punches him the fuck away* Fight me.

*they fight*

ALLEN: Wait! You aren't even a real molester, you only nuked the Akuma!

KRORY: WTF? I don't give a fuck about those, I kill coz I can. And I'll kill you too. *blasts him upstairs*

LAVI: *attacks him* NO, NOT MY UKE HOW WILL PEOPLE SHIP LAVEN YOU FUCKING SAVAGE?! FIGHT ME!

*inside*

ALLEN: Fuck, now that hurt. Wha? I'm seeing stars?

TIMCANPY: I EXIII-

ALLEN: *shoves him into his pocket*

ALLEN: *continues to feel up the wall*

WALL: *blushes*

ALLEN: *finds the "switch"*

WALL: *came- nah it just opened up so Allen could fall in a secret room*

*moans inside*

ALLEN: Is someone masturbating there?

WALL: *gets jealous and closes*

ALLEN: Dafuq?

ELAIDE: Yo, whatcha doin' in a ladies powder room? *starts applyig make up*

ALLEN: Powder? Is that how you call drugs here? Is that wound-?

ELIADE: Oh, goodness. *puts make up on it*

*it's super ineffective*

ALLEN: Umm... aren't you supposed to smash me into the wall?

WALL: *still jealous that it's being ignored*

ELAIDE: *smashes him into the bookcase* Satisfied?

ALLEN: Not really. You're not gonna peg me are you?

ELIADE: *flips him over*

ALLEN: Thx *starts coughing up blood*

ELAIDE: Wat, no fighting back?

ALLEN: I like it rough.*thinking* My body feels so hot... Well it's to be expected since I AM hot, still*

ELIADE: Wake up! *starts punching him for good measure*

ALLEN: I assure you there's a part of me that's very much awake.

ELAIDE: *keeps punching*

ALLEN: What a turn on.

ELIADE: *smashes him into the wall and retrieves an axe outta nowhere* I'll kill ya.

*outside Lavi and Krory still fight*

LAVI: You ain't half bad. You might be one of us after all.

KRORY: Wut?

LAVI: Didn't you realise that you kept going after Akuma?

KRORY: Dunno, don't care.

LAVI: K, then I'll knock you out. *summons disco lights*

KRORY: WHAT THE-

LAVI: *unleashes a fire snake on him* Answer me when ya wake up.

*back inside*

ELAIDE: I'm gonna slit your throat and get off on it lol *swings down the axe*

ALLEN: *catches it*

EDLIADE: You're just begging for some S&M huh? *realisation!* Wait, you aren't even awake?

ALLEN'S MAGIC HAND: *breaks the axe and activates*

ME: Ok, but where are the mega cool tattoo like patterns?

ELAIDE: *jumps away just in time, but is still scared shitless - well according to the manga at least*

ALLEN'S MAGIC HAND: *raises Allen in the air*

ELIADE: How many times did this guy masturbate with that hand?

ALLEN'S MAGIC EYE: *disappears into a shiny star*

SKULL: *emerges from it*

MANA'S VOICE: I'm back. The darkness is back.

MINI ALLEN: I'll become a god one day, I promise.

MANA'S VOICE: Then go deeper.

MINI ALLEN: In her?

MANA'S VOICE: Within the dark world.

MINI ALLEN: Oh.

*in the real world*

SKULL: *recedes back into Allen's head*

ALLEN: *wakes up* You're an Akuma.

ELIADE: You're a savage, you ripped my nipple off.

ALLEN: Don't worry, I'll rip the rest of you apart.

END OF 21ST NIGHT


	22. 22nd Night

Ok, so it seems that the new anime will be named DGM Hallow and it'll air somewhen in July, meaning I still have like 3 months for 81 episodes, though most likely I won't finish until then, sorry.

As always, thank you to **Kittenanimegirl13** , **ef07** , **Kolorful Kyandii** and **Aurelie-Atia's Fallen Angel** for reviewing.

22nd Night -

ALLEN: Umm, you not gonna change?

ELIADE: *rips clothes off*

ALLEN: ...Ok. Come at me.

*questionable if they fight or film porn after all*

*outside Krory and Lavi still fight*

KRORY: *smashes Lavi to the ground* GET REKT *lunges at him but stops* Oh, fuck, I ran out of blood. My boner is gone!

LAVI: Are you telling me that all this time it wasn't your fang that was poking me?

KRORY: *starts smashing his head to the tree behind him* WHERE THE FUCK DID MY WOOD GO?!

LAVI: Ok fuck you. *unleashes fire on him* BURN BITCH BURN.

*Allen and Eliade fights for dominance*

ALLEN: *hears battle outside* What the fuck?

ME: More like WHAT THE FUCK HOW CAN YOU LEVITATE?

ALLEN: I must be here... for the glory of Laven.

*fire snake brakes in*

*gravity decides that it's on again*

ALLEN: *falls down*

ELIADE: *gets hit*

ALLEN: WHERE THE FUCK DID MY LEVITATING POWER GO? WHY CAN'T I USE MY CLAW?

LAVI: FOR THE GLORY OF LAVEN OF COURSE! *glances at Elaide* Holy shit she's nude! And there's a wrapped up ghost coiling out of her ass or pussy, I can't tell but def from within! S&M much?

*flashback*

ELIADE: The woman I wear is beautiful and I tried to use this to my advantage and seduce such rich dude, but they all died since I'm an Akuma.

EARL: There's a suspicious guy called Arystar Krory III, check him out. Wait scratch that, kill him either way.

ELIADE: Gotcha.

*in the forest*

KRORY: *bites her*

ELIADE: HOLY SHIT. *passes out*

*blackout*

ELAIDE: *jerks awake* Ok what the fuck.

KRORY: I CAN'T BELIEVE I MOLESTED AGAIN!

ELAIDE: Why did you stop?

KRORY: It's flaccid and it won't stand up again.

ELIADE: Oh, let me help with that *kisses him*

KRORY: *passes out*

ELIADE: He's my sugar daddy now.

*back into present*

ELIADE: ARYSTAR!

KRORY: *wakes up* HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT WHITE THING COMING OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE? SHIT?

ELAIDE: THAT'S MY SOUL!

LAVI: I'M FINALLY SEEING A NAKED WOMAN WHY DO I HAVE TO SEE A PIECE OF SHIT HANGING FROM HER ASS!

ELAIDE: I'M TELLING YOU THAT'S MY SOUL!

ALLEN: KRORY GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER SHE'S A TRAP!

ELIADE: FUCK YOU ALL *transforms and smashes Krory to the wall*

ALLEN&LAVI: *le gasp!*

ME: SERIOUSLY WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, YOU GUYS JUST OUTED THE GIRL!

LAVI: WE GOTTA SAVE HIM! NOW THAT HE'S A GOOD GUY HE HAS SHIPPING POTENTIAL!

FLOWERS: *rise from the dead and capture Allen and Lavi*

ALLEN: THIS ISN'T THE FUCKING TIME FOR TENTACLE RAPE!

FLOWERS: THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR TENTACLE RAPE!

KRORY: Why? I loved you!

ELAIDE: Thanks.

KRORY: So you're really an Akuma? *licks blood off his glove*

*KRORY'S HAIR AND ANOTHER PART OF ANATOMY STANDS UP*

KRORY: I'll destroy you then!

END OF 22ND NIGHT


	23. 23rd Night

Thank you for **Kittenanimegirl13** for reviewing!

23rd Night - Shitty writer realises she hasn't given the last chapter a title, but oh well, the name of this one is make sure you wipe properly

*shit ton of door opens to reveal that the Krorys are closet perverts*

KRORY: *narrates* My old man used to collect a bunch of weird stuff: gross relics, sex toys, but his most prized possessions were his heroine flowers.

KRORY NO 1: Take care of my porn collection- I mean my flowers when I'm gone. *dies*

PEOPLE: *strangely enough come for his funeral*

KRORY: *decides to become a closet pervert* So I locked myself inside to tend to the flowers and somehow I never starved to death. *dramatic* But then one day... I realised I was part of the collection too... But Elaide accepted me so I love her... And kinds, this is how I met my lover whom I killed.

*back to present*

FLOWERS: IT'S TIME! FOR TENTANCLE RAPE! *engulf Lavi*

LAVI: NO I'M A SEME LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

ALLEN: Calm your tits!

LAVI: IF I DO I'M GONNA GET TENTACLE RAPED!

ALLEN: THAT'S THE POINT! YOU CAN'T RAPE THE WILLING!

LAVI: *sobs*

*Krory and Elaide fights*

ELAIDE: *vomits up purple bubbles*

KRORY: *jumps away*

FLOWERS: *die*

KRORY: Holy shit when did you brush your teeth last time? I won't forgive you for killing my flowers!

ELIADE: You give zero fucks about the flowers, you're just scared to come out.

KRORY: I'm gonna come and destroy your ass!

*back to Allen and Lavi*

FLOWERS: *lets go of them* It ain't rape game if you guys are into it.

*bubbles come at Allen and Lavi*

ALLEN: Shit their fight is still not over! I could use my claw to protect ourselves, but let's have a nice Laven moment somewhere between the bushes.

*Eliade catches Krory with her bubbles and sucks him dry - literally*

KRORY: *falls to the ground*

ELAIDE: Pity, I wanted something from you.

KRORY: *jumps at her* HAHA, YOU THOUGHT BITCH!

ELIADE: *comes*

*wild Allen and Lavi appear*

ALLEN: HEY IT'S LAVEN TIME GO HAVE SEX SOMEHWERE ELSE!

KRORY: *regains his hardness*

ELIADE: I... just wanted to love you... *evaporates to very unfitting music*

ALLEN: Good.

ME: OMG NO, PLS THIS IS A SERIOUSLY TOUCHING MOMENT, KRORY JUST LOST EVERYTHING DON'T DO THIS TO HIM PLS

ANIME: Ok *leaves out the part where Krory wanted to feed himself to the flowers along with Allen and Lavi*

KRORY: I killed everything I loved... I want to die.

ALLEN: Then become my worshipper! Join us Exorcists so you could withness my greatness firsthand!

KRORY: K. *in a dark closet- I mean chamber* Yeah, this guy did come here, saying that he was a friend of my granddad and came to return something. *shows them pot*

ALLEN: ROSANNE?

LAVI: Who? I ain't see no one.

KRORY: She died when she bit me and that's when I got these fancy fangs and other body parts I can pierce people with.

LAVI: Too much info.

KRORY: And that's how I met Eliade.

LAVI: Here we fucking go again. Tell us about this guy instead.

KRORY: He asked for money from me and left.

ALLEN: Typical.

*outside*

ALLEN: Well at least we got a clue where Cross went.

LAVI: ...Don't make that face, you saved him. He'll get over killing the only one who ever loved him in a heartbeat you'll see.

*castle explodes behind them*

LAVI: Or not.

KRORY: *emerges from the flames* I still live you know.

BOOKMAN: I'm here too btw.

LAVI: Yeah, that's nice but no one cares since you weren't even in the manga at this time so shoo.

END OF 23RD NIGHT


	24. 24th Night

Thank you for **Kittenanimegirl13** for reviewing!

24th Night - The awkward moment when you think they're gonna treat you to eat, but irl you can only watch as people eat.

KRORY: *sobs*

LAVI: Come now, it wasn't that bad, people might hate your guts but-

KRORY: *cries more*

ALLEN: Lavi, STFU.

BOOKMAN: *off to look after OC-chan*

*on the train*

LAVI: Where did this guy ran off to?

*opens door*

KRORY: *sits in undies, sniffing*

ALLEN: Finally, it's my time to shine! Good men, let me join and inform you about your lord and saviour, me!

MEN: STFU and you can win.

ALLEN: *smiles innocently*

MEN: *stare*

ALLEN: I won.

LAVI: HOW?

ALLEN: iCheat. iNeverLose. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*at the station*

ALLEN: How about I give you these back and in exchange you guys accept me as your lord and saviour?

MEN: We'd rather freeze to death thanks.

ALLEN: Fine, then just have it, I can't do anything with this junk.

SWIRLY GLASSES HOBO YES HOBO AND NOT HOMO THOUGH HE CAN BE HOMO: Fuck off. Have this shit just get outta my sight *throws cards at him*

ANIME: *leaves Ezee's moment out, that would betray that spoiler alert! Kevin Yeegar's death has something to do with the Swirly Glasses Hobo Yes Hobo Not Homo Though He Can Be Homo*

TELEPHONE: *rings*

SWIRLY GLASSES HOBO YES HOBO AND NOT HOMO THOUGH HE CAN BE HOMO: How the fuck did this thing get here?

TELEPHONE: *rings seductively*

SWIRLY GLASSES HOBO YES HOBO AND NOT HOMO THOUGH HE CAN BE HOMO: *picks it up and hear nothing* Sorry, gotta go.

MEN: K, have fun. *leave with the kid*

SWIRLY GLASSES HOBO YES HOBO AND NOT HOMO THOUGH HE CAN BE HOMO: Aw, they'd make a cute gay couple who adopted a kid.

*on the train*

LITTLE GIRL: Buy my flowers.

KRORY: No thx.

LITTLE GIRL: Buy them or I'll tell everyone you deflowered me.

KRORY: *sweats nervously*

*in the alley*

SWIRLY GLASSES HOBO YES HOBO AND NOT HOMO THOUGH HE CAN BE HOMO: Can we eat pls?

EARL: Yeah.

SWIRLY GLASSES HOBO YES HOBO AND NOT HOMO THOUGH HE CAN BE HOMO: Good. *transforms in a blink of an eye My Fair Lady style* Let's do this shit.

*back on the train*

ALLEN&LAVI: *find Krory*

KRORY: I did it again. *sniff* I can't do anything on my own... will it be always like this?

ME: OMG KRORY BABY IS HAVING CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT-

ANIME: LMAO BITCH YOU THOUGHT.

*scene changes*

ALLEN: This is the Order, I bet you're gonna make a lot of friends, this place is full of idiots who defy my heavenly guidance and me of course.

GATEKEEPER: GIMME A SHOW *X-RAY vision*

KRORY: I feel so dirty right now.

GATEKEEPER: NOPE! HE'S OUT!

*inside*

LENALEE: YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD HAVE AN EPISODE WITHOUT ME, LMAO, GUESS WHO'S BACK BITCHES!

*outside*

KOMURIN: *jumps down from the top of the Order*

KOMUI: THE 4TH EDITION! DESTROY EVERYTHING, HUMAN AND AKUMA ALIKE!

ME: Wait! Can it really destroy Akumas?

ANIME: LOL NO, heaven forbid, I'm just doing it for the lolz!

LENALEE: He made those again? Moo Brother, they're the martyr complex guy. So kill them.

KOMUI: K. He can't be stopped either way so why not? KILL THEM KOMURIN!

KOMURIN: *attacks*

ALLEN: *Innocence fires at it with Innocence*

KOMURIN: *catches it and starts cooking*

ALLEN: Marry me.

LAVI: NO, YOU CAN'T GET IN THE WAY OF LAVEN!

KOMURIN: *catches him and makes omelette outta him*

LAVI: This is too humiliating, I'm taking a nap and hope the storm passes, bye.

ME: Ok, but how could Komui make a substance that withstands Innocence?

ANIME: I wonder.

KOMURIN: *starts a steamy scene with Allen*

LENALEE: *kicks Komui in the head* This show was already gay enough, but you had to go and make it even gayer. *activates the magic shoes and blows it away*

*and a rest is rip-off of Allen's arrival but we get yet another Komurin who puts make-up on everyone but Lenalee who kills it again but only when it already humiliated everyone*

*but wait! The Noah do turn up in the last 2 minutes!*

EARL: *eats* Time for dessert! *only he is served*

CURLY HAIRED NOAH: You really called us here to watch you eat dessert?

EARL: YES.

END OF 24TH NIGHT


	25. 25th Night

Thank you for **Kittenanimegirl13** , **Guest** and **Elyan White** for reviewing, I'm happy I could make you happy.

25th Night - God have mercy on me, there are even more fillers

*at the Order*

KRORY: What's that?

KANDA: ...

KRORY: Is it tasty?

KANDA: ...

KRORY: I'm gonna try it.

*seconds later*

ALLEN: *comes in* A beautiful morning!

KRORY: *screeches*

ALLEN: *teleports by his side* Are you in need of my divine guidance?

KRORY: RJABGAJBJNG

ALLEN: Dafuq?

JERRY: He fucked up eating soba, this dork.

ALLEN: *to Kanda* WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SO I COULD HELP HIM?

KANDA: Coz I don't give a fuck.

LAVI: Morning!

KANDA: Fuck off.

LAVI: Cold. Oh, Allen babe, Komui is waiting for you!

ALLEN: YES, I CAN FINALLY SHOW OFF MY BRILLIANCE!

*in Komui's office*

KOMUI: You have to take this to General Yeegar.

ALLEN: ...You reduced me to a mere errand boy?

KOMUI: *rolls eyes*He's old and might be in need of your help.

ALLEN: I'm on my way.

BOOKMAN: Why did you send the Walker kid after Yeegar?

KOMUI: I kinda hope he gets lost.

BOOKMAN: Fair enough.

*in the Netherlands*

ALLEN: Where the fuck is that old fart, there isn't anyone here.

FINDER: Hi.

ALLEN: Where the hell did you come from?!

FINDER: I'm Thierry.

ALLEN: And I'm your lord and saviour, Allen Walker - in person. Now where is that poor old man who requires my presence?

THIERRY: Gone.

ALLEN: Typical.

*in some sorta death valley*

ALLEN: The perfect place to recruit followers. *glances at a house*

*the curtains close*

ALLEN: Okay, that hurt. Where's the General?

THIERRY: No idea.

ALLEN: Is there a way to contact him.

THIERRY: Nope.

ALLEN: ... You're fucking useless, you know that, right?

THIERRY: I'm an OC, what did you expect?

*somewhere else an Akuma runs from a carriage and gets cornered*

PERSON FROM INSIDE THE CARRIAGE: *exits and is Yeegar* Gimme your Innocence.

AKUMA: Umm...

YEEGAR: The one in your hand, dolt.

AKUMA: Oh. Thanks but no. *more Akuma appear*

ALLEN: DON'T WORRY MY DEAR WORSHIPPER I SHALL-

YEEGAR: *starts killing them off*

ALLEN: What the fuck this old man rocks!

YEEGAR: *gets surrounded*

ALLEN: *runs there screaming to increase damage with +45%* I SHALL SAVE THOU!

LEVEL 2: *is alone*

YEEGAR: *wraps chains around him* Caught you!

LEVEL 2: Thanks, but I'm not into this stuff. *anatomical canon extends*

ALLEN: KEEP DREAMING! *destroys it*

YEEGAR: So you're Allen Walker? Thank you for saving me.

ALLEN: You're welcome, now then how about-

YEEGAR: But yet again another innocent life was lost.

ALLEN: ...What?

*in the city*

YEEGAR: I'm sorry for being unable to prevent the casulaities.

ALLEN: Um General, our existence is supposed to be a secret.

YEEGAR: Oh right.

*whole town gets massacred*

*in the evening somewhere else*

YEEGAR: *cooks* So you're the pupil of Cross.

ALLEN: Yeah.

YEEGAR: Have my deepest condolences.

ALLEN: Thanks.

YEEGAR: Take this as a gift for putting up with him.

ALLEN: This is the kindest thing anyone ever told me *starts sobbing*

YEEGAR: But of course, it's for putting your life on line.

ALLEN: PLEASE STOP, YOU'RE TOO KIND I'M FUCKING CRYING ALREADY. *stuffs everything in his mouth* OH FUCK I ATE ALL!

YEEGAR: No problem, I'll make more for you.

ALLEN: Marry me, please.

YEEGAR: I can't. I couldn't protect my loved ones. I was a teacher at a small place and one day one of my students died and her best friend called her back.

*flashback*

JOANNE: *weeps*

EARL: Hi.

JOANNE: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHERE DID YOU POP OUT FROM?

*back in class*

ME: EVERY OC HAS BROWN HAIR?

GUY: You okay?

GIRL #2: You look pale.

JOANNE: IT'S MY FAAAACE *rapeface*

YEEGAR: *runs away to see an unknown Exorcist point their arrow at Joanne* NO!

JOANNE: *explodes into an Akuma*

YEEGAR: Ok, you can kill it.

EXORCIST: *kills it*

*end of flashback*

YEEGAR: Tragedy follows me and it lead to you.

ALLEN: ...I really hope you meant to say that as a compliment.

YEEGAR: Tell me about you.

ALLEN: I was born with Innocence, turned my dad into an Akuma then killed him, so I became an Exorcist to atone.

YEEGAR: Say no more. I can see it, your pain is your strength. Carry on.

ALLEN: Where have you been from my life so far? *cries again*

*at Kanda*

KANDA: *runs all Kill Bill style*

AKUMA: AW YISSS, PLEASE PIERCE ME WITH YOUR MIGHTY MUGEN.

KANDA: *sends First Illusion at it*

AKUMA: YASSS STEP ON MY PLS.

KANDA: No. *leaves*

*Wild Road and Tyki appears*

ME: Oh hey guys, are you back for your usual two panels per episode?

ROAD: ... That's painfully accurate.

END OF 25TH NIGHT


	26. 26th Night

Thank you for **Kittenanimegirl13** and **Guest** for reviewing and everyone who followed, favourited or simply reads.

26th Night - And a ship goes #rekt.

*we get a shiny new opening and it seems that the cast is really into Lenalee seeing that she had the most detailed Innocence activation which is pretty good compared to 2006/7 standards*

*raining*

TYKI: I can't fucking believe it that we're going to have screentime.

ROAD: QUICK, BEFORE THE CAMERA-

*camera shifts back to Yeegar and co.*

FINDER: What do you think about the brat?

YEEGAR: I guess we're shippable.

*at a port*

SALESMAN: Sorry, but because of the storm no ship leaves.

ALLEN: Damn, just when I wanted to enjoy my new (parental) ship, who am I supposed to ship with?

LENALEE: Hi.

ALLEN: BYE

*at a restaurant*

LENALEE: I had a mission in Spain.

ALLEN: Tell someone who cares.

LENALEE: So what was the old man like?

ALLEN: *star eyed* *sighs*

LENALEE: ... What?

*at the Order*

KOMUI: I DON'T WANNA *telephone rings* Yes, hello, Komui Lee at your service.

KANDA: Hello, it's me. I got a funny message from the Earl.

KOMUI: Was it: ~ _HALLOW FROM THE OTHER SIDE-_

KANDA: *puts phone down*

KOMUI: Totally worth it.

*back to Yeegar*

FINDER: *sees wild Akuma in the middle of the fucking road, so he stops*

YEEGAR: Who are you lot?

ROAD: *teleports on the shoulder of an Akuma* Road Kamelot.

TYKI: *strolls out from behind an Akuma's leg as if he was in Super Mario* Tyki Mikk. We're here for your Innocence.

YEEGAR: Um...

ROAD: *facepalms* Attack him.

YEEGAR: Go, they're too much for you.

FINDER: TBH, yeah. *runs*

OTHER FINDER: QUICKLY WE HAVE TO CALL FOR HELP

ME: YOU GUYS HAVE TELEPHONES ON YOUR BACK?

*uses a phone other than the one on his back just to annoy me*

FINDER: *on the telephone* SOS!

KOMUI: Immediately!

LENALEE: Who the fuck is this?

VOICE: Yeegar is attacked by the Noah!

ALLEN: NO, NOT MY ONLY FUNCTIONAL SHIP!

*back at Yeegar*

YEEGAR: *slays* RIP in Pieces

ROAD: I guess the dirty work is up to me *flashes some purple thunder or some shit? Idk?*

YEEGAR: What the-? Is this meth?

ROAD: Your punishment. *starts replaying the past* Let's go on an adventure~ To Feels City~ on a Road called Guilt Trip~ *rewinds it over and over*

YEEGAR: Overall: FUCK.

TYKI: K, stop, you make my head spin and my hair will get wet. *finishes Yeegar off*

YEEGAR: At least... I had two episodes to myself.

WILD EARL: *appears* Done?

TYKI: *takes all the Innocence*

EARL: *destroys them all* Neither of them eh.

YEEGAR: *groans*

ROAD: Oh, he's still alive.

TYKI: *smirks* How about we play another game?

*to Allen and Lenalee*

ALLEN: Why aren't you flying btw?

LENALEE: For the sake of Allena, this show is still too gay.

ALLEN: *sees the broken carriage* NO NOT THE KITCHEN!

LENALEE: There's a finder there!

*they rush over*

ALLEN: WHERE IS MY POPPY?!

FINDER: You fucking blind? He's right next to you.

YEEGAR: *is tied up to a tree with his chains*

ALLEN: MY ONLY FUNCTIONAL SHIP!

*wild Komui appears*

YEEGAR: _My Innocence was taken from me~ who is next? Who is the precious Heart?_

ALLEN: Dafuq?

KOMUI: It's the core of the Innocence

BOOKMAN: The source that manages all others.

LAVI: Oh, look, death~

ME: Lavi, Lavi _no_

KOMUI: The Earl is looking for the Heart.

ALLEN: Thanks Captain Obvious.

YEEGAR: *starts singing again to drown them out*

END OF 26TH NIGHT


	27. 27th Night

Thank you for **Kittenanimegirl13** for reviewing! Also, yes it was a reference

27th Night - Anime ignores canon harder than ever

*riding a carriage*

ALLEN: Ok, how do we find the Heart?

KOMUI: Pass, no idea how we should tell it apart. But the Earl thinks that it supposed to be some bamf, so not you guys. That's why they targeted the Marshal, so we have to protect the rest. That's why I want you two, Allen, Lenalee to search for Cross.

ME: Wait a- didn't you guys already send Allen after Cross once?

*my voice is drowned out by the leaving ferry*

LENALEE: You okay? You don't accidentally try to drown yourself? Just in case I have to look in the other direction.

ALLEN: Nah.

LENALEE: Still missing Yeegar?

ALLEN: HE WAS THE MOST SANE PERSON I COULD BE SHIPPED WITH! Damn, I never even thought that Generals could be this kind. I feel like throwing up from Cross.

LENALEE: K, just not on my shoes.

*flashback*

KOMUI: Until now we didn't know whether he was ded or dad, but then YOU came! *points at Allen* _We can get him now!_

*flashback ends*

ALLEN: Have you met that guy?

LENALEE: Yes.

ALLEN: Do you want me to talk about him?

LENALEE: No.

ALLEN: Well too bad, we're scheduled to do it.

*in the restaurant*

LENALEE: So when did you meet him?

ALLEN: Wasn't the reason to tamper with the timeline so you could be there to hear my backstory?

LENALEE: Nah, just came for the cash.

ALLEN: Whatever, we met when I killed my Akuma dad.

LENALEE: ...Ok, that sucks.

ANIME: Well not really, what came after i e.

ME: Anime-kun, would you do the honours to NOT BELITTLE ALLEN'S TRAUMA, _THANKS_.

*flashback to a bar in Paris*

LITTLE!ALLEN: *plays with cards*

CROSS: *drinks wine*

WILD STRANGER APPEARS: *cracks his knuckles*GIVE BACK THE MONEY YOU TOOK FROM MY WOMAN!

CROSS: *calmly stands up* Nope. *runs off*

LITTLE!ALLEN: BUT MASTER! *slaps hand on mouth*

WILD STANGER: *turns to him*

LITTLE!ALLEN: I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. *runs after Cross*

CROSS: FINISH THEM! *kicks Allen back*

*strangers capture Allen*

SRTANGER: Sign this.

LITTLE!ALLEN: WTF this shit?

STRANGER: Life Insurance. It's even in English, dipshit.

LITTLE!ALLEN: You two do realise that I'm underage, right?

STRANGER: Do we appear to care?

LITTLE!ALLEN: In that case... BYE *runs off*

*scene changes to Rome or Athens?*

LITTLE!ALLEN: *digs* Maybe... maybe if I dig deep enough I'll find my will to live.

ME: Kid, could you lighten up a bit?

LITTLE!ALLEN: *looks at the camera like in Office*

*scene changes to Cross and his present gf (no, not his left hand)*

CROSS: Is that all?

LITTLE!ALLEN: Don't you want my blood or something?

CROSS: Ew, no, gross. *leaves*

*now it's legit Athens, then Kairo, then Kenya*

CROSS: Allen, I want to see a lion.

LITTLE!ALLEN: Look out on the fucking window?

CROSS: Get me one.

*in the bushes*

LITTLE!ALLEN: Why the fuck am I even doing this? ... It's behind me right? ... I guess then *runs off*

ALLEN: Figured that I'd end up dying like this sooner or later, so I learned to cheat... But it came to bite me in the ass again, since Cross used that to beat even more people.

LENALEE: Hah, lone looser.

ALLEN: ...Actually I did have a friend.

LENALEE: Here we go again.

ALLEN: He was the first friend I made.

LENALEE: And why him? What made him so special?

ALLEN: He's the anime's OC that's why.

*flashback to India where a supposedly Indian guy sits under a tree but is only like a hairbreathe darker than Allen*

ME: Someone please tell Anime-kun how tan works.

SOMEWHATBIGGERBUTSTILLQUITEYOUNG!ALLEN: Nalei, my dear believer, I require your assistance. : *limps there*

NALEI: Dafuq happened to you?

YOUNG!ALLEN: Fell of the chimney... for you. Can you fix it?

NALEI: I'm afraid you're gonna be a little shit for the rest of your life.

YOUNG!ALLEN: I meant my leg, dipshit.

NALEI: Oh, that *sets it back*

ALLEN: So, Cross was staying at the residence of a late Maharadja.

LENALEE: So they fucked.

ALLEN: Yup.

*back to the past*

ALLEN: So that Nalei was super smart wanting to be a doctor so I decided that I couldn't keep feeling sorry for myself

ME: Anime-kun, _really_?

ALLEN: So I kept working, and my master kept stealing from me, all pimp style.

YOUNG!ALLEN: Are you going to actually train me?

CROSS: Oh, so you want to train, hm?

WILD AKUMA: *appears*

CROSS: All yours.

YOUNG!ALLEN: How the fuck did you do that?

CROSS: I'm drunk as fuck, do I appear to be the least lucid? *throws Allen out to face the Akuma on his own*

ME: ?

YOUNG!ALLEN: HOW ABOUT YOU TELL ME HOW I FIGHT THESE THINGS?

CROSS: You have an Anti-Akuma weapon within you.

YOUNG!ALLEN: *stops* Oh, you're right, I only had it ever since I have memories, I completely forgot about it. *holds his hand out* IT'S NOT WORKING! *starts running again, stumbles on nothing again, is a damsel in distress again for the lolz*

*huge light*

CROSS: Useless. *leaves*

*at Nalei's*

YOUNG!ALLEN: Hey, Nal-

NALEI: *kneeling by Meena's corpse*

YOUNG!ALLEN: ...

ME: *whispers* Why do they always wear the same clothes?

*at the river (I think Ganges?)*

YOUNG!ALLEN: I brought you a flower crown that's on fire! For your sister in hell.

NALEI: Oh sooo funny *rapeface*

FIRE: *dies out*

NALEI: *creepily laughs, let's forget that only Level 2s have ego*

YOUNG!ALLEN: *his eye finally activates*

ME: ? Why with so much delay?

ALLEN: It can't be!

CROSS: That's right, he's an Akuma.

ME: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM? AND HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?

CROSS: FIGHT!

YOUNG!ALLEN: I CAN'T! I CAN'T KILL MY BEST FRIEND SLASH FIRST FOLOWER!

NALEI: *transforms*

CROSS: DON'T RUN! FINISH HIM! ONLY YOU CAN STOP HIM!

YOUNG!ALLEN: WHEN DID YOU TURN SO INSPIRATIONAL?!

CROSS: JUST DO IT!

YOUNG!ALLEN: *destroys Nalei*

CROSS: What did it feel like to destroy your first Akuma?

ME ANIME: WHAT WAS ALLEN'S DAD TO YOU?! A PILE OF DOGSHIT FORGOTTEN ON THE ROADSIDE?

CROSS: You did surprisingly well.

YOUNG!ALLEN: I'm getting very mixed signs from you.

ALLEN: And after that he kept kicking me to fight in his stead. As you can see he's a piece of-

WOMEN: AWESOMENESS!

ALLEN: ...You're kidding right? There's no way that you're into such imbecile right? There's no way how this anime had just generalised women in the plainest way ever right?

ANIME: *smirks*

END OF 27TH NIGHT


	28. 28th Night

Whoa, I haven't realised so much time has passed. Oh wait, I know why, watching fillers feel like torture. Thank you **Kittenanimegirl13** and **Elyan** **White** for reviewing, it always brings smile to my face.

28th Night - Fuck facts, we'll do whatever the fuck we want

KRORY: FINALLY~! I GET TO HAVE SOME SCREENTIME TOO~!

TOMATO: Why the fuck do I have to be here again? Are we so low of anime staff that I have to pop up every single time? *to Krory* Could you stop being so gay?

KRORY: Nope.

TOMATO: *sigh* You're gonna attrack the bears.

KRORY: You mean to say...

TOMATO: No. Don't you fucking dare-

KRORY: that they'll _come_ for me?

TOMATO: *dying whisper* Why? This is the worst.

WILD LAVI&BOOKMAN: *appear*

TOMATO: *looks into the camera like in office*

KRORY: Apparently people have gone missing. And I _came_ to help. I'll solve this case and get my own worshippers!

LAVI: *inhales*

KRORY: THE VILLAGE IS THERE! *runs off*

LAVI: ...This guy's martyr complex rivals the Beansprout's.

*in the village*

BOOKMAN: How beautiful that stained glass is.

KRORY: Did you see anything unusual?

KID: Not until you came.

KRORY: Yes, I did. *smiles*

KID: We have a Beast at our house, please this way.

*at the house*

KID: Dad, these people came for the beast.

DAD: BEAST!

BEAST: Yeah?

EXORCISTS: AKUMA!

VILLAGERS: NOPE WE WON'T LET YOU HURT HIM HE'S A CINNAMON ROLL!

KRORY&BOOKMAN: True. *step back*

LAVI: But he's a killing machine!

VILLAGERS: We know better, we live with him!

LAVI: Whatever I'm killing it!

KRORY: NO YOU CAN'T LOOK AT HIM! HE'S SO CUTE AND PURE! LIKE ELIADE!

LAVI: DUDE, WTF? IF WE DON'T KILL HIM NOW IT'LL BE TOO LATE WHEN SHIT HITS THE FAN!

VILLAGER: GUUUYS! IT'S THE OTHER VILLAGE THIS TIME!

*in the other village*

BOOKMAN: It's Akuma attack.

LAVI: What was I saying? Let's kill it! But noooo! You know better than someone in the trade for years!

EVERYONE: Shut your face.

*back in the original village*

LAVI: Where was the Akuma yesterday?

VILLAGER: It was working with us until sunset, then went to sleep in the shed. Now sod off.

LAVI: Rude.

KRORY: HOW CAN YOU SUSPECT IT, IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION. I'LL PROVE IT!

*in the evening*

LAVI: Ok, the villagers decided to keep watch, while we watch the perimeters, you folow the Akuma, Toma and hope not to get killed since unlike us you can't protect yourself.

TOMATO: Gee thanks. *follows the Akuma anyways*

*at the shed*

AKUMA: WHEN WILL YOU BE WHERE THE BLOODLUST STRIKES? *sets off to annihilate another village*

KRORY&BOOKMAN: Ooops.

LAVI: THERE'S A WOMAN STUCK UNDER THE BURNING DEBRIS! DON'T WORRY, I'M HOTTER THAN ANY FIRE SO IMMA GONNA TOUCH THESE FLAMES.

*shadows shift*

KRORY: THERE! *runs after it*

LAVI: WAIT! *drops woman*

KRORY: *reaches Akuma* FIGHT ME!

*moonlight reveals the crybaby Akuma*

KRORY: SHIT! *gets rekt*

*next day*

VILLAGERS: *move the stained glass*

LAVI: So how did it go?

TOMATO: Apparently it spent the night in the shed, but I didn't bother looking inside.

KRORY: *stares ahead depressed*

VILLAGERS: *drop the bass and with that the stained glass*

BOOKMAN: Figured it was too peaceful.

*more Akuma arrive, Lavi and Bookman fights them*

CRYBABY AKUMA: *goes wild*

KRORY: *finally notices the wound he inflicted* Hmm, it wasn't there while I looked ahead depressed. Oh well. *saves the children from getting killed* Your lord and saviour is here! Why did you betray these brats? Not that I wouldn't but I'm curious for your reasons.

LAVI: *pushes Akuma away from Krory* That's his nature. It's all been a very poor act you guys didn't notice even when I kept pointing it out. Don't forget to say sorry for all the OCs that were killed.

KRORY: NO! IT CAN'T BE! THERE ARE GOOD AKUMA! *gets hit numerous times* Ok, maybe not.

LAVI: You moron! *joins but misses the hit* Shit! The villagers are totally defenceless! It's not like I could strike again or have the old man do it! Poor OCs (not) will all die! (Hell yeah, you little shits are annoying as hell, bye.)

KRORY: I WILL SAVE THEM ALL! *destroys Akuma*

KIDS: NO, THE BEAST! IT'S NOT LIKE HE TRIED TO KILL US TWO SECONDS AGO! GIVE HIM BACK

DAD: Enough. Leave.

KRORY: *le gasp*

LAVI: Told ya.

END OF 28TH NIGHT


	29. 29th Night

Thank you to **Kittenanimegirl13** for reviewing also for everyone tagging along!

29th Night - Bitch, you thought there wasn't already enough Allena in the manga, Anime-kun riased it to the next level

*Lady Gaga's Telephone blasts in the background*

EARL: WHO THE FUCK MADE THIS FUCKING SONG THE RINGTONE?

*switches to Allen and Lenalee*

ALLEN: You again? This is supposed to be a SOLO story. About me. And my awesomeness. So I can finally recruit worshippers.

LENALEE: You can't look cool, it would ruin your character development since the anime made you whiny.

ALLEN: But how come lately I only get paired up with you?

LENALEE: Brother is convinced that you're impotent since your VA is a woman.

ALLEN:

LENALEE:

ALLEN: This place changed a lot in the last three years.

LENALEE: You liked it here? Fond memories?

ALLEN: *glances in chapter 206* *winces* No spoilers.

LENALEE: So what is this "Mother" person like? Is she nice?

ALLEN: *glances in first reverse novel* *winces again* Depends on how much the anime meddled with it again.

OC: Hi, I'm Robert, want a pair of shoes.

ALLEN: Yeah, they did, they did A LOT. *to Richard* No thanks.

RICHARD: Come back when you need one~! *waves with hammer in hand*

ALLEN: Please just bite down on that mallet.

*further they see a bunch of mourning people*

LENALEE: What's up with these Goths? Is it some festival or shit?

ALLEN: ...They're mourning. This is a funeral. *eye activates* Or not. *activates Innocence to destroy them all* They might be after Mother. She might survive. I cannot let that happen, let's go.

GIANT GUY: *gardens*

ALLEN: BABA! IS THE OLD HAG STILL ALIVE?

BABA: ALLEN! *fucking crashes into him, making him fly*

LENALEE: You kay?

ALLEN: I literally went flying, how do you think I feel?

BABA: *le gasp* MOTHER ALLEN GOT MARRIED!

ALLEN: ...So that's the damn reason you're fucking here.

*inside*

MOTHER: So you became and Exorcist.

ALLEN: You're strangely docile.

MOTHER: Can't I be a loving mother once in a while?

ALLEN: *thinks back hard*

*still thinks*

*still thinks*

MOTHER: Fuck you too.

ALLEN: Why aren't you dead already?

MOTHER: No flimsy Akuma can kick my badass arse.

ALLEN:

MOTHER: No fucking idea, now get the fuck out, I have customers.

*knocking*

MOTHER: Come in Lisa.

*Allen, Baba and Lenalee are hiding in the most visible way like what the fuck, do you guys even try*

ALLEN: Mother is usually the one to give advice to the townspeople.

LISA: Lenny can die any time.

MOTHER: Literally everyone can, duh.

ALLEN: As you can see, it doesn't always go well.

LISA: BUT I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM! I CAN'T IMAGINE A LIFE WITHOUT HIM!

MOTHER: You don't have to, it'll become reality soon. Now get the fuck out of my house, the saltwater stains the rugs. *shoves her out* I don't feel like dealing with her drama. You go console her.

*the next day*

BABA: GO FOT IT ALLEN! THREESOME WITH TWO GIRLS ARE THE BEST!

*at the town*

RICHARD: *smooches some women*

ALLEN: Ah, there it is, the stink of heteronormative bullshit.

LENALEE: Shouldn't you blush or some shit?

ALLEN: After Cross? Nah.

RICHARD: Pretty little thing ain't she?

ALLEN: Yeah, I'd kinda bang her.

LENALEE: *jealous girlfriend more on* Let's go. *drags him away*

RIHARD: She works at the hospital, if you wanna see her get sick! But not lovesick!

*in the hospital*

LISA: *puts the magical Japanese cold pad on the sick patient's forehead which is the cure whether you have a cold or a limb torn off*

LENNY: Would you go away already? I want to die in peace.

*in another place*

DOCTOR: Take him to the intensive.

KIN: I don't have the money for that.

DOCTOR: It's ok, I just want you to live.

DOCTOR#2: Che.

ANIME: This is our lot less sexier Kanda rip off.

*back to Allen*

SARA: Lenny and Lisa are this way.

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: If you keep doing things like that we'll go bankrupt.

ALLEN: *stands on the side with Lenalee by his side*

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: You're in the way *shoves Allen away*

ALLEN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, how come I got to be the one to get shoved aside?

LENALEE: I guess news about Komui travel fast.

ALLEN: ...Legit. He's still a prick though.

SARA: Yeah, he is. But we only call him Robert. The Doctor however is really good with people.

*at Lisa*

DOCTOR: *gives some really suspicious looking shit* Drink it up, it's for your own good.

LENNY: *gulps it down before hacking*

DOCTOR: Lisa, come with me. *away* He's got like a day or two.

ME: Really good with people my ass.

*Allen and co. are ofc withness to this*

ALLEN: *to Sara* Errr, give this to her *hands over bouquet* I have no idea what to tell her, it's not like I've been through the same shit. Just pretend that I never comforted Krory, WHY WOULD I BE ACUTALLY USEFUL ANYWAY? *glares at anime*

ANIME: *flips the bird*

*outside*

LENALEE: This sucks shit yo. *covers eyes*

ALLEN: I know.

*wild carriage appears*

ALLEN: Bitch, keep your eyes open!

VOICE: LOOK OUT RICHARD

RICHARD: *dies*

ALLEN: Everyone in this goddamn show dies of carriage accidents?

*in the hospital*

DOCTOR:

SARA: *cries*

LENALEE: *inhales*

SARA: No. No lesbian ships.

DOCTOR: Come with me.

LISA: *starts crying too* What am I to do?

LENALEE: Stay strong or whatever.

ALLEN: Yeah, you have us, random strangers with you, no need to worry.

LISA: *crushes on him so hard*

*next morning*

ALLEN: Ok, she's doing better, let's leave NOW.

LISA: I feel much better, thank you~

LENNY: *starts coughing again*

LISA: LIES

*outside yet another funeral*

ALLEN: *looks up*

LENALEE: Sara?

ALLEN: Yup.

SARA: *transforms*

ALLEN: *defeats him/her? Let's stick to them* I'm supposed to hold a very protagonist like speech here, but too lazy to do it. Back to the hospital!

*in the hospital*

LENNY: *dies*

ALLEN: ABORT MISSION, ABORT MISSION!

END OF 29TH NIGHT


	30. 30th Night

Finals are drawing closer AND THEY'RE KILLING ME

Thank you for **Kittenanimegirl13**! Tim is with Baba I think, the anime left him out. Thanks for the follows and faves.

30th Night - And here one of the reasons why I'm salty at the anime, they missed the fucking point of this Reverse Novel, read it kids

ALLEN&LENALEE: *runs to the hospital*

BABA: *stands there crying* ALLEN! *knocks him over once again*

LENALEE: Dead yet?

ALLEN: You wish. *collects himself* What happened?

*in Lenny's room but Lenny's nowhere*

ALLEN: Well, this sucks.

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: What you doing here? Outta here.

ALLEN: You're trying way too hard, there won't be any gay ships with you if you keep this up.

RANDOM OLD NURSE: Here you are, come with me, this episode is getting too much Allena vibes.

LENALEE: Lol, k.

ALLEN: Bye, don't come back ever!

*in the mortgage*

LISA: *cries*

ALLEN: *shows up and listens from the doorway* I'm here to offer you my divine guidance.

DOCTOR: Did you decide about the think I talked to you about?

ALLEN: I'm here you know.

DOCTOR: !

LISA: Oh, it's you.

ALLEN: I came to save you.

DOCTOR: Leave and leave her alone.

ALLEN:

DOCTOR: Just go already.

LISA: He can stay.

DOCTOR: Fine, but think it over. *leaves*

*at Baba*

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: Why you still here? Get out *shoves him out*

*Lenalee and a random nurse lay down patient*

LENALEE: What's up in his ass today?

NURSE: Some loan shark is after him.

*in the hallway*

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: Yeah, I'll get the money just stop comng over!

ANIME: *rips off Allen's scene of eavesdropping the Doctor to have it played by Lenalee and OC-chan No. 4563 because fuck Allen's character development*

*in Nurse's room*

LENALEE: You've been around for long?

NURSE: Nah, this place was built 2 years ago and got expanded 6 months ago.

LENALEE: *thinks* So there's a broker here.

*to Allen and Lisa*

ALLEN: Well, it seems we won't go on date as originally planned, but I'm here for you.

LISA: I loved his smile. *flashback to see an already half-dead looking Lenny* He had a pneumonia but it escalated into this.

LENALEE: I'm coming in don't dare you have sex, I'm the only female character that can be shipped with anyone. *stops in the doorway unnoticed*

ALLEN: When the most important person I had died I cried for a whole night. But that was actually the good part, as you can see in chapter 206 I became dead inside.

LISA: Who was it?

ALLEN: Mana.

LISA: You seriously cried because your RPG character died?

ALLEN: He was my dad.

LENALEE: *once again overhears Allen's back story and magically forgets it later*

LISA: How did you cope.

ALLEN: LOL, I didn't I'm still dead on the inside, you just get used to it. You however, you still haven't gone down on that path and I can stop you before you become like me.

LISA: ...How did a crack retelling get so serious all of sudden?

ALLEN: Beats me. But he lives on within me you know.

LISA: This is the sappiest consolation I ever heard.

ALLEN: Oh, I mean literally, I have a piece of his soul tucked into my brain that can float out like a grotesque Jack in the Box. Cool eh?

LENALEE: This is so fucking boring, can I have back the screentime I rightfully stole?

*flicker in the shadows*

LENALEE: It's time to go Sherlock Lee!

HUSHED VOICE: YIS I PROMSE PLS!

*next day on the funeral*

ALLEN: *smiles creepily* After this Imma gonna have that booty... and a new follower.

LENALEE: That's boring let's get back to me!

*back in the hospital*

HEAD NURSE: Dafuq?

THE NURSE LENALEE COSPLAYED AS: Sorry, thought I'd start today.

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: Then who's that woman?

SHERLOCK LEE: How the fuck did they fart here a hospital if they don't take money?

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: Who the fuck are you?

SHERLOCK LEE: CRAP, ABORT MISSION!

*Allen and Lisa return to the hospital with Baba so you won't even DREAM that they were left alone for more than a few minutes*

ALLEN: Bruh, ever heard of quickies?

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: COME BACK!

SHERLOCK LEE: LOL, Nope, if you want to rule 34 with me catch me first. Come on, I'm even making this easier for you, I didn't activate my Innocence so you could take it!

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: Errr

outside*

LISA: *reads the letter Lenny left her*

DOCTOR: So you're here. Come, you need my counseling.

*in the hallway*

WILD WOMAN: *appears*

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: *shoves her away*

SHERLOCK LEE: *hero mode on*

ALLEN'S EYE: *activates*

WILD WOMAN: *transforms into Level 1*

LENALEE: Oh, look, there are strom clouds on the ceiling.

OUR LOT LESS SEXIER KANDA RIPOFF: WOULD'T IT BE MORE IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

LENALEE: Oh, an Akuma.

ALLEN: *jumpes in through the window* BLITZKRIEG BITCH *destroys Akuma*

*several more pops up*

ALLEN: I've seen that cumming.

*somewhere within the hospital, where strangely enough no one hears the sound of gunshots*

DOCTOR: He loved you so much, don't you want to see him?

*back to Allen and Lenalee*

LENALEE: The Doctor is the broker!

ALLEN: Yeah, I know, originally I was the one to investigate it.

LENALEE: *takes on sunglasses* Case closed.

ALLEN: Well-

LENALEE: I SAID CASE CLOSED!

*they find the room but it's locked*

DOCTOR: You can see him again, you just need to call back his soul.

ALLEN: *rolls eyes* Call back the soul? Where did I hear that before? *looks into the camera like in Office*

LISA: I want to see him. BUT! HE LIVES WITHIN ME!

DOCTOR: What the fuck? Nevermind, I'm just gonna force you *knocks her out with chloroform* I won't let my efforts go to waste, not after I slowly killed that guy and made you two fall in love.

ALLEN: *blasts the door in* God is here, you little bitch. I'm here to strangle you.

LENALEE: No you can't!

ALLEN: Bitch, this goddamn anime already took MY screentime AND date away, another girl I could be shipped with BUT NOOO! Nothing must stay in the way of Allena!

LENALEE: Exactly, stay here on you ass, no one cares about you when I'm here.

ALLEN: You do know that if you stopped me from killing the guy when he was on the brink of death, by saying typical shounen bullshit like "you can't do this, you're the gooy guy", then Allena would actually sail?

LENALEE: *considers it*

MOTHER: Okay, I had enough of you dumb fucks.

DOCTOR: *points gun at her*

MOTHER: That's cute. *walks over and kicks him into oblivion*

*and the rest of the story is like a badly written sitcom like what the fuck, where the hell did Allen's character development go, where's his struggle over whether he has the right to kill or not, you fucked up great deal this time anime*

END OF 30 NIGHT


	31. 31st Night

It's been forever. You guys surely know but the anime comes on the 25th of June, just making sure you know. Thank you for the continued support.

31st Night - The episode when you start questioning whether these guys actually take the war seriously

*on a railway station*

MIRANDA: Ok, where the fuck am I?

*at the Order*

LENALEE: The unlucky woman is lost?

TOMATO: Yes, we lost sight of her here, here and here.

ME: You like, pointed at Finland, the USA and China, how can you lose one person in 3 different continents?

KOMUI: Yes, many Exorcist went MIA.

ME: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GUYS INTEND TO WIN A WAR IF YOU LET YOUR SOLDIERS GO MIA SO EASILY?

LENALEE: I'll go look for her.

KOMUI: Through the whole world?

LENALEE: Beats staying with you.

*back to Miranda*

MIRANDA: Where the fuck are these fucks? Maybe I can ask someone where the Order is?

*flashback*

TOMATO: Don't talk about the Order to civilians.

ME: SO IT'S YOUR FAULT AFTER ALL?

*end of flashback*

RANDOM PERSON: *runs into Miranda to steal her purse*

MIRANDA: God fucking- *attempts running after him but fails miserably*

KIDS: U K?

*in a cart*

CONCUBINES: So you came here, to London, all the way from Germany to go to a place that's in France?

MIRANDA: What can I say, I had a shitty guide who ditched me.

CONCUBINES: Rude.

MIRANDA: But I had time to perfect my theme song:

Miranda, Miranda, savage Miranda

Cruel, Ruthless and Bloodthirsty

No matter whether you run or hide

She'll get your fucking ass any time

EVERYONE: *shudders*

KIDS: W-what is that thing next to you?

MIRANDA: Oh~ That's my c(l)ock of course~ *caresses it*

KIDS: But that's a huge dil-

CONCUBINES: MIRANDA PLS SING THAT THEME SONG AGAIN WITH EVERYONE!

MIRANDA: OK!

*later*

MIRANDA: Let me help you hand out those.

KIDS: No.

MIRANDA: LET MEEEE~

KIDS: No *quieter this time*

MIRANDA: *plays tug wars with the flying which then fly out of her grasp - oh the pun*

WIFE: Help me cooking.

MIRANDA: COMING! *sets everything on fire accidentally* Ooops.

*scene change*

ME: Oh look, it's Moor!

MOOR: What were you trying to do?

MIRANDA: Offer a sacrifice.

MOOR: You accidentally set the whole thing on fire didn't you?

MIRANDA: GOTTA GO SATAN CALLS WITH ANGST *drops paper*

MOOR: You dropped this- Wait, the Black Order? You're an Exorcist, like Allen?

MIRANDA: You know him?

MOOR: Unfortunately. *winks* If you need anything call me.

*yet another crack lesbian ship is made*

WIFE: There is another way you can help us!

*on the stage*

HUSBAND: Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight I'll present you the stabbed lady! With Miranda!

MIRANDA: *climbs in the box*

HUSBAND: I SHALL STAB YOU KNOW!

C(L)OCK: *gets jelly and starts rewinding time over and over again*

*later*

MIRANDA: I'm not fit to be an Exorcist, I should stay. What do you think?

WILD AKUMA APPEAR

MIRANDA: Fiugred.

AKUMA: *attack*

MOOR: I'M COMNG TO PROTECT YOU! *shoots at Akuma*

BULLETS: *are not very effective*

MOOR: ... I forgot *dodges shots*

MIRANDA: HEY, OVER HERE, YOU WANT ME DON'T YOU? HERE'S THE INNOCENCE, COME FOLLOW ME! *into the woods*

AKUMA: *keep missing*

MIRANDA: *stumbles and rolls down on the hill*

MOOR: *appears on a bike* COME! THIS SHIP IS FRAGILE BUT IT CAN STILL SAIL!

MIRANDA: I'M NOT LEAVING MY C(L)OCK BEHIND!

MOOR: *gets hurt from nothing* RUN! IF I CAN'T BE WITH YOU AT LEAST LET ME GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU!

MIRANDA: SERIOUSLY FUCK OFF! *activates c(l)ock and rewinds like 3 times before she runs out of fuel* Well shit.

LENALEE: TO THE RESCUE! IT'S TIME FOR ME TO SHINE!

MIRANDA: Not you again!

LENALEE: *defeats the Akuma*

MIRANDA: How on earth did you find me?

LENALEE: The lesbian vibes are strong within you.

MIRANDA: FOR ME ONLY THIS C(L)OCK EXISTS!

LENALEE: Ok, bye then.

*in HQ*

LENALEE: ...You lost her again?

KOMUI: Yup.

LENALEE: She took a break then disappeared.

ME: SERIOUSLY HOW DO YOU WANT TO WIN THE WAR IF YOU KEEP LOSING EXORCISTS LIKE THAT! WAIT WHY DO YOU ASK IF YOU KNOW? *gasp* DID _YOU_ DO IT?

LENALEE: Oh look there she is, I'm going to save her!

ME: YOU'RE STILL NOT OFF THE HOOK!

END OF 31ST NIGHT


	32. 32nd Night

Sorry for being so late but I was really unmotivated lately and these episodes make me want to cringe, who thought this was okay?!

Thank you for **Kittenanimegirl13** for reviewing, and I apologize, but it seems the new episode will come out on the 4th of July.

32nd Night - In which Allen sinks a pirate ship for destroying his only functioning ship which was Parental!Yeegar&Allen.

ALLEN: No ferry?

FISHERMAN OR WHOEVER: Nope. It sank. You know, the "queers must die" is a trend these days.

BUNCH OF BRATS: THE PIRATES DID IIIT!

FISHERMAN OR WHOEVER: STFU WE DON'T NEED DISNEY ON OUR ARSE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STOP COPYING PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN! *runs at them with a broom*

ALLEN: ...Where the hell did I end up?

*at an inn*

COOK/RECEPTIONIST: Yeah, we have free room, choose whichever you like.

BUNCH OF BRATS: *now attempt to imitate Pink Panther*

COOK/RECEPTIONIST: Do you even try? *hits on leader's hand*

BUNCH OF BRATS: Don't tell us what to do! *kicks him then moves to grab the apple*

COOK/RECEPTIONIST: *hits on them literally*

BUNCH OF BRATS: Ok, we're gone bye.

COOK/RECEPTIONIST: Brats.

*scene changes to Allen who for some reason does his workout outside when he has a room for himself - seriously Allen wtf?*

BUNCH OF BRATS: Damn, we almost got it, but we still lack something.

ALLEN: A backbone maybe?

BUNCH OF BRATS: Nah, we need a new member and you're perfectly fit to the role!

GUY WITH SCARF ON HIS HEAD: Whirlwind Archie!

GUY WITH A SCARF AROUND HIS NECK: Hurricane Bob!

GUY WITH THE HOODIE: Cheetah, the Stomach!

GUY WITH THE GLASSES: Calculator Dan!

GUY WITH THE BOWL HAIR: Eagle-Eye Eric!

BUNCH OF BRATS: TOGETHER WE ARE THE PIRATE RANGERS!

ALLEN: No thanks, I don't follow anyone, I'm the one who's followed.

BUNCH OF BRATS: *kidnap Timcanpy* Join us if you want it back. If we win you're ours.

ALLEN: But if I win you leave me the fuck alone because you brats piss me off.

ARCHIE: Deal.

DAN: First, a running contest! Can you keep up with me the fastest runner in the-

ALLEN: *runs by him casually* Yes.

DAN: *throws Tim at Cheetah*

CHEETAH: We mean an eating conte-

ALLEN: *eats them out of their supplies* Seconds please.

CHEETAH: *throws Tim at Dan*

DAN: OUTSMART ME! 58+25 IS-

ALLEN: 83.

DAN: *throws Tim at Eric* Defeat me in a staring contest

*censored*

DAN: *throws Tim at Archie trembling*

ARCHIE: *jumps into the sea* OUTSWIM ME-! *starts choking and sinks*

ALLEN:*saves him* Did anyone see how awesome I was?

*no one is near*

ALLEN: *takes Tim and pushes the brat back into the sea*

*out in the sea... there's actually a plot. A shitty one, but it's something*

*back in the inn Allen, Archie and his dad eat*

ARCHIE: This tastes like shit.

HIS DAD: Then don't eat it, duh.

ARCHIE: *storms away*

HIS DAD: I'm sorry, you surely wonder what may have gotten into him. Do you want me to tell you?

ALLEN: No.

HIS DAD: Ok.

*in a cave*

ALLEN: What did you call me here for? Don't tell me you built me a temple?

ARCHIE: No, we're building a ship! *points at raft*

ALLEN: ...

ARCHIE: We wanna fight the pirate ship that sinks other ships!

ALLEN: Ok kids, get back into the kiddie pool, let grownups handle this.

ARCHIE: GTFO!

*the next day*

DAD: I'm sorry that my kid isn't here, even though you spent the entire day with him yesterday.

ALLEN: Good riddance if you ask me. *leaves*

*at the port*

ALLEN: Finally I can leave this-

DAD: ARCHIE COME BACK YOU LITTLE SHIT!

*Akuma boat appears and attacks incoming ship*

ALLEN: I guess not.

BUNCH OF BRATS: *try to fight an entire ship with a single bomb firework whatever*

AKUMA: *fires at them*

ALLEN: *catches bullets* You'd deserve to die but that would make my job harder.

AKUMA: *starts firing at the ship*

ALLEN: Oh, how I wish I had a canon! It's not like my arm transformed into one about 30 episodes ago!

ANIME: Budget cuts+must contain everyone, we didn't create these OCs for nothing. Look, they're having a moment!

ARCHIE: DAD don't die!

DAD: I won't, I have to look after you, I promised your mom.

ARCHIE: *le gasp* Is that why you quit sailing? The passion you loved? For me?

ANIME: And now! For the glory of teamwork, let's wreck the philosophy of this show, that only the ones with Innocence stand a chance!

BUNCH OF BRATS: *fire another useless missile*

ANIME: You can have your canon back, Allen.

ALLEN: *shoots the fuck out of the Akuma* Finally I can leave this hellhole.

END OF 32ND NIGHT


	33. 33rd Night

Now that school is finally over I can dedicate more time to fooling around. Hallow is here in a few days, brace yourselves. Thanks for reading, please review.

33rd Night - Finally we get a break and have something out of Hoshino's hands and to be honest, the anime did good to this Reverse Novel

*after the interlude with Miranda and Lenalee off to Kanda!*

KANDA: *stands in the middle of some town, looking at a hand-drawn map* What the fuck is this shit? I can't read it. Fuck you, Daisya.

*leaves the town for Alzheimer*

*at a crossroad wild old lady appears*

OLD LADY: I wouldn't if I were you. But it's that way. But I wouldn't if I were you.

KANDA: Thanks.

OLD MAN: I WOULDN'T IF I WERE YOU! THREE WHITE-COATED MAN WENT THERE AND THEY NEVER RETURNED! I WOULDN'T IT I WERE YOU!

KANDA: *doesn't give a damn*

*in the forest wild lumberjack appears screaming to increase battlepower with 40*

KANDA: *hits him with the hilt of his sword*

LUMBERJACK: *transforms into Akuma*

KANDA: *slices it apart* So it was an Akuma. Was. *whips around* Just like you will be was!

FINDER: ...

KANDA: ...

FINDER: ...

KANDA: Pretend this never happened, or you WILL be WAS!

FINDER: Yessir. Please call me Goz.

KANDA: *turns to leave*

GOZ: Wait, didn't you come to take care of the Akuma in the village?

KANDA: No. Go back, there will be another Exorcist to take care of it.

GOZ: NO WAIT PLS!

KANDA: *starts running to lose him*

GOZ: *keeps up with him*

KANDA: How are you so fast?

GOZ: I used to be a football player before I joined the Order.

KANDA: Would you get lost?

GOZ: No.

KANDA: *stops abruptly*

GOZ: WILL YOU ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST?!

*random men appear*

GOZ: DO ALL OF YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIENDS?!

RANDOM MEN: *transform into Akuma*

GOZ: ABORT! ABORT!

KANDA: Innocence activate! *slaughters them all except for one*

AKUMA: Stop! I have a captive!

KANDA: And? *attacks*

AKUMA: *pushes away Goz*

*Goz and Kanda dance a KanDance before collapsing*

KANDA: *in a monotone voice* Wow, that was so wild.

*in the village everyone cowers from Bloody Kanda, so Goz insists to wash it*

GOZ: What a noble thing I can do for my friend~! Now let's go on an adventure~!

KANDA: No.

GOZ: What is that small cottage? Creepy af.

KANDA: *notices a girl by the lake*

GOZ: Hullo, little girl, did anyone suspicious come?

GIRL: Yeah, you.

KANDA: *is ready to retort but sees the beyootiful flowerz and inhales* Lotusez.

GIRL: I've never seen them before.

KANDA: Yeah, they can sleep for hundreds of years before blooming.

GIRL: But they're dieing.

KANDA: No, they'll bloom again tomorrow.

GIRL: Why do you care about comforting me so much?

KANDA: I don't, I only care about the flowers, I'm lotussexual.

GIRL: Wanna come over?

KANDA: No.

GIRL: I have lotus flowers.

KANDA: Sign me the fuck up.

*in a cottage*

KANDA: This isn't lotus. *eats food anyways*

GOZ: So is there a witch here or not?

OLD MAN: Oh look at the time, time for me to go to sleep, bye!

SOPHIA: Dipshit believes in witches. That they lived in that cottage. There was one old woman there about a month ago-

GOZ: OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM *stops* Sorry.

SOPHIA: Here.

GOZ: JELLY BEANS?! MARRY ME PLS!

KANDA: Get a room.

SOPHIA: *leads them upstairs*

KANDA: Oh my god... I didn't... staph... plz

GOZ: Goodnight. *passes out snoring loudly*

KANDA: *stares ahead*

*romantic music in the background then a lotus which's petals fall at once*

KANDA: *wakes up screaming *NO NOT MY FLOWERZ!

GOZ: *is gone*

KANDA: How dare he leave! I'm the one leaving others behind you little shit! *follows Goz through the jelly bean track*

THE AKUMA THAT GOT AWAY: *appears*

KANDA: Why do you kill the people who get near the village?

THE AKUMA THAT GOT AWAY: Orders.

KANDA: *cuts it down* Not sorry.

THE AKUMA THAT GOT AWAY: I am *explodes*

KANDA: ...What?

END OF 33RD NIGHT


	34. 34th Night

The first episode of Hallow is out, I wonder if I finish this before the end of the new anime.

Thank you very much Guest, for reviewing! And thank you for everyone who's favourited, followed or just reading!

34th Night - I, Me and Myself with a twist

KANDA: *bursts in the cottage*

OLD MAN: *is tying up Goz*

KANDA: JFC, what kind of kinky sex scene is this, this is a kid's show!

OLD MAN: You sliced up like a dozen of Akuma in the last episode

KANDA: It's important that kids learn what happens to them if they mess with me. *frees Goz*

GOZ: It's okay, Mister Kanda, I came here on my own when I chased a steak~

KANDA: ...

OLD MAN: If you want to leave, go that way. Get out. Run. Don't turn back.

KANDA: Dafuq?

OLD MAN: If I could I'd go with you.

KANDA: Thank god.

OLD MAN: *throws away staff to latch on Kanda* PLS TAKE ME WITH YOU!

KANDA: DON'T CALL ME ON MY FIRST NAME AND QUIT TRYING TO FEEL ME UP, I'M NOT READY FOR THAT LEVEL OF COMMITMENT. Now tell me where the hell is that witch.

OLD MAN: *is gone*

GOZ: He disappeared?!

OLD MAN: *screams in the distance*

KANDA: How? *sees the old man stabbed by a Level 1, so he destroys it*

OLD MAN: Forgive me. *turns into dust*

KANDA: Let's go.

*back in the village they spot Sophia standing in the middle of the road*

KANDA: Your dad is dead, he was killed by an Akuma when he tried to run from this village. Are you the bitch- I mean witch BTW?

GOZ: Wow, so much tact.

KANDA: STFU.

SOPHIA: No, I'm not. In this village there's a legend that a witch lives here given only the barest of necessities and gets blamed for all the bullshit that happens in this shitville.

GOZ: What an ass thing to do.

SOPHIA: IKR? And then, the old witch died.

GOZ: SHITE. But that's the end, I guess?

KANDA: You dumbass, it's a tradition, it means there's going to be a new witch chosen.

SOPHIA: That's right, once the old woman died my sister, Angela was chosen. But unlike me she was sick so she died soon. I died.

KANDA: WOT?

GOZ: THAT'S SO SAD!

KANDA: WAIT A- "I" died?

SOPHIA (?): Sophia came home the day after I died.

GOZ: Wait what?

KANDA: Can't you tell, idiot? Sophia was visited by the Earl. This woman is Angela wearing Sophia's skin.

GOZ: NUUUU *starts crying*

SOPHIA: You're kind but there's no need to cry. I called myself back from the grave and gave my own life for it. I killed myself and became myself again.

GOZ: Ok, this is too complicated, someone plz exlain?

KANDA: Sophia and Angela merged into a single Akuma. And all the villagers are Akuma.

VILLAGERS: *show up to prove a point*

GOZ: YOU'RE? ACTUALLY SMART? *to Angela/Sophia* AND YOU? TURNED EVERYONE INTO AKUMA?

SOPHIANGELA: Yeah, got a problem with it?

GOZ: No, in fact, I think that's pretty fucking badass, you go girl.

KANDA: Are you fucking done? Because I am.

SOPHIANGELA: Yup. Attack!

LEVEL 1S: *shoot Kanda*

KANDA: *twirls around and slices the bullets apart* Olé!

GOZ: Sir, we're in Germany, not Spain.

KANDA: Hide if you don't want to die.

GOZ: Yessir. *dodges behind barrels*

KANDA: *defeats Level 1s, but notices that Goz is about to get killed* No, he can't die, not before I insulted him! *jumps in to save him from incoming bullets*

GOZ: NUUUU, MISTER KANDA!

KANDA: I'm fine, don't worry about me, hide.

GOZ: ? HE'S SO NICE? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

KANDA: I'm high af. *destroys remaining Level 1s* Oh, BTW I forgot to tell you that when your dad died he begged for forgiveness.

SOPHIANGELA: Like I care.

KANDA: Neither do I.

SOPHIANGELA: I'm glad we agree on one thing. Now, IT'S TIME FOR MY MAJOU SHOUJO TRANSFORMATION!

*in the distance*

LENALEE: BITCH, THAT'S MY FUCKING LINE!

SOPHIANGELA: I DON'T SEE YOUR NAME WRITTEN ON IT BITCH!

LENALEE: FUUU- KANDA KILL THAT CUNT!

KANDA: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO- OMFG YOU'RE FUCKING UGLY!

SOPHIANGELA: Function over form, bitch, tell your designers! *uses ability on Kanda*

*scene changes*

KANDA: My room?

LOTUS IN THE GLASS: *wilt*

KANDA: My... preshus flower... It can't be... That's right, I'm in the middle of a fight, it can't be! *slashes SophiAngela*

SOPHIANGELA: How?

KANDA: That was only a fragment of my deepest desire, you have no idea what that flower's death means to me or what my true desire is.

SOPHIANGELA: Then what... is your deepest desire?

KANDA: More flowers, duh.

SOPHIANGELA: I see, you're simply too gay for me to comprehend. *falls to the ground*

GOZ: SOPHIA!

SOPHIANGELA: DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!

KANDA: ? Why does she care? If he dies?

GOZ: I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE. PLEASE ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST!

SOPHIANGELA: No. *turns to dust*

*in the morning*

GOZ: Sophia... Angela...

KANDA: In the Order there's this idiot Beansprout, who I absolutely do not care about, who says he can see the souls of the Akuma, and according to him the soul within gets freed and purified.

GOZ: THEN THAT MEANS THAT SPOPHIA AND ANGELA WERE SAVED?!

KANDA: Hell if I know, it's just what he says. I'm leaving, you go home.

GOZ: NUUU, YOU STILL HAVEN'T ACCEPTED BY FRIEND REQUEST!

KANDA: Keep it.

*scene changes to an incoming Lenalee*

LENALEE: *stops when she sees Goz*

GOZ: Mission complete, there's no Innocence and the Akuma were destroyed.

LENALEE: ? YOU DID THAT ALL ON YOUR OWN?

GOZ: ...Do I look like an Exorcist? Please, tell me you're just pretending and you're not this dumb.

*scene changes to a pub*

DAISYA: You took forever.

KANDA: ...

DAISYA: Did something good happen? Whenever it does you force that default look on your face.

KANDA: No.

DAISYA: Yeah, right.

END OF 34TH NIGHT


	35. 35th Night

For some strange reason people actually read. Thanks for sticking around.

35th Night - We get to know a prick who's actually a softie on inside, alias this definitely doesn't smell like to those teen movies that says fuck the status quo

KOMUI: So there's no Innocence in Dankern. Go to Spain as planned and tell the finder to go on his own.

LENALEE: Go to the boarder, another Exorcist will wait you there.

GOZ: Not this shit again. *grabs her by the hand* Please escort me!

LENALEE: You might want to let go, my brother might smell you on me, even from this distance.

GOZ: I won't have the chance to be hunted down if I'm already killed in the Black Forest. Escort me. PLS.

LENALEE: *sigh* Fine.

*in the black forest wolfes whistle*

GOZ: YOU WON'T HAVE MY ASS! *runs off*

LENALEE: HEY, DON'T DARE YOU THROW ME TO THE WOLVES! LITERALLY!

WILD STRANGERS: *appear and hold gun on Goz*

LENALEE: MEGA-FAST MAJOU SHOJOU TRANSFORMATION! *jumps between Goz and the strangers* In the name if the Moon, staph!

WILD STRANGERS: It's daytime.

LENALEE: Look, we don't want trouble, we just want to head to the boarder. We heard there's trouble there

WILD STRANGERS: No, duh, fucking look at us, we're from there and we lost half of our people on the way- Where is Jessica?!

*scream resounds in the woods*

WILD STRANGERS: FUCK

JESSICA: *cowers on the ground as wolves surround her*

WOLVES: *attack but get attacked during the attack*

OUR HERO, YAY: *stands there*

LENALEE: Suman!

SUMAN: I see you brought me that Finder.

GOZ: Sorry, is he an Exorcist, I really can't tell from all that distinctive silver accessory and the Rose Cross on his breast, I'm still too enamoured by him.

SUMAN: Keep him, I'm going on my own.

GOZ: RUDE.

LENALEE: Help me guard these losers until we reach the city.

SUMAN: They aren't Akuma, they're none of my concern.

LENALEE: You saved that girl what was her name again.

JESSICA: Jessica.

LENALEE: Yeah, that's cool, I don't care.

SUMAN: Neither do I, I'm going.

GOZ: *pushes Lenalee away* Out of the way woman, leave this to the experts! Are you truly going to leave them to the wolves?

WILD AKUMA: *appears*

SUMAN: You're one incredibly lucky guy. Innocence activate!

LENALEE: IT'S TIME FOR MY PROPERLY DONE MAJOU SHOUJO TRANSFORMATION!

GOZ: But you already activated.

LENALEE: I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY AWESOMENESS!

SUMAN: *kicks the Akuma's ass*

LENALEE: Let me have this one will you?! I haven't been on screen since... a whole episode! Oh wait, I was, but I WASN'T THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION!

SUMAN: Like I care.

GOZ: Now that we're out of the woods and safe, let's go back to the settlement, seeing that you actually have feelings and are actually very easy to convince, you're just a dick.

SUMAN: But I'm telling you that I don't care.

LENALEE: No worries, I will escort you.

SUMAN: Don't you get it that I won't loiter around but actually go and complete my mission?

JESSICA: Save my mom, she is sick and was left behind.

SUMAN: I didn't become an Exorcist to help the weak.

JESSICA: I have money.

SUMAN: I'm yours.

GOZ: What a dick.

*teleports back to the settlement*

JESSICA: MOM!

JESSICA'S MOM: What? Are you doing here? I thought I sent you off?

GOZ: Yeah, but it's gonna be ok now, let's go.

SUMAN: No, night is too near, we won't make out in time.

*Goz and Jessica play poker while Suman is looking at a golden watch outside*

LENALEE: Watcha doing?

SUMAN: There's still time until shift, get lost.

LENALEE: Do you regret joining the Order?

SUMAN: Do you even listen to me?

LENALEE: I was taken to the Order by force.

SUMAN: Here we fucking go again.

LENALEE: Until my brother came for me it felt like a prison.

SUMAN: I thought we unlocked your tragic backstory at the Rewinding Town?

LENALEE: You might not care for those people but to me they are family.

SUMAN: And why? Would I care?

GOZ: Sorry.

SUMAN: THANK GOD YOU CAME.

GOZ: Your friend request have been revoked. Actually Jessica wanted to talk to you.

JESSICA: *waves around chess piece*

SUMAN: Ok, let's play. You're fucking going down, brat.

*inside*

SUMAN: *is getting his ass handled to him* EFFING HOW?

WILD WOLVES: *attack through the window*

SUMAN: MY SAVING GRACE *handles their asses to them*

AKUMA WOLVES: You shall not pass.

SUMAN: We don't even want to go anywhere.

AKUMA WOLVES: *abduct Jessica*

SUMAN: GFDI LENALEE WHY DID YOU LET THEM TAKE HER?

LENALEE: SO I CAN LOOK MORE BADASS AS I SAVE HER!

AKUMA WOLF: *bats her away*

SUMAN: ... *defeats them*

LENALEE: It's our victory!

*in the city*

JESSICA'S MOM: Thanks for everything.

SUMAN: Sorry for the inconvenience. *gives the money back*

JESSICA: WOT

SUMAN: Believe, I'd love to keep it but somehow I must redeem my assholeness or people will question how could I become an Apostle of God or whatnot.

END OF 35TH NIGHT


	36. 36th Night

Thank you very much for reviewing **WinterYule, Guest** and **Elyan White**.

36th Night - There are cases where the supposedly more evil is the lesser evil

ALLEN: Tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, fucking trees everywhere.

LENALEE: It's your fault for sleeping.

ALLEN: *rockets into Lenalee's chest, as if there wasn't enough fanservice to begin with*

LENALEE: NO, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS LEVEL OF COMMITMENT, KISS THIS BRIEFCASE INSTEAD

*train jerks to halt and the break distance was pretty damn short for a hundred tons monstrosity, next time don't loiter between the rails or Choo Choo motherfucker*

CONDUCTIONER: Would you get your shitty cart out of the way?

PERSON: Once we killed everyone *turns into Akuma and shoots at conductioner*

ALLEN: Run, bitch, run! *starts killing off Akuma*

LEVEL 2: *dances out of the way*

LENALEE: There's another group the other way!

ALLEN: Yeah, I see them.

LENALEE: ... You do?

ALLEN: Unbelievable that the anime lets me rock right? *kills off more*

LEVEL 2: Don't get cocky! *whips out huge, threatening flyflapper*

ALLEN: *jumps out of the way like any human with a functional brain-*

ANIME: No, he doesn't.

ALLEN: I don't get paid enough for this shit *gets caught* Oh, wow, I'm so trapped, who will save me?

LENALEE: *kicks Akuma away* FOR THE GLORY OF ALLENA AND STRAIGHT SHIPS!

ALLEN: *destroys Akuma*

LENALEE: Finally over!

*more Akuma appear*

LENALEE: Could you fucking not?

*at night*

LENALEE: Just what the hell was that back then, why were there so many Akuma?

ALLEN: I'm hungry.

LENALEE: What?

ALLEN: I'm hungry.

LENALEE: Yeah, me too.

ALLEN: I'm hungry.

LENALEE: That's nice but it won't help the investigation.

ALLEN: I'm hungry.

LENALEE: Do you even listen to what I say?

ALLEN: I'm hungry.

LENALEE: ...Go to sleep before I kick you.

*later*

LENALEE: Wake the fuck up, someone's coming!

ALLEN: Are they edible?

*finders pass*

ALLEN: Shoot. On second thought...

*three finders later*

FINDER: Will you spare the rest of us?

HANNIBALLEN: Someone needs to show me the way.

LENALEE: So what was that with those Akuma, there were lots of them.

DEVON: They've been attacking cities on our way and they're heading west.

ANIME: Ok, I know this is filler, but let's put some of the actual manga in here, for we left that one out, oops.

LENALEE: *in her dream of the ruined Order* Not this shit again. *spots Allen in the water* HAH! I mean oh dear godness, no! *wakes up*

*next day the bunch of hobos Allen wiped the floor with and Tyki*

EEZE: *smashes utensils together "Wake the fuck up you bunch of good for nothings" remain unsaid*

*everyone leaves for work but the phone rings with Lady Gaga Telephone blasting in the background*

TYKI: Yeah? Yeah. Ok, bye. *puts it down* Sorry guys, my secret job!

*back out our favourite dysfunctional family*

EARL: Now that everyone is here...

ROAD: Help me with my homework

*disgruntled noises*

ROAD: Do you want to live?

*utter silence*

EARL: It's time for me to shine.

*back to Allen and what's left of the Finders*

DEVON: Ok, we're here, goodbye.

HANNIBALLEN: But-

DEVON: No thanks, Skülla.

*in the city*

DEVON: *gets surrounded by citizens* Clear the way.

CITIZENS: *turn into Akuma*

DEVON: COULD WE FUCKING NOT REPLAY THE FUCKING ODUSSEI? *sends signal*

AKUMA: *fire*

HANNIBALLEN AND LENALEE: *arrive and destroy them all*

HANNIBALLEN: *eyes him hungrily*

DEVON: Fucking great, I should have just died, it would have been less painful

LEVEL 2: *appears*

DEVON: Maybe there is a god after all.

*back at the Earl*

EARL: Ok, most of it is done and so am I. Now, the real reason I called you is because I'm assigning you who to kill.

ROAD: ALLEN IS MINE!

EARL: But-

ROAD: _**MINE!**_

*back the HannibAllen and what's left of his company*

DEVON: COME! *blinds an Akuma whose eyes are? Covered?*

LEVEL 2: *knocks him away*

DEVON: Could you please do a better job killing me?

HANNIBALLEN: Not a chance. *destroys Level 2*

DEVON: Fuck. Better make those Finder Sandwiches before he bites me.

END OF 36TH NIGHT


	37. 37th Night

It's been forever. Sorry, but life happens. And sorry about the extra short chapter, I'm very bad with filler episodes. Thank you guests for reviewing, thank you everone for reading!

37th Night - A flashback episode. Again

*at a sea shore*

DAISYA: Let's swim!

AKUMA: *appear*

DAISYA: Or not. *sigh* Reminds me of the day when I met Master.

*and so, the flashback starts*

MINI DAISYA: So. Fucking. Boring. *suddenly sees Tiedoll paint*

TIEDOLL: Gotta wet my whistle. *leaves*

MINI DAISYA: Yo dawng, I saw you paint a painting so I painted a painting on your painting. Ciao

TIEDOLL: *appears before him* Hullo~

MINI DAIYSA: NOPE. *tries to leave but Tiedoll keeps teleporting in his way* What kind of Back to the Past bullshit is this? Outta my way, Doc! *kicks ball at him*

TIEDOLL: *kicks back* Now let's have a meal.

MINI DAISYA: Aren't we going a bit too fast?

*in the restaurant*

TIEDOLL: Become an Exorcist.

MINI DAIYSA: You a slave trader?

TIEDOLL: You're a chosen one. My Innocence resonated with you.

MINI DAISYA: Is that what you call boner these days?

TIEDOLL: Come with me and fight Akuma as you travel the world.

MINI DAISYA: Ok, bye.

*at Daisya's home it turns out that one of his little brother's name is Barry, but their family name is Barry too, so there's an OC character who's called Barry Barry, who's like the human/DGM version of frickin' Moon Moon - and to be honest the brat acts like Moon Moon*

*the next day*

RANDOM KID: There are monsters at the bay, killing people! Let's go there!

RANDOM TIEDOLL: *appears and defeats them* I will wait for you. *leaves*

ME: So there was a boy who loved soccer so much that the Innocence chose him to be a host. And the rest of the episode is about how much Daisya wants to leave, until he does accept Tiedoll's offer and actually leaves. And his parents let him despite being like 12 years old. The end.

ANIME: NO WAIT THERE'S MORE! BACK TO THE PRESENT PREZENT! KANDA! ACTUALLY STANDS HIM!

ME: Yeah, right.

DAISYA AND KANDA: *destroys all Akuma*

DAIYSA: Ah, it's gonna be hard in Barcelona with so many Akuma.

KANDA: Yeah.

ME: *gasp* _It's true_.

ANIME: Unbelievable.

DAISYA: This is so going to be a pain in the ass- Hey, where the fuck are you going Kanda!

*at the Order*

KOMUI: So Akuma are gathering in Barcelona to sell meth. Send all Exorcists there.

ME: Wait a- Aren't you supposed to search for Cross?

END OF 37TH NIGHT

nth Night - When you finally get saved but it's not really salvation, just the less shitty situation

DEVON: *dies* Fucking finally.

END OF 37TH NIGHT


	38. 38th Night

I'm really sorry about how long I take and how little I write, but my mental health taken turn to even worse so at this point even living feels like a burden. I'm still kicking tho. Thank you for your continued support!

38th Night - It's been a while, canon

*somewhere in the mountains*

FINDER #1: Swiggity, swiggity swooty, Imma gonna find that boo- *sees Akuma in the distance* Ok, maybe not. *calls HQ* Houston, there's a problem, Akuma are coming to Barcelona and I'm too lazy to drag my ass to safety and call you from there, that would actually make sense and I can't give kids the false impression that this in canon and I know what I'm doing.

AKUMA: *kill him*

FINDER #1: Hah! Knew it! *dies*

FINDER #2: Hurry, they're going to be here by nightfall! Can you handle the port, mate?

DEVON: I've seen far nastier monster than mere Akuma.

FINDER #2: Great, then please take care of it.

DEVON: *leaves*

FINDER #2: Close the gate, no one can go in or out of the walls!

*gate closes and the air strangely smells of Attack on Titan atmosphere*

*somewhere else*

TIEDOLL: _I see a doll in the distance~ It's Froi Tiedoll coming to town~_

*in a carriage*

SON: What is this? A theme song? *glances out* Dad look! It's a main character! Quick, if we pick him up we might get some screentime!

*in the mountains*

FINDER #1: *dead*

ME: What a fucking surprise.

KANDA: Akuma.

DAIYSA: Yup.

KANDA: Akuma.

DAISYA: You already said that- *Kanda pushes him to the ground* HEY! Don't you think it's not the best time to do yaoi stuff?

KANDA: Come.

DAISYA: You could at least feel me up a bit.

KANDA: *leaves him*

DAIYSA: Ok what? *follows him*

*on the ocean coast there's a huge guy who looks as if his mere blink could snap my spine in half*

THE GUY WHO COULD KILL ME WITH HIS BLINK: Kanda and Daisya?

KANDA: Marie.

DAISYA: So this means we won't do the fickle fackle right? Marie, bro, where the fuck have you been?

MARIE: Shut up, Daisya.

DAISYA: ASDFGHJKL?

KANDA: *ignores him* What's the situation?

MARIE: 100, 200, hella lot. They'll reach Barcelona by nightfall.

DAISYA: We won't get there unless we shove rockets in our asses.

MARIE: Wait. I found something. *shows a small boat*

DAISYA: ? I thought? You were blind?

MAIRE: *hops over to the steering wheel* Let's go.

DAISYA: ? R U SURE? That's a good idea?

MARIE: *disembarks*

DAISYA: HEY DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND! *jumps on the ship*

MARIE: Ooops, sorry, didn't _see_ you there.

*back at Barcelona Akuma are coming*

VERY MANLY FINDER: Tiedoll still isn't here. But worry not, my manliness will beat all Akuma. I'm gonna whip them to death with my braid and pierce them with my goatee.

*in another part of the town*

TYKI: *walks past fruit stand* Whoa, nice apples.

OLD LADY: *wiggles eyebrows*

TYKI: ...I mean the apple apple... you know... the fruit.

OLD LADY: Sure fam, take whatever you want.

TYKI: Thanks *fills his hat with apples*

*meanwhile*

TIEDOLL: *approaches with a cart*

*meanwhile*

FINDER #3: Swiggity swiggity swoo- Oh shit it's Akuma.

FINDERS: *line up to hold up Akuma*

MR VERY MANLY FINDER: Good, hold them tight. We might be unable to defeat them but we must buy time.

AKUMA: *come from below*

VERY MANY FINDER: DUCK!

*meanwhile Devon get surrounded*

FINDER #4: Houston we have a problem.

MR VERY MANLY FINDER: Sorry, we can't send reinforcements.

DEVON: So this is the end, huh?

*Charity Bells soars through the sky*

DAISYA: Feel the wrath of my ball.

AKUMA: *explode from mortification*

FINDER #5: They defeat them so easily it's not even funny.

KANDA: *feels up his sword and destroys a bunch*

MARIE: *slays the rest*

FINDER #5: Brutal.

*meanwhile with Tiedoll and his new family*

TIEDOLL: Monsters you say?

DAD: Yeah, they're in Barcelona, which is why we're not going there yet.

TIEDOLL: ...This might be might fault a bit.

*later*

TIEDOLL: *tries to leave*

KIDS: Where are you going? Is it because what dad said? Are there really monsters? Please don't go, we must stay together.

TIEDOLL: Aw, you're adorable, but you know these guys are after me, if I stay here I'll put you in danger.

KIDS: Yeah, we know, duh, that's exactly why we picked you up.

TIEDOLL: They watch me leave u lil bitches.

KIDS: NOOO THE FUNDSSS!

*back in Barcelona finally canon floats to the sky*

KANDA: Where are you?

DAISYA: 3 kms to the East from that temple shit.

MARIE: 5kms to the West

KANDA: I'm in the South.

DAISYA: How the fuck can you even see that? Nevermind, Kanda and I are going to where you are.

MARIE: When?

KANDA: At Breaking Dawn.

DAISYA: Kanda NO, that shit is copyright! Shit! I'm going to kick my ball into these Akuma then kick your balls out of this series! *destroys Akuma*

*back to Tyki*

TYKI: Where the fuck am I?

*wall explodes before him*

DAISYA: *emerges* Wha? What are you doing out here? Are you an Akuma?

TYKI: An Exorcist. No, I'm not.

DAISYA: They how can you be unharmed.

TYKI: *disco fever shakes his body* What's your name?

DAISYA: Daisya Barry.

TYKI: I have no business with you then. *turns to leave*

DAISYA: *kicks Charity Bell at him* I do have a business with you.

TYKI: *disco fever claims him* I can't hold back anymore.

DAISYA: GOOD FUCK AND THIS GUY QUOTES FROZEN HERE, DON'T YOU GUYS GET IT THAT THE COPYRIGHT LAWS WILL REKT US?!

*with Allen and Lenalee*

LENALEE: I see *hangs up phone* Akuma are on the move, we have to get to Barcelona ASAP.

ALLEN: Yeah, Devon is there and he still owes me Finder sandwiches.

END OF 38TH NIGHT


	39. 39th Night

If you're a piece of shit and you know it clap your hands *clap clap*

Thank you very much for your kind words **xxsmiledearestxx** and **Elyan White** , you guys actually made me tear up. Thank you for your support everyone.

39th Night - Hell goes to even hellier hell

*in the woods god bless Allen and Lenalee aren't running in Naruto style, but this doesn't matter, since somewhere else Tiedoll is gazing at the stars*

*and that doesn't matter as well, since Kanda is running around making sure Akuma will be was*

KANDA: What's with Daisya?

MAIRE: Beats me. Why do you even care?

KANDA: I don't. *yes, yes he does*

*and finally to Daisya*

DAISYA: That skin, that cross-like scar, those eyes... Impossible! You're

TYKI: !

DAISYA: SCAR?!

TYKI: ?!

DAISYA: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO FUCKING TELL YOU ALL NOT TO STEAL COPYRIGHT SHIT?! THAT'S IT, IMMA GONNA WRECK YOUR ARSE! *kicks Charity Bell at him*

TYKI: *stops is with a single hand* You think I'm going to stand you confusing me with a fucking lion?

DAISYA: DAFUQ?

THROUGH DAISYA'S GOLEM: Ki...g is ...o mu... fun!

DAISYA: *hangs upside down forming a reversed cross* Why am I the one to get the burnt end of this when I didn't do shit?

TYKI: Because you tried to pick a fight we me and you can't even dance.

DAISYA: Fair enough *dies*

TYKI: *moonwalks away like a boss until the ground swallows him - literally*

*later*

MARIE: That's Daisya's golem.

ME: But... how can he tell?

HOSHINO: *wiggles fingers* Magic.

FINDERS: *assemble* We will take him back with the injured Finders. I will carry them all by my manly self.

KANDA: Ok, Marie and I will be going to find the General before the Akuma do.

*with Tiedoll*

AKUMA: Effing too late.

TIEDOLL: Yup. *destroys them all*

*later he sketches peacefully*

KANDA: General, Akuma are after you.

TIEOLL: Yeah, I already immortalised them... in the afterlife.

KANDA: Do you know who else was sent to the afterlife?

ME: Hoe, don't do it.

TIEDOLL: No, who?

KANDA: The kid you loved as your son, Daisya.

ME: Oh my god.

TIEDOLL: *rightfully cries, he's just too pure for this world*

HOSHINO: Oh, and do you know who else died as well.

ME: Wait, dON'T-

*Allen and Lenalee arrive to the port*

ALLEN: Well... look at all this sandwich material! Hey Devon! Come here and make me some sandwiches!

FINDER: *points at his coffin*

ALLEN: Shit. It seems I have to eat all this without any garnish. Oh, well.

ANIME: Nope nope nope nope nope, ouuta here to-

*Tyki steps out next to the Taj Mahal*

ANIME: ...India.

TYKI: Where?

ME: You know. India. Taj Mahal. The proof of love withstanding centuries.

TYKI: Never heard of it. Better ask for directions.

*on the other side of the lake are Suman and other Exorcists*

SUMAN: *perks up* This song! Could it be-?

TYKI: _Hallow from the other siiiide-!_

*montage of people dying all over the world*

REEVER: The Akuma in Barcelona were stopped, but the casualties are high.

KOMUI: I see. We can't do anything but believe in their strength.

HOSHINO: LMAO *shoves 140+ dead people under his nose, including 6 Exorcists*

RANDOM SCIENTIST: Wait, they got killed how are _we_ going to survive?

REEVER: STFU, these guys _died_ for you, at least show some respect, damn it!

ME: Fuck these, Scientist KILL THEM.

HOSHINO: Don't you worry, you reap what you sow.

ME: What?

HOSHINO: Nothing~

REEVER: As we opened our dead up it seemed that they all missed a vital organ.

KOMUI: Weren't you the one preaching about respecting the dead?

RANDOM FINDERS: Komui sir, if that's so may we return our Captain's body to their family's?

KOMUI: No.

*with Allen and Lenalee sulking that they missed the action*

TIEDOLL: Hello kids. Ah, this was a thought one.

LENALEE: Yeah, but we missed it, I wish we could have gotten here on time.

ALLEN: ... Now that I think of it, why didn't you fly us here?

LENALEE:

TIEDOLL: Well, either way, go and find Cross children, I will do my part and find other Exorcists.

ALLEN: I have no idea where he might be (and I'm totally not lying because I don't want to see him).

TIEDOLL: Why don't you use Tim's tracking system?

ALLEN:

ALLEN: Oh look, he's pointing to the East!

KANDA: Since when can you tell directions?

ALLEN:

*Allen and Lenalee set off*

KANDA: Finally they're gone.

TIEDOLL: Yeah, they're going to have a hard time... But that's none of our business, let's go.

ME: And we get the "Lenalee ending"... probably because they're running out of ideas and the only one we know remotely "much" about is her. This makes me think, when are we going to properly learn about the others?

HOSHINO: Next time maybe.

ME: Episode?

HOSHINO: Nah.

ME: Then arc?

HOSHINO: Psh.

ME: ... Season?

HOSHINO: Dream big, kid.

ME: ... not to be a dick, but isn't the original pic is with Allen in the middle?... And we get to see a glimpse of the Improved OCs with actual backstories.

END OF 38TH NIGHT


	40. 40th Night

Fastest update in a long while. Enjoy.

40th Night - There's still not enough Allena

*Allen and Lenalee follow Tim*

ALLEN: *brings back the tradition of tripping on whatever surface*

LENALEE: You can stick out your ass as much as you want, I'm not going to peg you.

ALLEN: No thanks, I'm not that desperate.

*they walk in on a rose bed in Bulgaria*

LENALEE: Someone really set up the mood here.

ALLEN: Anime, no.

ANIME: ANIME YES.

ALLEN: OH LOOK AKUMA!

ME: OH LOOK, YOU CAN SEE SOME SERIOUS BUDGET HERE!

ANIME: Of course, now that everything is pretty how about-

ALLEN: NO. *destroys Akuma*

ALMOST VICTIM: Whew, this was a close one. I asked if they were here for the Rose Festival and they turned into those monsters.

LENALEE: It's fine, you're safe now. Well, at least until you're with us. No telling what happens when we part. And even while we're together I can't guarantee your safety if we run into someone stronger than us.

ALMOST VICTIM: Oh, that reminds me, here, have one!

ALLEN: Is this edible?

LENALEE: What a nice scent.

ALLEN: It's your blood.

LENALEE: *to Almost Victim* Do you want to become a victim that badly?

ALLEN: I never thought I'd say this, but let me help you with this one. You kill him, I eat him and we don't even have to shovel a hole in the ground. It's a win-win.

LENALEE: Deal.

*in the city*

LENALEE: So many people.

ALLEN: So much fresh meat.

LENALEE:

ALLEN: Oh, lookie, those are Lavi and Krory!

*in the inn*

LAVI: 140+ confirmed victims so far.

ALLEN: So many people in such little time.

LAVI: The Order's Chapel was full of them.

ALLEN: All the food I could have eaten.

LAVI: Wait what?

ALLEN: Nothing.

LAVI: ...Ok. Let's go out AND LET'S PARTY!

*outside*

LAVI: Ah, everything looks so nice. So peaceful. Yeah, Allen and Lenalee could use this to cheer up... Ok, that was enough, back to DGM universe kids.

EVERYONE ELSE: *groans*

LAVI: It concerns me that the 6 Exorcists were killed the same way Yeegar was.

ALLEN: They claim to be superior than us. What does that mean?

LAVI: No idea, I just wanted to ruin the mood.

*at the Noah*

ROAD: *bullies Lero* I wonder who are we even.

EARL: Dunno honestly. I just wanna kill Exorcists, but for that we need to find the Heart. I already made arrangements hohohoho~

*back at the Exorcist's sleepover*

KRORY: *in his sleep* Eliade...

LAVI: *in sleep as well* IKR?

ALLEN: *cannot sleep, remembering the taste Devon left in his mouth*

LAVI: *wakes up in an instant* Hey, you wanna taste me for a change?

ALLEN: So even you can't withstand the roses huh. Then suit yourself.

*on the balcony*

ALLEN: So many people died... Before I could get to evaluate their fat-meat ratio. I regret not being able to save them. If only I was stronger.

LAVI: You're not alone in this.

ALLEN: *remembers all the time he's been helped* Yeah, but they're pretty useless most of the time.

LAVI: Yeah, well than you more so since you rely on them

ALLEN:

ALLEN: Oh look, an Akuma!

*another Akuma destruction fest comes while an as equally blind as Marie female watches them from afar through damn binoculars. Nothing strange.*

END OF 40TH NIGHT


	41. 41st Night

41st Night - SHIPS SHIPS SHIPS SHIPS SHIPS SHIPS SHIIIIIPS EVERYTHING IS ABOUT SHIIIIIIIPS

*Allen and Lenalee stand in the heavy rain*

LENALEE: _Under my umbr-ella ella ella eh, that you don't have-_ *the rain steals her umbrella*

ALLEN: *snickers*

LENALEE: Shut up.

LAVI: What's this, a straight relationship? That cannot happen.

LENALEE: Don't worry in this weather none of the ships will sail.

LAVI: *glances at Allen* is that a challenge?

*an ominous bell ring as the predator watches her preys*

*after countless fruitless attempts to find an inn Allen notices a black cat*

LENALEE: POOR BABY OUT IN THE RAIN! *opens coat to welcome the cat*

CAT: Nah *jumps away*

LENALEE: OK THEN SOAK IN THE RAIN YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE FUCK.

ALLEN: Lenalee, I think it's trying to lead us somewhere.

LENALEE: THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO PLAY ALLEN IN WONDERLAND.

LAVI: BUT! THINK ABOUT IT! I COULD BE THE RABBIT! *runs after cat* Follow the rabbit Allen~

ALLEN: *sigh*

*following the cat they find an inn*

LULU BELLE: *appears* Hello.

LAVI: STRIKE, OH HELLO, WONDERS OF POLY SHIP

EVERYONE ELSE: *sweatdrop*

LENALEE: Do you have room?

LULU BELLE: *hands over two keys* My parents aren't at home so this is as much as I can provide.

LAVI: No parents eh.

ALLEN: Lavi, no.

LAVI: Aw, babe, don't get all jelly~

ALLEN: I don't care what you do to her just leave me out of it.

LAVI: *heartbreak*

*in the dining hall*

ALLEN: ...Milk. This is fucking milk.

LENALEE: Be glad that you get anything at all, we basically forced her to let us in.

ALLEN: I ate 6 finders for snack, do you think this will be enough?! ... Maybe there are other guests here too?

LENALEE: No.

ALLEN: But I'm starving over here. And it's not like I want to eat the hand that offers me food.

EVERYONE ELSE:

ALLEN: I will have my revenge on y'all.

ANIME: Ok, it's been a while since we had the last serious talk about everything, like 4 episodes ago? So let's have another montage for budget reasons.

*here comes the montage*

LULU BELLE: ...These guys know that I'm right here, right?

*in the room*

LAVI: What the actual fuck.

ALLEN: *stomach growls* I'm so hungry.

KRORY: *stomach growls in tandem* Yeah me too.

LAVI: Damn it, why the hell can Lenalee get away with this?

LENALEE: I can hear you guys.

LAVI: HAH! LOSER.

LENALEE: You're in one room with those guys so you hear them louder dumbass.

LAVI: I always suck, but at least now you're here to suffer with me.

*outside Akuma gather and for some shit reason Allen's eye doesn't react*

AKUMA: *attack but get defeated*

ALLEN: Why doesn't my eye work again?

ANIME: No idea.

LAVI: *gasp* Where's Lulu Belle? *off he goes to search her* DID THEY GET HER? NO MY STRAIGHT SHIP IS GONE!

*the ominous bell chimes*

LENALEE: The cat again.

ALLEN: ...

*outside*

MAID: Aw, all wet, lemme dry you.

*in some mansion*

MAID: *files Lulu Belle's nails* The plan that totally failed was awesome.

LULU BELLE: Just go back to filing nails

MAID: YES.

LULU BELLE: It was just a test to see how strong is Allen Walker.

*flashback*

EARL: Allen Walker is pain in the ass and so is Cross Marian. Don't let them meet, hinder them as much as you can.

LULU BELLE: *meow*

EARL: Whether you can kill them? Sure, go ahead, I don't mind.

*back in the present*

LULU BELLE: We have to finish this now.

*with Allen*

ALLEN: LULU BELLE!

LAVI: A-HA! I KNEW IT! YOU WANTED A STRAIGHT SHIP ALL FOR YOURSELF! *runs off crying*

ALLEN:

*with Lenalee in the inn*

LENALEE: *watches family pics* She said this was her parent's home... But it's not her in the pictures. She's no Akuma, or Allen would have eaten her. Could it be?

*outside*

ALLEN: *spots Lulu Belle* Miss Lulu Belle!

AKUMA: *appears*

ALLEN: *eye activates* I can see. I CAN FIGHT. *gets shot* Or not.

LULU BELLE: One down.

ALLEN: Nope, not really *heals himself*

LULU BELLE: ... Cheater.

ALLEN: Run!

LULU BELLE: *runs and ends up cornered*

ALLEN: It's ok, I'll protect you.

LULU BELLE: Why do you care?

ALLEN: I still haven't asked you if you want to be my follower.

LULU BELLE: *extends nails to sharp claws* I already have a master, it's the Millennium Earl. *dips her nail to his throat*

ALLEN: Well shit

LENALEE: YOU'RE NOT GONNA SINK MY ONLY FUNCTIONAL SHIP **slams on Lulu Belle because hitting on others is too mainstream*

LAVI: YES! THE CONCURENT SHIP SUNK! HERE I COME! *destroys Akuma* Look Allen, I'm so cool.

ALLEN: Lulu Belle.

LAVI: Um, Allen.

ALLEN: You're a Noah.

LAVI: Hey...

ANIME: You better get used to being ignored, it's gonna happen A LOT.

LAVI: WHAT?

LULU BELLE: *leaves*

ALLEN: WAIT! *follows him but she disappeared*

CAT: CATTACK! *scratches Allen*

LENALEE: It's that cat again.

*the next day all the ships sail*

MAID: Are you going to let them go?

LULU BELLE: For some reason, what he said got to me. I like him. But that can't happen. I must sink this ship.

END OF 41st NIGHT


	42. 42nd Night

This hoe is still kicking.

42nd Night - It's been a while since there was a lesbian twist - now with a twist

*in the East*

LENALEE: *sips coffee* Good shit.

LAVI: Second it.

ALLEN: Tim says Master is further.

LAVI: *leans in Allen's face* WHERE IS HE?

ALLEN: ? HOW? THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW? I've been with y'all the whole time?

KRORY: It's the first time I have eaten stretching ice cream.

ME: ...Are you sure that's not snot?

LAVI: Well, I guess this is a good chance for Krory to grow a brain.

KRORY: *falls back*

*behind them not even 20m metres the Akuma maid is watching. Because fuck Allen's eye*

MIMI: We can't let all these fucks meet Cross.

LULU BELLE: Then reduce their numbers.

MIMI: ! U A FUCKING GENIUS MA'AM!

*in the hotel*

LAVI: Finally we can sleep!

ALLEN: Where's Krory?

ALL OF THEM: S H I T

*with Krory in the bazaar*

KRORY: Everyone is so happy, it's beautiful. *realises he's lost* Ok, Krory, keep your chill and think things over- *stops by his own panicked shrieks*

ME: Me too, Kuro, me too.

LENALEE: *appears*

KRORY: FINALLY! Wait, where are the others?

LENALEE: *proceeds to look dead on the inside*

KRORY: Um, you ok?

LENALEE: I saw something that might be Innocence

KRORY: ! Let's go then!

*with the rest*

ALLEN: Let's split up and search for him.

LENALEE: I hope we find him, I don't want to lose any more friends.

ALLEN& LAVI: *sweats nervously* You do?

LENALEE: My script says so.

*the other Lenalee with Krory*

KRORY: How long do we need to keep walking? What's wrong? Why aren't you anSWERING me?

AKUMA: *just teleports there*

KRORY: Let's do this! *fights*

FAKE LENALEE: *ain't moves*

KRORY: ? WHY? ARE YOU STADING THERE UNMOVING? IF YOU DON'T FIGHT THEN RUN?

MIMI: HA! Caught ya!

AKUMA: *corners him*

KRORY: *is actually a werewolf in guise so he shouts at the sky (because there's no moon)*

THE REST: *hears him and fall out of the sun like Power Rangers and deal with em* Wait, there's two of Lenalee? Isn't it enough that she had lot of extra screen time?

MIMI:

ALLEN: She no Akuma.

LAVI: ! You know what this means! Lenalee has a twin! Ohohohoho I can already see the twincest happening!

FAKE LENALEE: *jumps at the other Lenalee*

LAVI: MUDWRESTLING! SEE I TOLD YOU! IT'S FAPPENING! ALLEN PLS TELL ME YOUR PEEPING EYE CAN RECORD THIS

ALLEN: You're a Bookman, record it yourself

LAVI: ! Shit, you're right! One of the rare times I'm glad to remember everything.

AKUMA: *break them apart to kidnap the two*

ALLEN&LAVI: GOTTA CATCH THEM ALL!

KRORY: Wai-!

LAVI: Follow Allen! I'll save that Lenalee and hope it's the mudwrestler one! Grow!

MIMI: Shit, they split up! Which was the plan, but still! ... Which one is the Madam tho?

*with Allen and Krory*

KRORY: Sorry, this is my fault, because I got lost.

ALLEN: *is glad this didn't happen to him* It's fine.

KRORY: But I should have known! Lenalee never misses a chance to have a majou shojou transformation.

ALLEN: You're a bit too trusting, but that's not a bad thing.

KRORY: *blushes* No homo?

ALLEN: No, very homo. But why would they kidnap both? I thought they wanted lesbian fanservice.

*follows the Spider Akuma into the cave*

LENALEE: *hangs from the ceiling*

ALLEN: What you doing? Hanging around?

*only to get caught*

AKUMA: Welcome, you're tangled in my power!

ALLEN: Yeah, that's cute *tears up the floor to free themselves*

KRORY: *prepare yourself*

*here comes the mate bites*

*with Lavi and Lenalee*

LAVI: So, is this the real one?

LENALEE: Where are the rest?

LAVI: Yup, it's the real one.

LENALEE: Real? Shit what about the-! *collapses*

LAVI: ? Why? Are you fainting? What happened in that Akuma? Did you do the do out of public eye?

LENALEE: We have to go where they are-!

LAVI: Don't worry, I'll take good care of you.

LENALEE: *sweats nervously*

ME: BUT? WHAT WOUNDS?

*back with the rest*

ALLEN: Let's leave this dork behind and run.

FAKE LENALEE: Ok.

ALLEN: *now several metres back* Ha! You're the fake ass motherfucker!

KRORY: *destroys the Akuma and joins him* You're gonna pay for playing with my heart!

FAKE LENALEE: *smirks and disappears*

ALLEN&KRORY: *follow the chimes*

*get outside*

KRORY: Shit, we lost her.

ALLEN: We lost ourselves. Where the fuck are we? Could it be... that in the enemy's trap after all?

END OF 42ND NIGHT


	43. 43rd Night

Happy Holidays folks. I apologize for the lack of updates, my BDP isn't exactly kind to me lately. I'm still kicking tho and I plan on finishing this, um, somewhen. I might be whiny but I'm not a quitter.

 **Thank you, Elyan White for reviewing.**

Almost. there. I'm almost. Done with all this filler shit. Just. 9. More.

Fuuuuuck.

Like ok, Lulu Belle is a gift, bu l.

43rd Night - That one time when you find the perfect cosplay

MIMI: Madame Lulu Belle, please wake up.

LULU BELLE: *gazes the ceiling with a "wow, that was so wild" AKA a dead expression* Wake me up inside.

MIMI: SAVE ME.

*teleports on a bridge*

MIMI: *grabs onto dear life, even though she can fly?*

LULU BELLE: *strolls past her to the cliff* Hallow from the the other side-

MIMI: Madame Lulu Belle, please, with this budget we can't afford getting sued for quoting copyright material!

LULU BELLE: *abruptly stops in front of a statue* Found it. Finally something I can cosplay with my grey skin.

*with Allen and Krory*

Krory: *at his golem* Is that a pigeon?

Allen: I really hope only the hunger is talking from you.

*praise the lord that when they're about to fall down they catch each other and don't jump away from each other screaming "no homo" but actually be concerned for the other*

*in the town within the valley*

TOWNSPEOPLE: *pin a guy to the wall* Salim, did you steal the statue?

SALIM: ? IT'S? A FUCKING STATUE? YOU THINK I CAN JUST UP AND LIFT THAT SHIT? AND WHERE DO YOU THINK I PUT IT? IN MY ASSHOLE?

WILD KRORY AND ALLEN: *appear*

ALLEN: Hello sir, heave you heard of your Lord and Saviour, me?

ALLEN'S EYE: *loading*

TOWNSPEOPLE: Sod off, don't get in our business!

ALLEN'S EYE: *still loading*

KRORY: We're not looking for trouble.

ALLEN'S EYE: *still loading*

ALLEN: We're travellers.

ALLEN'S EYE: *still fucking loading*

ALLEN: We just need directions.

ALLEN'S EYE: *god, this will never end, it's still fucking loading*

KRORY: And food if it's not a problem.

ALLEN'S EYE: *someone please check the wifi this shit is still loading*

ALLEN: *calls tech-support* WTF is with my eye, it's not working.

TECH-SUPPORT: Have you tried turning it on and off?

ALLEN: I'm pretty sure that for the fillers my brain is turned off for the sake of whatever ship that floats the audience's boat.

TECH-SUPPORT: Wel, shit, then you're on your own kid.

*disconnects*

ALLEN'S EYE: *rises from the dead and finally activates*

ALLEN: *le gasp* You guys are Akuma?

AKUMA: *transform*

KRORY: ? WHY? DIDN'T YOU DESTROY THEM?

ALLEN: As I said, my brain is turned off for the fillers.

ALLEN AND KRORY: *destroys them*

TOWNSPEOPLE: *run*

KRORY: ...We're not getting meal are we?

TOWSPEOPLE: *reappear with reinforcements*

KRORY: Oh.

ALLEN AND KRORY: *run away*

SALIM: *follows them*

*in the forest at night*

SALIM: I've seen some weird shit. One night I came back from collecting magic mushrooms

ALLEN: *grumbles* Always fucking magic mushrooms.

SALIM:

ALLEN: Sorry, carry on.

SALIM: So then I saw the statue move.

ALLEN: Hella effective magic mushroom.

SALIM: It wasn't the magic mushroom, my dog barked at it. And look, it sliced this fucking tree apart without breaking a sweat.

KRORY: Well, seeing that it's a statue I don't think it's alive enough to sweat. *senses sharp* BUT SOMEONE DOES SWEAT OVER THERE! *drags a girl from behind a tree* A-HA!

ALLEN: She's human.

KRORY: Yeah, I figured, she sweats, your eye can't be trusted these days.

SALIM: That's Katia.

KRORY: Oh sorry.

SALIM: I didn't say you can't dump her noisy nosy ass.

KATIA: I have meat.

SALIM: *gazes over her* No, not really.

KATIA: In my bag. Food.

SALIM: She can stay.

*eating*

KATIA: My dad is the boss around here and the statue was said to be the guardian. Now that it's gone Salim is the one who's blamed because he saw it happen. *whispering to Allen and Krory* People think he got so shitfaced that he tried to do the Mannequin Challenge with it but got pissed because the statue was "cheating".

SALIM: Do you believe me?

KATIA: OFC I do, you're not a bad person!

SALIM: *le gasp*

ALLEN: Did we crossover into another anime again?

KRORY: *in tears* Shh, if you keep bitching I'll miss the best part!

ALLEN: No fucking way, I'm not going to watch some high school romance teen drama. Where the fuck can we leave?

SALIM: There's a bridge leading out of the village, if you cross it, it will lead you to the mountains.

KRORY: But we can't leave yet, a statue came to life, it can be Innocence.

ALLEN: UGH! Wait! You said that was the statue of some goddess right?

KATIA: Yeah?

ALLEN: Then if I destroy her... It means _I_ will become the new god of this place right?

KRORY: Here we fucking go again.

*in the mountains*

ALLEN: Go back, we might encounter Akuma here on and if you die I won't have a prophet.

SALIM: This place is tricky, you'll get lost.

ALLEN: Well, I could get lost without your help too- I mean a God such as myself-

SALIM: I don't care, I just want to prove my innocence and recover the statue so the villagers would trust me.

KATIA: Just be careful please!

*romantic music starts playing*

SALIM: Ok, no. Let's get out of here.

*with Lavi and Lenalee*

LENALEE: *wakes up*

LAVI: Hi.

LENALEE: *pretends to be still sleeping*

LAVI: ... You know, I know that you're awake.

LENALEE: Where are we?

LAVI: In a carriage.

LENALEE: *gives him a "you don't say?!" look*

LAVI: We're heading to meet Bookman.

LENALEE: When will this trip end.

LAVI: *wiggles his eyebrows*

LENALEE: Oh, god.

*back with Allen and Krory*

ALLEN: Look at all these rocks, they're almost as hard as my abs.

KRORY: Oh look, there she is!

STATUE: *goes into some ruins*

THE BUNCH: *follows it*

ALLEN'S EYE: *currently out of service and doesn't alert about Mimi*

ME: Thanks, Obama.

MIMI: Just as Madame Lulu Belle planned *drools over a flashback about naked Lulu Belle*

ME: Girl, me too.

*the bunch finally finds the statue that's actually Lulu Belle disguised, coz it seems she is an exhibitionist*

LULU BELLE: They came. And I will too.

ALLEN: *approaches her* Now if I destroy you, I can become the God of- What's this smell?

LULU BELLE: *her sword (I wonder which body part that is) is shining*

MIM: GET INSIDE AND DESTROY EVERYTHING!

WILD AKUMA: *appear and attack*

THE BUNCH: *is forced to depend*

LESSIE: *barks at Lulu Belle*

ALLEN: *notitties that she's actually no statue and jumps outta the way* Thanks Lessie!

MIMI: GET THEM!

*fight ensues feat Allen vs. Lulu Belle (still disguised)*

ALLEN: By, defeating you, I can become the God of this village!

KRORY: You're having your ass kicked, fucking knock it off! *kicks Lulu Belle away*

LULU BELLE: *drops her swords and turns away*

MIMI: ? Madame y u leavin?

LULU BELLE: I quit. Fucking done.

ME: ? FUCKING WHY?

MIMI: ? You act like a pussy- OH. OH! Oh... Well... Ok then. RETREAT!

KRORY: What was this about?

ALLEN: Beats me.

KRORY: *inhales*

ALLEN: Don't.

SALIM: I FOUND THE STATUE!

ME: ?

SALIM: Now everyone will believe me!

*back at the village*

SALIM: Or not.

KATIA: *reaches out for him*

SALIM: *takes her hand*

ALLEN: Fuck your stupid love story, if you want some shojou then don't steal my screen time when I'm seeking followers! I'm off fuckers!

SALIM&KATIA: *so far gone in their romance that they don't even realise*

ALLEN: Ugh.

*finally at the fucking bridge*

ALLEN: FUCKING FINALLY!

LULU BELLE: Oh look! You reached the bridge! It would be... a shame... if something were to happen to it.

BRIDGE: *explodes thanks to Lulu Belle*

LULU BELLE: Ooops.

MIMI: Petty revenge. You know you could have just destroyed it in the beggining.

LULU BELLE: But then I wouldn't be able to get off on the disappointment in their eyes,

MIMI: ... Legit.

ALLEN: What in the-?

KRORY: Does this mean... that all of this... all of this damn filler episode... was only to slow the plot so the manga can go on?

ALLEN: ...And that means... I have more chance to gain new followers?

KRORY: Fuck this all. *jumps down into the valley*

END OF 43RD NIGHT


End file.
